Tired of the focus on unwearable gowns at Cannes and IIFA and elsewhere, we decide it’s time someone talks about men’s fashion.
But don’t worry. I’m not here to tell you what to wear. I’m here to talk about my bald spot, which I’ll refer to henceforth as Bora Bora. It seems an apt-enough name, given how we often resort to marine metaphors to describe the hair. Wavy tresses, we say. Or a hairline that’s receding, as if it were the tide. And what is a bald spot but an island of bare skin hemmed in by a sea of hair? The first time Bora Bora was sighted, it was the size of a 25-paise coin. At least, that’s what my friend told me. If you’re from another country, you may wonder why someone who carelessly tells you these soul-deflating things is considered a friend, but that’s what friends and relatives do in India. They tell you when they think you’ve put on weight, or are looking puffy-eyed. Or when they catch a glimpse of Bora Bora.
I was in my early twenties then, and with this announcement, my life changed forever. They keep making movies about men who are obsessed with careers or making money or unattainable women. That’s not a patch on the obsession a balding man has with his mirror. Two mirrors, actually. One to stand in front of, and one to hold in the hand angled above the head. And slowly I watched Bora Bora expanding. It became a 50-paise coin. A rupee. And then the Indian mint could no longer help. In a few years, I was facing a point where a FedEx plane would crash on my head and leave Tom Hanks with only a volleyball for company. Yes, hair loss and hyperbole are brothers-in- arms. Or whatever the naval equivalent is.
Picture courtesy: http://boraboraairport.net/
Someone said rubbing the scalp would help. Someone else recommended Rogaine. Short of sprinkling powdered rhino horn on my curd rice, I experimented with all kinds of additives in my diet. I think I realised things were getting out of hand when I found myself breaking an egg on my head – the yolk was the A-bomb that was supposed to annihilate Bora Bora, but all I ended up with was a bad smell and the relief that the Chennai heat hadn’t baked my scalp into an omelette.
And all the while, I went through high drama. Walking into a room was enough to make me imagine everyone was making a beeline for Bora Bora. You take care to avoid standing beneath lights. You begin to pay attention to hair-weaving ads. You begin to realise it’s you they’re referring to when you hear “Uncle!” You begin to watch a lot of Vin Diesel and Jason Statham movies. You begin to wish you were Sikh. You discover the phrase “comb over.” You begin to pun on Shakespeare, toupee or not toupee, and discover that it sounds like you’re suffering from incontinence. You wonder if you should buy a motorcycle just so that you can wear a helmet. You begin to look at the sky and say: “Why me?”
For relief, I’d laugh at fellow-sufferers. At the man who carefully combs his three strands of hair over a denuded scalp. At the man who stops getting a haircut and rearranges the excess growth over the archipelagos on his head – it’s like origami with hair. At the man who gets rid of the side parting and begins to sweep his hair upwards, so the last few strands cascade over Bora Bora. At the man having a drink at the bar, never removing his Yankees baseball cap.
And then, one day, I discovered a cure. I got myself a trimmer and off it all went. Bora Bora was gone. Not entirely. Even today, it resurfaces like a whale when I go without trimming for a few days. But the key is to make it a habit. Like shaving. It’s no longer something that causes anxiety. It’s a look. Or maybe after many years of obsessing about it, you just learnt to stop worrying and love the baldness. You are Vin Diesel. You are Jason Statham. I’m calling it masculinism. Let’s go burn some wigs.
An edited version of this piece can be found here. Copyright ©2015 The Hindu. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
K.
June 14, 2015
BR: Won’t you be reviewing Humari Adhuri Kahani? Thought you (like me) were kind-of a Mohit Suri fan? (Going by your reviews of Gangster/ Aawarapan/ Aashiqui 2…) (i know “fan” is probably a strong word here but you get what I’m trying to say)
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Rahul
June 14, 2015
Nice write up. I just wanted to say ‘kakakapo’. Right now i’m in the 50 paise coin phase. I too ‘ll be needing a trimmer in 5 or 6 years. I just hope i don’t look like that onida tv mottai
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Anu Warrier
June 14, 2015
🙂 What’s that they say? ‘Bald is beautiful’?
Or you could get yourself a T-shirt (like one of my friends did) that says ‘Bald men make the best lovers.’
(Slinking off before I get banned on this blog! 🙂 )
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abishek balaji
June 14, 2015
sir
it actually suits your round face
(good hairstyle… great bare-style)
and it is very stylish when you have that moustache
let’s call it brangan style 🙂
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Anuja
June 14, 2015
What a poignant piece on the pains of premature bald – spotting! It brought tears to my eyes, it really did… And I feel duty bound to make masculinists and potential wig – burners feel better by pointing out that it could be far worse, you could be a woman whose hair is falling out in clumps, like rats deserting a sinking ship leaving your crowning glory resembling a particularly scraggly rat tail.
One moment, you are young with a thick, lustrous mane, but suddenly there is more hair in the bathroom drain and hairbrush than on your head and you are having anxiety attacks as ugly memories of bio class when your teacher mentioned that though it is rare women are not exempt from pattern baldness, surface like a sea monster. Scared to death, you begin stockpiling Parachute hair oil, hair – fall protection shampoos, conditioners that promise to provide volume and serums sold by luxury brands and your friendly neighbourhood shaman.
After ignoring your garrulous grandma for years, you decide to give her home remedies a shot and apply nasty smelling concoctions to your hair that almost always include raw eggs in the desperate hope that you can turn back the tide and reclaim those flowing tresses.
At least men can console themselves with trimmers, Vin Diesel, and Jason Statham. Women don’t have that luxury though. So bring on the wigs and don’t even think of burning them till senility and finally death, sets you free!
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aparna
June 14, 2015
Anuja, women have Sinead O Connor and Persis Khambatta 😉
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vijay
June 14, 2015
BR, you a fan of Cast Away? This is the third or fourth time I see you referencing it in different articles
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sanjana
June 14, 2015
Anuja, very funny female version which will console BR. I dont want to say anything. It may eventually appear as making fun of or being plain rude.
BR looks young and sweet who just visited Tirupati.
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ThouShaltNot
June 15, 2015
Or maybe after many years of obsessing about it, you just learnt to stop worrying and love the baldness. You are Vin Diesel. You are Jason Statham
Baldness is nature’s way of reminding men that they will start losing it after a certain (st)age. An otherwise fertile landscape decays and begins to wear a deserted look. But, the smart make a virtue of this inevitability and turn it into a full-on shining moment 🙂
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gvsafamily
June 15, 2015
Haha! Had a blast reading the article and the comments.
Aparna/Anuja: And don’t forget the Ellen Ripleys and Impertaor Furiosas, bad-ass of them all 🙂
(btw, I am getting to the scraggly rat tail phase now, the female equivalent of the 50-paisa coin, I suppose!)
Finally, no word on Jurassic World anyone? Was chewing some cud over the weekend (thoughts here: https://gvsafamily.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/thoughts-on-jurassic-world/)
and was hoping for some conversation on it among the enlightened janta here 🙂
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Ramsu
June 15, 2015
I know the feeling! I don’t have a clearing in the woods yet, but the vegetation was beginning to get a little sparse, so I decided to cut the whole forest down. Other than having to carry a cap for airplane rides, and the odd disaster (hot ash from a burning joss stick fell on my head once), it’s been a, um, smooth ride.
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Just Another Film Buff
June 15, 2015
Ippadi mottaiya vitta eppadi? What do people think about umm Bora Bora now?
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TR
June 15, 2015
I had a boss with little hair but a great sense of humour. He had a poster in his cabin that read – “God created only a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair.”
The rest of us can only strive.
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Gradwolf
June 15, 2015
I am on the way. More like sprinting now. From mid 20s to now months before 30 it’s more than just a 50p coin and it’s been drastically quick.
Also good job on this trait you share with my grandfather – there is absolutely no evidence of you with hair ever, anywhere online, is there? A bit like Mysskin without glasses.
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Lucky
June 15, 2015
hahaha.. every word was hilarious!
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olemisstarana
June 15, 2015
No no don’t toupee…! Why be dour when you can pompadour?
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Iswarya
June 15, 2015
@Gradwolf:
I think the pictures from the reading session at Landmark with Kamal are the only exception.
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Ram Murali
June 15, 2015
Very funny post. Somehow brought to mind two hilarious lines, one intentional hilarity, the other… well, it was uttered by TR.
From Aaha – “Mudi Thayir Vadai-la Vizhundha Apram Thayir Vada M____ vadai aaydaatha?!”
From Veerasamy – “Mudi Irundha Thaan Koadha Mudiyum… Mudiyum-nu nenacha thaan nee moadhave mudiyum!”
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venkatesh
June 15, 2015
Take a Bow .. er a Bald Bow BR.. 🙂
Brilliant.
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apala
June 15, 2015
Thala,
For you……..
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bababoldbald
June 16, 2015
I love bald men. It is good thing that you shaved it all off Baddy! I would hate the toupee or comb-over eyesore silliness men have and would not have come to your site if you too were amongst those. Men are not supposed to be vain about looks in general and hair in particular. It is more important to be clean, nicely dressed, groomed (no nose, ear hair). workout regularly to stay fit, than trying various comb-over styles and/or ugly wigs. I have same grouse with Amitabh Bachchan of old age or sachin tendulkar. I hate their wigs. However rich and deep pockets you have to get the bestest wig, it still manages to look tacky. Same thing with transplants be it ranbir or salman, you can tell the difference between real and unreal. Best thing is to keep hair very-very short. All the self consciousness is in your head. People don’t care. But if you wig or comb-over, we can have nice laughter, on your dime.
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udhaysankar
June 16, 2015
Ram Murali: Did ‘mayiru’ really need censoring? Especially in BR’s blog?
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brangan
June 16, 2015
K: Hope to review it soon. Had a rather hectic writing week.
Rahul: Man, too many Rahuls here. Hard to keep track 🙂
Anu Warrier: Or you could get yourself a T-shirt… that says ‘Bald men make the best lovers.’ (Slinking off before I get banned on this blog
No gets banned on this blog for speaking the truth.
Anuja: Didn’t intend this as a poignant piece at all, but it’s always great to be reminded that you have no control over what a reader gets out of a piece. Thank you for that comment.
Gradwolf: Grandfather? Mysskin? I’m not sure which comparison is worse 😀
bababoldbald: I would hate the toupee or comb-over eyesore silliness men have and would not have come to your site if you too were amongst those.
So your decision to visit a site is not based on the content/writing?
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Rahini David
June 16, 2015
“So your decision to visit a site is not based on the content/writing?”
BR: So it is the shine that is outside (not inside) that is pulling all the readership. Who would have thunk? Konjam objectified feeling varuthula? 😀
Although you should know something, the criteria for Aunty/Uncle pattam has been changing over the years. Ippo ellam everybody is everybody’s uncle.
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brangan
June 16, 2015
But Rahini, I still can’t believe you said “second base”. 😀
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Anuja
June 16, 2015
BR: What ya? I did not mean that I found this article poignant poignant… was kinda sorta being flip. After all it screamed humour even without the tags – humour, personal, society. And the only things that have brought tears to my battle – hardened eyes in recent times were the raw onions that I am forced to slice up when the maid has the temerity to bunk work (still being flip see?) and those poor little tykes in Kaaka Muttai.
Guess my long – suffering husband was right after all when he insisted that clarity in communication was not my strongest suit!
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Priyangu
June 16, 2015
“And then the Indian mint could no longer help.”
🙂 Typical BR-paani/mudra (‘paani’ as in carnatic ‘paani’)
With reference to an old article of yours.. may be you should have used Thames water for your hair wash when you were growing up. You probably used it for a wrong purpose, as your Neyveli friend said. 🙂
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Ram Murali
June 16, 2015
@brangan – just curious. what has been your most irreverent post till date?!
@udhaysankar – vambe venaam thalaivare! the word got censored in the movie anyway!
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Deb
June 17, 2015
Loved this Brangan! Very nice read.
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sanjana
June 17, 2015
Enough of mane. Bahut hogaya.
Now the main event.
Reviews of HAK and JW.
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Cinemakkaran
June 17, 2015
BR blogs about strange things. I remember reading about abs (Hrtihik Roshan and all), there is one about James Deen’s bottom. And now this.
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apala
June 17, 2015
இதை சொன்னா நம்ம ஊர்ல நாம ரொம்ப கெட்டவங்க!
http://elitedaily.com/news/world/study-sex-and-alcohol-happier-kids-religion/
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bababoldbald
June 21, 2015
Yeah… the thought that the author does a comb over would gross me out (sorry ya). It is like reading Rajeev Masand’s articles knowing how silly he sounds in person 😦
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