PLANET BOLLYWOOD
A barely watchable Earth Boy-Venus Girl romance. Plus, a marginally better actioner.
APRIL 11, 2010 – SINCE ITS INCEPTION, MANKIND HAS PONDERED over the mysteries of life beyond earth. Who is out there? Where? What do they look like? How do they live? Milap Zaveri’s Jaane Kahan Se Aayi Hai nobly strives to provide answers – at least with respect to our neighbouring planet. The film’s heroine, you see, is from Venus – and not just in the figurative sense of men, correspondingly, hailing from Mars. She’s an honest-to-goodness alien, who looks awfully like Jacqueline Fernandez (and is called Tara) and who falls, quite literally, into Rajesh’s (Riteish Deshmukh) arms. Tara informs us that the inhabitants of her planet, named after the goddess of love, have forgotten how to make it. Instead, they make babies through computers, dressed not in milk-white togas but shiny hot-pants with attendant swirls of chiffon, embellished with rhinestones. Clearly, the dominant cultural influence on the planet isn’t the Roman goddess of yore but Kalpana Iyer. No wonder Tara can stay on Earth for a scant two days. The mantra, evidently, is hurry home hurry.
In that brief period, for the benefit those who’ve never laid eyes on a Hindi movie, Tara and Rajesh search in vain for love with others (Ruslaan Mumtaz, Sonal Sehgal) before realising that they belong in each other’s arms. All of this would have served as ideal fodder for a breezy fish-out-of-water rom-com, as we witnessed in the inordinately charming fish-out-of-water fable Splash, but the director has other ideas. He wants, instead, to fashion a romantic melodrama, hinged on a leading man more suited to lightweight comedy than heavy-duty drama. By the time Deshmukh’s eyes well up with lovestruck tears, you no longer care who ends up with whom, or even if they wind up in Earth or on Venus. We do know, however, that Rajesh’s friend Kaushal (who may be gay, and who’s played by Vishal Malhotra) will not remain an earthling much longer. He tells us, before following Tara’s sister into a spacecraft, “She’s from Venus and I have a very big p—s.”
That, by the way, is just the tip of the prurient iceberg. For a supposedly family-friendly entertainment, scene after baffling scene comes laden with references to the thing Venusians have forgotten all about. Kaushal, for a significant stretch, is attired in a T-shirt that screams, “I just got laid.” Rajesh’s father (Satish Shah) is caught reading an article titled Be a Sex Genius, as well as salivating over a porno-flick about pink pussy cats. And did I mention that when Rajesh eyes an album of prospective brides, in consideration of an arranged marriage, the girls are (un)clad in bikinis? It’s then that you wonder why these films are made. I mean, why bother? With all the actor tantrums and financier troubles and union negotiations and logistical nightmares, why set out to commit to screen what could be accomplished at a tenth of the cost on television? At least then, we’d be able to change channels when Rajesh, waltzing into a restaurant with Tara, coughs up this witticism to a hapless waiter. “Table for eighty two.” (Pause a beat to register waiter’s shell-shocked reaction.) “Only, eighty are not coming.”
MAY I USE THIS PLATFORM to put forth an entreaty? It’s one thing that the filmmakers of today are fast running out of ideas. But are they also running out of titles? Years hence, imagine this scenario: a poor television viewer looks up the schedule and singles out Prince. He expects to unwind to Shammi Kapoor’s effortless coolness in Badan pe sitaare, and instead, he’s saddled with Vivek Oberoi’s desperately kewl antics in Kookie Gulati’s Bourne-meets-Bond actioner. (In other words, an amnesiac man-of-many-skills sets foot into the world of 3G: guns, girls and gadgets). What has happened to this once-promising actor? This is a film where the megalomaniac villain has a metal hand, for crying out loud, and seeks to modify the world’s memory through a computer chip. This is the stuff of superlative (and potentially sidesplitting) camp. Why does Oberoi play it so seriously, preening like a smug peacock, as if starring in a hero-worshipping eighties’ adventure?
Gulati cannot decide if he wants to emulate a superhero movie (hence that shot of Prince’s lair, replete with costumes and contraptions) or if he’d rather tap into a more human dimension, with the hero in a limbo after having lost his mind. The film itself exists in a bit of a limbo, with the merely human action of opening a laptop accompanied by a thunderously superhuman soundtrack more suited to the onset of Armageddon. In the spirit of fairness, though, it must be said that – in the subset of Hollywood movies made for the set that doesn’t usually watch Hollywood movies – Prince achieves its ends far better than Blue did. At least, it’s never boring, thanks largely to twists and turns that rival those on Nandana Sen’s frame (speaking of whom, someone cast her as a Bond babe already). Besides, I have a great weakness for thrillers where people bark such orders as “Initialising periscope programme” or “Start the brain mapper.” If only this sense of loopiness had prevailed, we might have had a strapping throwback to the Roger Moore-era Bond adventure, whose most endearing quality was that it never forgot to wink at itself.
Copyright ©2010 The New Sunday Express. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
Shankar
April 10, 2010
The reference to Kalpana Iyer and her trademark song was awesome…still laughing! 🙂
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Venkatesh
April 10, 2010
BR: Was watching Prince duty or pleasure ? I ask, because i saw the promos on TV ( not that i could escape them ) and it was obvious that the movie is Bourne meets Bond in a desi setting , surely you didn’t have to actually go into the theatre to watch this piece of garbage ?
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brangan
April 10, 2010
Venkatesh: How else do I catch a new film on a Friday if not in a theatre? Pray tell! 🙂
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Pradyum
April 10, 2010
Didn’t you get to watch Green Zone? The Hurt Locker? Date Night?
And looks like CSK is going down tonight! This has opened up the tournament even more! 🙂
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Aravindan
April 10, 2010
BR – Very disappointed that The Japanese Wife didn’t release here. It releases in every other major city. Was expecting PVR to bring it to the city.
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Paromita
April 10, 2010
Hurry Home Hurry…ha ha ha ha. That was a wonderfully funny paragraph. I love your blog by the way and read it no matter where in the world I am on Sunday…
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brangan
April 11, 2010
Aravindan: How’s PVR? I ask because I don’t think I’ll ever get to that part of the city just to watch a movie…
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Just Another Film Buff
April 11, 2010
Even THE GREATEST DECADE can’t save Roger Moore’s Bond movies. Sorry, no bargain on that.
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Venkatesh
April 11, 2010
BR: Oh i do know you watched it in a theatre but pray is going to a theatre now only for work .. please tell me it is not.
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brangan
April 11, 2010
Venkatesh: Duty, boss, duty! 🙂
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Venkatesh
April 11, 2010
BR: 🙂
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Aravindan
April 11, 2010
BR – Haven’t been there yet. Sudhish Kamath had tweeted that it’s really bad. Yet to get any infro from my friends.
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Amilie
April 12, 2010
//Why does Oberoi play it so seriously, preening like a smug peacock, as if starring in a hero-worshipping eighties’ adventure?
BR, In Vivek’s own words, he plays it that way because the film it seems, was meant to be a hero-worshipping eighties’ adventure along the lines of BigB movies :D:D. And yeah, he’s so serious when he says all this that it’s all the more funny 😀 He’s not even a bad actor, atleast he wasn’t one when he started out, so its a bit of a tragicomedy now to see him hamming it up like this.
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Milind
April 12, 2010
Finally!!! back to the old template!!!!
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Virginia
April 13, 2010
I wish somebody would give Vivek a good role. The last one I saw him in was in Omkara. I really like him onscreen just “star-power-wise” (and so do most women I know), he emanates intelligence, he’s also funny, and he’s a decent dancer. Seems to have a nice sense of humor, too.
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Rishi
April 13, 2010
Virginia,
Not to worry. Keep an eye out for Ram Gopal Varma’s “Rakta Charitra”. I really think that’s the kind of role that Oberoi needs right now.
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the mad momma
April 14, 2010
oops- typo in the last comment – please delete it.
I agree with virginia. why cant someone give him a decent role? that 40-phone-calls-press-conference was the biggest mistake he could have made. no one other than a kookie gulati will touch him i guess 😦
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brangan
April 14, 2010
# the mad momma: But even before that press conference, his choice of films was becoming questionable. And this was a phase when he could have done much more…
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varun
April 14, 2010
The three heroines in Prince: Aruna Shields, Nandana Pouts, and Neeru Unclads. 🙂
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Interval
April 16, 2010
Great movies – both playing on http://www.interval.in along with phoonk 2 and rivaaz
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