THODA GRISHAM LAGTA HAI
A brain-dead action thriller set in Turkey feels suspiciously like ‘The Firm.’ Plus, a brain-dead comedy that feels suspiciously like a root canal.
JULY 27, 2008 – IS THERE ANY WORD IN ANY LANGUAGE that Ekta Kapoor cannot coax an extra alphabet into? The numerological havoc, so far, has been restricted to the transliterations of the titles of her made-for-TV epics – Kahaani Hamaaray Mahaabhaarat Ki, Kasamh Se – but now, perhaps emboldened by her Midas touch (or possibly with an eye on world domination), she’s set her sights higher, at the ancient seat of the Ottoman Empire. The latest offering from Balaji Telefilms is called Mission Istaanbul (though, come to think of it, given Ekta’s fetish for the eleventh letter of the English alphabet, it’s a mystery why this mission wasn’t set in Kkenya or Kkazakhstan). And after enduring the movie in question, it must be said that if the producer had possessed an iota of decency, she’d have labelled it Mission Istanbull.
Apoorva Lakhia’s film is one of those instantly disposable action thrillers that loses credibility from the get-go, by showcasing a dudish Zayed Khan as the intrepid journalist Vikas Sagar, who’s invited to Istaanbul to become part of the cunningly named news channel, Al Johara. (You haven’t seen anything till you’ve witnessed Zayed, towards the end, admonish the villain – who, incidentally, does have an eye on world domination – about What Journalism Really Is.) Vikas is so committed to his profession, he has no time for anything else – even a wife in the comely shape of Shriya Saran, who plays one of those women who, never mind the gravity and the urgency of a situation, always manages to find time for a lipstick touchup. At one point, she’s tied to a chair and surrounded by bloodthirsty terrorists, and she appears to have stepped off a Maxim photo shoot.
Such grace under pressure is perhaps the result of taking tips, during shooting breaks, from the film’s other female figure, a RAW agent with the enticing name of Lisa Lobo (Shweta Bhardwaj), who ferociously – and single-handedly – takes on about ten goons and survives with nary a chip on her nail polish, let alone a bead of sweat. These generically staged action sequences are about the only diversions in this incredulously plotted story, which plays like The Firm (every journalist who wishes to leave Al Johara ends up suspiciously dead) crossed with Tomorrow Never Dies (the Al Johara head, played by Nikitan Dheer, is a megalomaniac who wants to engineer the course of history through his media network).
Vikas, naturally, wants to be the first journalist from Al Johara to leave and live, and in his efforts, he’s aided by the mysterious Rizwan Khan (Vivek Oberoi, with the perpetually cocky smile of someone who’s read the script beforehand and knows that, whatever happens, he’s going to live to fight many more battles, or at least, make many more bad movies). If there’s something vaguely distasteful about using actual, present-day horrors – a nod to the arms markets in Kabul, kids crawling under barbed wire while training to becoming terrorists, an Osama lookalike who’s targeting Kashmir – as simply the backdrop for the kind of film that features an Abhishek Bachchan item number, no one seems to be bothered. All they’re interested in is delivering an adrenaline rush in the name of saving Inndia.
HAD RAJKUMAR HIRANI DIRECTED Money Hai Toh Honey Hai – the title has little relevance to the film, but that’s the least of its problems – he’d have cottoned on instantly to what would have made it work. He’d have smelt an immediate audience connect with the subplot about Shruti (Celina Jaitley) wanting to make affordable designer clothing for the common man – she shows off her creations in a fashion show filled not with anorexic stick figures but ordinary men and women with hearty paunches and chubby cheeks – and he’d have tailored the rest of the story around this engaging and unique idea. After all, which one of us wouldn’t fall for this only-in-the-movies conceit of a guy-next door (or a girl-next-door) sharing space with Carol Gracias and Muzammil Ibrahim?
But Ganesh Acharya, the director, wants Shruti to rub shoulders with Govinda, Manoj Bajpai, Aftab Shivdasani, Upen Patel and Hansika Motwani, all of whom are bequeathed the fortunes of a dying loon (Prem Chopra, given to playing with something that resembles a snitch from the Quidditch games in the Harry Potter books). They must then devise a way to save the company they now own from bankruptcy (or something; I tuned out some fifteen minutes into this nonsense, which is so unwatchable, a wag at the theatre yelled “Thank you” when the power went off for a minute). Govinda has a moment where he looks at Sophie Chowdhury (who claims she’s never had a boyfriend) and whispers this leering aside, astounded that such a hot girl is in such a plight: “Itna achcha maal aaj tak godown mein pada hua hai.” I chuckled at this Govinda of old, the sleazebag who used to make you smile (as opposed to, say, Shakti Kapoor, the sleazebag who used to make you cringe) – but the price of that single nostalgic chuckle is two-and-a-half hours of unrelieved tedium.
Copyright ©2008 The New Sunday Express. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without
Tejas
July 26, 2008
Rangan saar, still no tickets for The Dark Knight? 🙂
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Sal
July 26, 2008
Govinda is starting to look that jowly old bulldog who used to chase Tom in the old ‘Tom and Jerry’ cartoons, but boy, the old-timer can still dance!
How is it that Viveik, who was one of the brightest, most ferociously talented young actors I’d seen on screen back in the days of ‘Saathiya’ and ‘Company’ has become so unbearably … unbearable? Save an Omkara, I’d pretty much say with a satisfyingly generalising sweep that all recent Viveik Oberoi performances have been overacted, under thought exercises in macho-giri.
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kaos
July 27, 2008
Mission Instantbull?
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brangan
July 27, 2008
Tejas: Seen the film. Written about it. Will put the piece up next weekend, when it appears.
Sal: “unbearable” is right. I think I liked him only in Company and Omkara. Maybe he’s just one of those actors who can do only intense stuff, and when reduced to “hero” roles, he flounders.
kaos: I guess we can get a game going here, with all this renaming 🙂
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Pradyumna
July 27, 2008
Thanks for the Salaam-e-Ishq review 🙂
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Bala
July 27, 2008
help ….my head will burst if I don’t get an answer to this 🙂 ..the scene where ledger escapes in a cop car with his head hanging out the window against the wind…I remember seeing a similar scene from some other movie I thought Ledger was self-referencing some scene from his own movies…but for the life of me I can’t place it (oh obv the two movies you did review this week …is there an audience for Vivek Oberoi/Zayed Khan flicks…or for that matter Govinda/Upen Patel movies ? Yeeeeeeeeesh:) )
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Amrita
July 27, 2008
Rangan – have you heard about this? I want to see it so bad! I cant find a torrent or anything and it’s driving me crazy. It’s also the reason why I’m not going to watch Mission Bullshit any time soon. And what is that dead animal on Vivek Oberoi’s head?
Also, if Rajkumar Hirani was making that movie, I highly doubt Celina Jaitley and the clothes she stole from Zeenat Aman’s wardrobe would be in it.
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brangan
July 27, 2008
Bala: I recall seeing that image in so many road movies – but nothing comes to mind right now. Sorry. What did you think of the film, though?
Amrita: Looks interesting, that doc. “Mindblowing,” huh? 🙂
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raj
July 27, 2008
I dont know – I find Vivek Oberoi more tolerable than Saif Ali Khan;s default persona – as in Salaam Namaste, Hum tum types.
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lurker
July 27, 2008
the ledger movie you’re thinking of is Dogtown .. i think..
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Bala
July 27, 2008
hey Lurker ..Dogtown eh ? I need to catch that then 🙂 …
Baradwaj …Dark knight was good ..in parts …didn’t really feel like a Nolan movie.His movies are usually slower,more deliberate than this one .This one had too much going on in every scene , I had no time to breathe ..and that wasn’t a good thing.I have a feeling the studios had more than a say in how this film was made.Ledger’s performance was good ..though how much of that has to do with his passing away I can’t say..maybe we need time to analyze his performance impartially ?There were a couple of scenes which stood out for their surreality though ..this police car scene and the other one where he walks out of the hospital all happy doing his half kiddish , half clock work toy walk … I do need to watch this movie again though 🙂
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Bala
July 27, 2008
umm btw do u mean Lords of dogtown btw ?
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brangan
July 28, 2008
Bala: Yeah, that entire hospital sequence was awesome, wasn’t it? But overall, I had the same reaction as you – “good ..in parts”
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Arijit
July 28, 2008
Hi Rangan,
waiting for the Dark Knight review…caught the film yesterday…I also thought he tried to pack in too much…I also want to know your point of view on the ending…the “Dark Knight” funda…
Thanks!
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db
July 28, 2008
rangan, tough question:
which of the two movies was worse?
🙂
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Rakesh B
July 28, 2008
Amazing stuff…Ive been a fan of your reviews…keep up the good work
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brangan
July 28, 2008
Arijit: There’s a line in the piece about this very thing you mention, the ending and the Dark Knight funda. What did you think about it?
db: Oh, the Govinda one, definitely. The other one at least had some random action to keep you distracted.
Rakesh B: Thnk you kindly.
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Maverick
July 28, 2008
If you think ‘Mission Istaanbul’ is a numerological havoc, what about her next one ‘C Kkompany’ :))
http://www.indiaglitz.com/channels/hindi/preview/10321.html
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Nina
July 28, 2008
As far as “Mission Istaanbul” I have to say that I had not thought so far and wide about the extra letter in the name of the city… I was quite proud of the fact that someone managed to write it in a manner that forced us all to pronounce it the way the Turks do it. Perhaps after the recent bomb blasts in Gungoren, Istanbul, the film has turned even more poignant for me…
I personally see nothing wrong at taking bits and pieces from today’s headlines to make a movie. The concept that “Osama” may be dead and “Al Jazeera” may be keeping him alive for their own gain – the way I interpreted the story – is entertaining and thought-provoking. As much as any Bollywood film may be, of course.
I do totally agree that the item numbers need to be done away with in such a film and that the women were unbelievable in their “perfectness” but otherwise, I truly enjoyed this action-packed and visually stunning film.
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Sal
July 29, 2008
Is this, like, a new trend in the Summer Superhero bonanzas of Hollywood? Pack in as many supervillains as you can? First there was Spiderman 3, an now I’ve heard that TFK has the Joker and Two Face. Even the first one had all those decoy villains and stuff. It’s sorta like – Return of the Masala Formula – except the firangs’ve got it now!:)
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Arijit
July 29, 2008
Rangan,
I think Nolan tried to touch on too many topics at the same time, the need for a masked vigilante in a free society, reworking of Christian myths about law/order pitted against anarchy. To Nolan’s credit a superhero movie has provoked so many thoughts. 🙂
Arijit.
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Tejas
July 30, 2008
*/Digression alert/*
Why don’t you do more of those posts on bands we listened to in college/hostel days – like your features on U2, Jethro Tull? It would be great to reminisce about Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Sabbath/Ozzy, Iron Maiden, Dire Straits, and the two gods of hostel drunkard parties – Hendrix and Floyd!!
And when we are at it, probably Jagjit Singh, because all of us ‘discover’ and start to ‘appreciate’ ghazals in somewhere around in at that age (although I am not much into ghazals even yet!)
Or do you write those pieces only when the time is right, meaning the bands are visiting India?
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brangan
July 30, 2008
Maverick: They screened the trailer during the film. I thought it was something from RGV — a prequel, perhaps, to his Company — and then saw Tushar Kapoor and knew it was something else 🙂
Nina: I’m glad it worked so well for you.
Sal: “I’ve heard that TFK has the Joker and Two Face…” You’ve *heard*? Are you the only one who hasn’t seen it yet? 🙂
Tejas: It’s just the time factor and the job description. Otherwise, you think I’d choose to write about Mission Istaanbul and Money Hai over, say, Floyd or Hendrix or even classical music? 🙂
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Suharsh
July 31, 2008
Just revisiting the blog after ages and saw some good stuff (as usual – yawn 😉 ha ha. Do a crappy review sometime for the plebians to crib about na… jusss kidding – we want you to win another national award!
Happy to see Joy Division and you being Almost Famous (aka your article for Rolling Stone) – still remember your take on the original movie (AF) whilst you were in the US…me thinks, but memory fades with age now…
Saw ‘Across the Universe’ – musical based on Beatles songs – loved it. Catch it on DVD if you can…
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Sal
August 1, 2008
Poor Bardwaj – the most dismal film year in some time has TWO movie releases every week, and your job description includes watching each and every one of them!
And is nobody going to talk about Mamma Mia? It’s Meryl Streep dancing for God’s sake!
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Venkat
August 1, 2008
Is it just me, or is Govinda wearing more make up in that shot than Rajini did in Shivaji?
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Sharanya
August 1, 2008
Baradwaj, do you want Shriya’s pic on your homepage forever? Or you’re planning to review The Dark Knight and Kuselan? 🙂
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brangan
August 1, 2008
Suharsh: Yup, you’re right – it was while I was in that neck of the woods 🙂
Venkat: Was that makeup? I thought it was CGI…
Sharanya: No “review” of Dark Knight. Just a few thoughts…
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