I encountered this Alain de Botton quote in an article recently and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it: Work-life balance is impossible because everything worth fighting for unbalances your life. It’s so true. If you’re fighting for something at work (more visibility, a bigger pay cheque), then you’re going to have to do things that reduce the quality time you spend at home. And vice versa – struggles at home impact your professional life. But let’s step back a bit. Considering the definition of “balance” (“a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”), is there anyone who can claim to have attained such a blissed-out optimum? Is such a thing even possible?
I did a casual Wiki lookup and found that the term “work-life balance” was “first used in the United Kingdom in the late 1970s to describe the balance between an individual’s work and personal life. In the United States, this phrase was first used in 1986.” That is, long before the digital age, long before smartphones and laptops and other modes of 24×7 connectivity shrank the distance between “work” and “home.” Back then, it was genuinely possible to “switch off,” because once you left your place of work, you couldn’t do much at home. Of course, there were exceptions. There were those who stayed back at the office and worked really late. There were those who brought home files. But I’m talking about the average person. You had until the following morning to do non-work things, even if you were just staring at the TV and paying little attention to the “life” around you at home. But now, that division is blurred. You stare at the TV and you have a smartphone in your hand.
Picture courtesy: http://www.pickthebrain.com/
And I’m saying: Is that really such a bad thing? Isn’t it actually easier to catch up on a few emails on Sunday so that Monday becomes less stressful? In other words, instead of spending all of Sunday doing “life things” and all of Monday doing “work things,” isn’t it better to do a bit of both on both days? Of course, if you’re taking a trip with family or friends, for example, then yes, Sunday is a one-hundred-per-cent “life” day – but I’m talking about the average weekend. I suppose this also has to do with how much your work defines you. If you feel work is a chore and the only reason you do it is for the money, then I guess you’re more likely to feel you need “life things” on a regular basis. But if you enjoy work, then that itself becomes a “life thing” – “pleasure,” therefore, isn’t just watching a good movie or unwinding with the family but also the high you get from a job done well.
Here’s another thing: If you don’t want to be mediocre, if you want to achieve more, you’ve got to be prepared for (to get back to that de Botton quote) some amount of “unbalancing.” You have to accept that… it takes as long as it takes. I’ll talk about writing, a world I know well. If you work with an eye on the clock, if you “dash things off,” you are never going to produce really good work. Yes, the job might get done, but it won’t be something you’re going to be happy seeing under your name in a newspaper. So perhaps this is something else to consider: If you work in a “visible” job, where your name is out there, maybe you have to be prepared for a pretty porous wall between work and life
In general, concepts like “work-life balance” are designed to make us feel guilty if we, say, work for ten days straight and then take two days off, or go away on a vacation. But thinking about missed Sundays (instead of thinking about the things you accomplished at work during those ten days) can be more stressful. You keep thinking about what you didn’t do rather than what you did. It’s important to ensure you don’t burn out, but the answer is not constantly swinging back and forth between “work” and “life.”
The trick is not to think of “balance” – a mythical 50-50 concept – and think instead of what makes you happy. If work makes you happy, then you’ve really got it made – and you just have to take care that you check other boxes too. A bit of exercise for physical health. A bit of meditation (or whatever) for mental health. Some time with your loved ones. But always with the awareness that the skew isn’t going to be “ideal.” Something will always suffer – and that’s something you’ve got to be prepared for. You have to have your priorities right. You have to realise that by doing this you’re going to have to give up a bit of that, and decide whether that’s okay. That, really, is what balance is about, balancing the mind.
An edited version of this piece can be found here. Copyright ©2015 The Hindu. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
Baradwaj Rangan 
Srinivas R
August 12, 2015
You couldn’t have timed this better. Thanks, I really needed this 🙂
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Srinivas R
August 12, 2015
“That, really, is what balance is about, balancing the mind”
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Vignesh
August 12, 2015
Reblogged this on Vignesh Nandha Kumar.
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Iswarya
August 12, 2015
Srinivas R: Second that. “Life” had got a little too much in the way, especially in the last few months, throwing “work” (again, I have my reservations in making my much-beloved research sound like a chore) completely off the picture. But, part of my guilt comes from the fact that I am neglecting that “work” which means so much “pleasure” too, for the work-at-home (more in the nature of chores), which I had conditioned myself to think of as “life.” It all gets pretty murky when you’re in control of your own work (and have no immediate bosses or targets), and when home becomes “work” too! 😦
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vishal yogin
August 12, 2015
A bit of exercise does not replace proper food and proper sleep for physical health 🙂
And no, you cant catch up on the sleep debt. See, there are no shortcuts and therefore balance is very much needed – unless you aim for the so-called gain in the short term at the cost of the long term.
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vishal yogin
August 12, 2015
And to add to the above, when dis ease strikes as a result of unbalance – you are not only a burden on yourself, but also on others around you who attend to you.
So what’s the point of stubbornly trying to defy evolution ? ….zilch !
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Ananth
August 12, 2015
I feel that the work-life division is artificial in the first place. It is our perception that creates all the problems. Work ,as we define it, is obviously the vital part of life. In fact, work makes life possible. Without work, there can be no life – as we perceive it. Work facilitates life – mine as well as others’. Eg. Brangan’s work is my life. The real problem may lie in the division or structure of work that really makes life difficult for many of us.
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Radhika
August 12, 2015
I’ve always felt that the term “work-life” pits one against the other – asserting that “life” is all that isn’t “work”. Maybe “work-play” balance would be better – but even that suggests that work is something that is inherently joyless. There’s a problem in viewing balance as a see-saw or a tightrope act – the suggestion that any dip on one side will be made up by an equal rise on the other. Or that gain in one element will necessarily mean an equal loss of another. A wise man I knew once used the analogy of life being akin to a car – with the four wheels being – one’s professional self (work), another the personal self (so, hobbies, physical fitness, play), the third, family and the fourth, society – and that for the car to run, all the wheels had to be equal in size/air. But while that is more useful than just work-play or work-life – even this analogy assumes that all the goals that pull us in different directions — and need to be invested in, to keep us from becoming unidimensional — can be balanced equally and simultaneously. That’s never going to happen.
Slice life up into any discRete block of time and any one goal is bound to dominate, depending on the reigning priorities at that point. All one can hope for is to be conscious of the choices, to be able to make judgement calls on what is urgent and cannot be postponed, what is important and should not be – and hope that over the medium to long term, we are able to explore and nourish different aspects of our personae. Maybe we need to be looking for different metaphors for balance in life. Something like music, perhaps; the elements of melody, rhythm, lyrics, instruments, emotion, mastery, and so on – each brings a different, important element to the whole performance – allow any one element to dominate, and there is just sound, or worse, noise. When it all comes together in the right proportions, it can create harmony.
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vijay
August 13, 2015
Something that I have been thinking about a lot lately too.
some Random thoughts:
Europeans do this a lot better. Their 35-40hr weekdays, their month-long vacations, their culture. They have “time off” built into their work culture.
Desis suck at it generally. Especially the post-lib IT/MNC/service companies crowd. Some even brag about long hrs. And then when they are 60+ and on their easy chairs at home, they’ll regret. You’ll have to look at Koreans to feel a little better.
Even if work is makes you really happy, switching off on a regular basis to do something else worthwhile (eg. quality time with family, other interests/pursuits in life, social activities) must be worked into your schedule. If work is the only thing that you feel enriches your life then you might not really have much of a life in the first place, IMO.
Easier said than done. Living in a country with double-digit inflation where nothing put away seems to be enough post-retirement, it is always going to be a little skewed towards work.
Our fathers did not have cellphones and those were really blissful days or so it seems. I really really hate them. I was the last in my office to get a smartphone, reluctantly.
Social online networking is for losers. You want to socialize, get the fuck out there and socialize.
“Make your passion your profession” is just another bullshit cliched career advice. Most passions cease being one when it becomes the profession.
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Ram Murali
August 13, 2015
Very nice article, BR.
One of the things that I enjoy doing (in small measure) is to get perspectives from some of my older colleagues (I am 34) regarding some of the important trade-offs that they’ve made. For instance, one of my colleagues took a job one level down (following a lay-off) so that he didn’t have to relocate his kid who was in the 11th grade and was going to take the SAT in a few months. He didn’t want that disruption for his family and he’s not regretted his decision at all. That’s something that I find really inspiring – the ability of people to make choices where they place people above material things.
I do keep work-focused conversations to a minimum at home but sometimes if I feel like I would benefit from running something by my Dad, Mom or wife, I will do that. My Dad has been a marketer for 40 years now and as a person with 4 years of experience in marketing, I really find some of my conversations with my old man tremendously beneficial. And, I do act on some valuable pieces of advice that he’s given me – simple things like taking the initiative, building a knowledge network, etc. These are things that I’ve read in books but I’ve also seen my Dad implement it superbly in his professional life.
So, I feel that with the right amount of spillover, professional and personal life issues can co exist well…
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Di
August 13, 2015
” If you feel work is a chore and the only reason you do it is for the money, then I guess you’re more likely to feel you need “life things” on a regular basis. But if you enjoy work, then that itself becomes a “life thing” – “pleasure,” therefore, isn’t just watching a good movie or unwinding with the family but also the high you get from a job done well.”
We will all have some opinion on this topic 🙂 😉
I enjoy my work and I get very engrossed in it and might even ignore my time with kids/cooking/cleaning. So they invented “work-life” balance concept. You HAVE to force yourself to leave you work that pays and that you enjoy so much and spend time doing other things as well (which you may not like, like raising kids/cooking) to be in a balance.
In vedanta, our gurus tell us “Like what you do” and move away from raag-dwesha. So like what you do (and not do what you like) and all your problems will be solved.
Budda talked about middle path and living in the moment both of which are borrowed concepts from Hinduism. “live in the moment” is same as Karma yoga. and middle path is same as Samatvam. Bottom line: if you have strong spiriual moorings, you will be alright. You won’t fall into “material” traps and be happy doing whatever you have to do
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Di
August 13, 2015
P.S. I wrote a whole blog at my work portal (I was invited to share my opinion) and I “lifted” everything from Vedanta and Guru’s teachings. The concept in Hinduism is diametrically opposite of west!! In west we are taught, “do what you love and you will never have to work a day in your life”. In Eastern philosophy and Vedas, our Gurus teach us exact opposite!! My guru infact says that it is impossible to love something absolutely (e.g. I love watching movies, interviewing people, writing reviews but HATE the deadlines the dumb editior imposes on me. I have Doctor friend who loves medicine but HATES all the bureaucratic work he has to do with paperwork for health-insurance etc etc). So my guru’s teaching is “love what you have to do”. So I may hate waking up in the morning, going to work and doing that particular type of work but if I shift my focus to not worry about my personal likes and dislikes, then I will do it very dutifully without my personal biases in it (e.g. Arjuna is told to go to war and the whole B.G. you could say is based on this philosophy). It took a lifetime, it seems like, because I ALWAYS used to find jobs were there was SOMETHING always amiss. If boss and pay was good, work was bad. If boss, pay, work was awesome then company was bad. If boss, pay, work, company was great the commute was bad. If I telecommuted suddenly I had NO human interactions… so I was in never ending cycle till I met my guru and got the teaChing. I hope and pray everyone gets this vision changing knowledge but at work, needless to say, the blog stirred hornet’s nest and got many people to ponder, reflect, reject and contribute 🙂
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aparna
August 13, 2015
Even though I enjoy my work and there are often times it gives me that “high”, I’d still prefer that it doesn’t intrude on my ‘life’ moments. It dosent always work that way but I’ve tried to make it so.
Its true that technology has made the work -life differentiation gray. Accessibility via mobiles makes work intrude on life, and checking out this blog or fb during breaks in work: surely that counts as squeezing in life during work? 🙂
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Vanya
August 13, 2015
A few years ago, this piece would have really resonated with me. Actually, it still does, but for very different reasons. Before, I loved what I did and “work-life balance” required conscious effort, specifically to ensure that work didn’t bleed into the rest of my life. Cut to now, and I still love what I do just as much as before, but I now also have a 2-year old chaotic attractor to contend with at home. Balance is no longer a conscious choice. 🙂 What me-from-5-years-ago would never have predicted is how much of a compromise this isn’t. You put it best:
“You have to realise that by doing this you’re going to have to give up a bit of that, and decide whether that’s okay.”
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Radhika
August 13, 2015
Typo – personalities, not personae. Though, hmm, come to think of it, personae might also be apt. 🙂
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Santosh Kumar T K
August 13, 2015
This “work-life balance” concept irritates me no end. It seems somehow to be predicated on the idea that “work” isn’t a part of “life.”
(I am not making one be to more important, significant, ideal, essential compared to the other.)
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Santosh Kumar T K
August 13, 2015
and I also find it quite unnatural to expect someone not to carry “home,” or “personal” into “work,” or “professional.”
it’s not as if we are blessed with a james cameronesque switch that turns on/off “personal” when we enter “professional” and vice versa. Isn’t it the same person?!
( I do understand and respect the sentiment and essence behind it though with so many people and resources at stake.)
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gvsafamily
August 13, 2015
A topic very, very close to my heart.
Di: Loved your comments. What you say is exactly what I am learning too.
My (longish) 2p –
The whole concept of loving ones work and total dedication to it irrespective of what it is (what the West calls dignity of labor and what the Bhagavad Gita calls Karma Yoga) is the bedrock of any well-functioning society. Since the availability of choices/capabilities/circumstances to pursue what one wants is not entirely within one’s control the wisest thing to do would be to embrace one’s ‘work’ (whatever it turns out to be) wholeheartedly and do it to the best of ones abilities.
Once that is settled, the next challenge comes when there are multiple “equally important” things vying for your attention (and this I suppose, is what BR and other readers are discussing primarily). The key as already pointed out by many is to prioritize, make conscious choices and then most importantly, be happy with those choices made. At any point of time, if a course correction is needed (and hopefully, if it can be done) then do that too. Every choice comes with its own positives and negatives. I strongly believe anyone (and not just famously only women) cannot have it all. We just need to give ourselves more room to fail and learn.
Of course, all this is easier said than done. Add to that the numerous well meaning (but conflicting) advice from all directions that leaves you questioning your own choices. It is one never ending, learning experience :).
In the corporate world, it is a very common practice to bring up this topic in various management round tables (esp. among women) and meetings with top leaders – I have been guilty of it too – in naive attempts to somehow find that elusive answer. But eventually you learn that the answers are not with them, but within yourself.
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brangan
August 13, 2015
What fantastic inputs, everyone. Thanks so much.
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Reuben
August 13, 2015
This piece in the link below suggests that the metaphor of “balance” may not be the right one to use since it suggests a zero-sum game.
An interesting analysis of alternate metaphors to ponder: juggling, spinning (plates), and surfing:
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2007/09/19/work-life-balance-juggling-spinning-or-surfing/
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Rahini David
August 13, 2015
Some of the things that have often amused me regarding this topic are
1) Workaholism is often appreciated If it a “society approved” job like medicine or tutoring children. If a doctor remains with his paitents well into midnight it is alright. But if some one who is creating an Android application forgets the clock he is a sinner. Teachers of +2 children can remain with them for special coaching year after year and forget their own children. It is commendable. But if you are an accountant and working for a spinning mill’s accounts section then you should never work a minute over 5 p.m. for it is a job that involves money (gasp).
2) People who work from home (like novelists) are expected to keep house exactly as perfectly as a non-novelist home maker would. The house should be as clean and the food as elaborately cooked. “Because she is at home, no?” If you actually leave home to go to office then this may not be expected of you.
3) “Life” means Family. Ergo, life does not mean Friends/Parties/Travelling Alone. “Watching a movie” is included in “Life”, only if you took the spouse/child with you. If you don’t have a spouse or a child, you should soon get some(one).
4) Cooking/Laundry is included in “life”? The pleasure of a well cooked meal or a freshly laundered Saree’s beauty not-withstanding, they are NOT life. They are a part of “Work” especially if you “have to” do it. They are “life” only if you “choose” to do it.
5) People are able to accept that creative jobs like say Dancing, Writing etc can give pleasure but not that IT jobs can. I was unemployed for about a 6-7 months after post-graduation. I got a Copy-editing job in the same month as my IT job. I chose the IT job. People I tell this to assume that I chose the IT job for money and give well-meaning advice that I should explain to my husband that I have only one life (etc etc) and switch to copy-editing and do the things that give me “true pleasure”. No book (fiction/nonfiction) gave me as much pleasure as building a HTML User Interface from scratch. It is assumed that no one can find pleasure in being a Support Engineer and that “Pleasurable” jobs include starting a boutique(thereby looking at pretty clothes all day) or “Copy Editing” jobs for it seems to suggest that you get paid for just reading books. That job may (or may not ) have suited me. But this one does for sure.
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bart
August 13, 2015
Never seen a post, a good one as ever, with so many quick responses and many being insightful too. On this opportune moment, I want to file in my rant too 🙂
All of us can alter our balances to the “need”s built in and around us. Do we behave similarly in a vacation as compared to work? Even at home vs work? Given a choice, would one not want to dabble on many things over a period of time instead of “work”ing on a particular area? Exceptions could be there but can’t see those in a corporate setup, especially.
All that should’ve existed once upon a time was “life”. We’re doing “work” because the needs have evolved around us. It has evolved into complicated needs/ wants based on living standards, family, friends, peers into forms like purpose, passion etc other than material forms. The balance could be different for different people, during various times, dependent on surroundings etc – the multi-various need factors. No one complains of this mythical balance, if one has to live by himself (no one to..). It is only when the other “players” are involved. If a few other players in one’s life are hurt due to one’s balance, it is a conscious/ sub-conscious decision one’s mind has taken based on his/her accumulated “needs”. The balance will be different if the “other”s “needs” are taken into consideration. So this balance is a constant restoration process with the evolving needs of the dynamic list of players in everyone’s life. There can never exist one at that… Hence, happy unbalancing to all!
P.S.: Never realised I had this “deep” stuff (sh.. don’t mention.. it) in me!
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brangan
August 13, 2015
bart: “opportune moment…”
What sir, using big 3-syllable words and all? 😛
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udhaysankar
August 13, 2015
Sorry for deviating from the main theme of this article. But here is a piece on gender balancing in tamil-cinema, that was a bit interesting.
http://www.behindwoods.com/tamil-movies-cinema-column/naan-unakku-pei-padam-nee-enakku-bittu-padam-dee-seriously.html
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bart
August 13, 2015
#flow #pheelings #mannichooo
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niranjanmb
August 13, 2015
To take the case of mixing life and work to the extreme would be to consider one of the last scenes in “Good Fellas” where Ray Liotta’s character is literally mixing all his stuff up; he’s dealing with the coke to be processed before he has to deliver it elsewhere, he’s picking up(or dropping off – I don’t remember this exactly) some guns – a second ‘chore’ he’s gotten involved with, he’s managing his wife and his mistress, and he’s making meatballs for lunch,while trying to figure out if the chopper that seems to be following him is actually tailing him or not, not necessarily in that order! And what a chaotic mess it imposes on his persona.
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Di
August 13, 2015
Thank you gvsafamily! I am glad someone read it. blush.
“The key as already pointed out by many is to prioritize, make conscious choices and then most importantly, be happy with those choices made.”
Desires create pressure. And in trying to fulfill them we run infinitely. (This is the subject matter of veda-part1–how to fulfill various desires; do various yagnas. From putrayesti to ashwvamegha to infinite amounts of rituals to fulfill the kamas of various sorts). The vedanta (end of vedas) come into play, when after infinitely running-running-running, man starts to think “what is it that I am running after?”. The real growth/real spirituality-vedanta begins here. Where as vedas part 1 would fill up room after room after room (rituals after rituals after rituals…infinite texts), the vedanta is simply one line answer “you are what you seek”. You already are infinite. The running stops. The jyani performing action therefore is a role model for us all to see. See the Sadhu of Annaikatti. They may have 18 hour work days, travel, jyan yagnas, travel….but they are FREE. It is this freedom that we strive for (which we already have). The search is finite if it is for the infinite!!!
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Di
August 13, 2015
@Vanya “What me-from-5-years-ago would never have predicted is how much of a compromise this isn’t.”
There is no love without sacrifice!! WTG girl.
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Di
August 13, 2015
“one of my colleagues took a job one level down (following a lay-off) so that he didn’t have to relocate his kid who was in the 11th grade and was going to take the SAT in a few months. He didn’t want that disruption for his family and he’s not regretted his decision at all.”
@Ram Murali: Hats off to your colleague. Here in USA, I have seen desi family after family (be it factory worker or very high tech IT professional or doctor–all economic strata of life), a behaviour that leaves me totally aghast. Outsource parentlng to India!!! They all dump their kids to grandparents (grandparents cannot after all stay here in USA forever). I have seen very-very-very-very rare parent, who has actually quit a high paying job to be home with their kid (I was one of them and I know one another person). Not self-righteous and all, I am OK with sending kids to day-care or nanny (I had to do that with second one), by all means, but these parents who outsourced parenting to india did it singularly to SAVE day-care money!!! This is height of kali-yuga and running to fulfill your desires or running after money. Then they complain about work-life balance. One should at all times do the swadharma (whether it agrees with your personal preference or not)…then all the “work-life” balance and other issues automatically take care of themselves. A mother (or father) should not have kids till they are not ready to sacrifice their time/money on the kid. A person should not marry, if they are interested in doing 18 hours of hard labor at all times (I guess Narayan Murthy, bill Gates had very-very understanding wives and also they are successful otherwise their wives might have left them). A study in usa, showed how a normal family spends ONLY 30 seconds together. So having dinner as family should become a priority (e.g. Amitabh Bachchan does that when the whole family is in town, they make it a point to have meals together). If you don’t nurture, the relationships are fragile and break apart.
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aparna
August 13, 2015
“The concept in Hinduism is diametrically opposite of west!! In west we are taught, “do what you love and you will never have to work a day in your life”. In Eastern philosophy and Vedas, our Gurus teach us exact opposite!! ”
“Desires create pressure.”
Di : Yes, its funny how western philosophy stresses on professional ambition and a desire to achieve more, while the Indian/ Buddhist one is quite the opposite : to have no desires or ambition and to be happy with whatever you have (which IMO actually is quite an effective way to be content and to achieve happiness).
“What me-from-5-years-ago would never have predicted is how much of a compromise this isn’t. “
Vanya : I went through that too. It was as if all my professional aspirations suddenly became less important, all my priorities shifted and to my surprise, I did not mind one bit. Though after a particularly hectic post graduation away from home, to re bond with my baby, when I opted to be a stay- at- home mom for about one year, I found that by the end of that period, I badly missed my work too. I was much happier when I restarted work albeit on a less hectic schedule.
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Supertramp
August 13, 2015
Hmm this is really complicated. I don’t enjoy my work ( I work in IT) and don’t consider it as a part of living it up or that sort. I am obsessed about the balance and sometimes it is exasperating to have a life outside work. When I get things done at work I do feel high and I would like to believe I am very good at it, but right at the moment I am out of the building I want to switch myself off and to do something else. But all my free times are consumed by reading, watching, learning cinema so much so that I again feel the need to be like a ‘normal’ person and I try to call up friends, make plans, grab a drink or two or go on a vacation so on. But again when I am out sometimes I feel like I should rather be home watching a movie. There is no balance at all about this way.
And I would like to share this lovely quote from the underrated film ‘Liberal Arts’
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1872818/quotes?item=qt1879371
Ana: I love books. I do in, like, the dorkiest way possible.
Jesse Fisher: Oh, me too. It’s a problem.
Ana: Like, I love trees cause they give us books.
Jesse Fisher: super cool of the trees to do that, Right?
Ana: I’m actually… this is weird. I’m actually trying to read less.
Jesse Fisher: Why?
Ana: I felt like I wasn’t watching enough television. No, l just started to feel like reading about life was taking time away from actually living life, so I’m trying to, like, accept invitations to things,say “hi” to the world a little more.
Jesse Fisher: That sounds scary. It’s going well?
Ana: It’s… okay. I keep thinking I’d be so much happier in bed with a book, and that makes me feel not super cool. I still read tons. I just feel like I’m more aware of a book’s limitations. Does that make sense?
Jesse Fisher: Yeah, totally.
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Srinivas R
August 13, 2015
This is turning out to be a wonderful comments section. I guess the question of balance becomes very pressing when faced a situation where you have chose between “work” and “life” when both are equally important, say an opportunity comes your way in your career after a long wait but there is a family situation that makes you think twice about pursuing that opportunity. That’s the time, as BR says, where I usually agonize over my choice and later regret about what I “missed” rather than think about what I accomplished.
Loved this comment from Rahini –“People are able to accept that creative jobs like say Dancing, Writing etc can give pleasure but not that IT jobs can”
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gvsafamily
August 13, 2015
@aparna
“while the Indian/ Buddhist one is quite the opposite : to have no desires or ambition and to be happy with whatever you have”
Eastern philosophy asks us to outgrow ‘materialistic’ desires and that too, once we reach a certain stage. We are never dissuaded from having desires or ambitions – in fact healthy ambitions and desires are key components in order for us to do our best in whatever we choose to do.
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Ram Murali
August 13, 2015
Di, absolutely wonderful comment. Agree with the sentiment completely.
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Santosh Balakrishnan
August 13, 2015
to start with the demarcation between work – life balance has blurred significantly.. my access to family or other non work related activity during office hours is quite good… same time my access to office work during wknds are equally good (emails on my phone)..
so my take on this is, as long the employee is given the space to exercise his work with minimum intrusion from the employer / manager (with the belief that he/she is matured enough to do the job as required) and so long an employee does not take liberties from the given freedom there will be enough time for both work & life (without any specific preparation to achieve the same)…
in my current work, there are 2 unwritten rules by the employer
an employee should not be disturbed during non office hours.. so me as an employee knows my personal time is respected by my employer and that make me perform my duty with more responsibility and accountability (and its a natural feeling in me due to the space i am being given.. hence no frustration or hatred)
employer cannot reject an employee leave request (2 continuous weeks is kinda agreed limit) provided employee can give intimation few days upfront (excluding leaves of urgent scenario).. this way it gives me enough scope to plan for my vacation.. (my personal guideline is at least one long vacation with my family per year)
from what i understand from my friends this is not necessarily the case in most companies in India..
but one disturbing / worrying aspect i see in employees in India (my sample size might be small hence possible skewed observation.. sorry if so..) is they themselves are not so keen to go for long vacation despite complaining how stressful their worklife is (many reasons being quoted by them of which most are not very relevant for career growth).. and i hear even stronger complaints from their better half regarding lack of time for family… even scarier thought is where parents not willing to let their kids take leaves even if just for a day to attend functions or go for wknd outing.. talk about these kids work-life balance scenario… 🙂
My company’s APAC head had this to say when asked how he makes critical decision related to work (in terms of relocation or taking challenging assignments).. Discuss with your family and ensure their happiness remains your top priority while making a decision.. because lack of happy family will always negatively impact professional life.. i felt this is a good way to approach work and life..
P.S. the most difficult thing for me to understand is fear of peer pressure and hence the need to work long hours (it is a very dangerous work culture that’s prevailing).. i still remember receiving strange/condescending looks when i left work on time as a new employee in my earlier companies (that dint change my way though)
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Neena
August 13, 2015
“Not self-righteous and all, I am OK with sending kids to day-care or nanny (I had to do that with second one), by all means, but these parents who outsourced parenting to india did it singularly to SAVE day-care money!!!”
Di: That IS very self-righteous! For all we know, those parents did what was best for their kids. Is that so wrong? Isn’t that in some ways very selfless? Maybe, the kids got much better care with their grandparents than with less experienced parents or in some daycare center, however much the parents decided to spend on it. Maybe the kids would be really grateful that their parents decided to save money which they could use later for college or pursue a financially less rewarding passion. How can we ever judge what someone else goes through with having kids and the decisions they consequently make?
I came across this brilliant comic recently which, I think, is relevant here: http://www.fowllanguagecomics.com/comic/long-weekend/
Iswarya: what you say about work being pleasure and household chores being work is so true. That is also a gendered position I think. I’m reminded of the Iswarya Rajesh character in Kakka Muttai – the only scene when she didn’t look harried but was actually relaxed seemed to be the one at her ‘workplace’. I keep hearing women, especially from my mother’s generation, say that they really needed to get to work to get out of the pressures of home everyday!
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Ravi K
August 13, 2015
https://www.jacobinmag.com/2015/08/do-what-you-love-miya-tokumitsu-work-creative-passion/
“Why do we allow ourselves to continue like this? If, according to the ‘Do What You Love’ ethic, the pleasure of work derives from the very act of production, what are workers doing during all of those surplus hours when they are not, well, producing or producing only poorly? Why are salaried workers lingering in the office after their work is done or when they are beyond the point of meaningful production, only making themselves less effective in the long term?
The answer clearly has nothing to do with economic rationality and everything to do with ideology. Although simple Excel charts may present the flimsiest guise of empirical, objective data about workers’ supposed passion, the truth is that passion doesn’t equal hours spent in the office, nor does it necessitate burning oneself out. Passion is all too often a cover for overwork cloaked in the rhetoric of self-fulfillment.”
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Di
August 13, 2015
@gvsafamily “We are never dissuaded from having desires or ambitions – “
So true. Never forget that Krishna’s palace was made of all pure gold. The point is he was not attached/dependant on it. There is a wonderful story. Krishna plays with Gopikas, teases them, touches them…then comes evening time and they all want to go home but the water in the river is high. Gopikas are scared to cross and do not want to spend night alone outside home either. They ask Krishna for help and Krishna says “go to river and tell her if Krishna is Brahmachari, then lower down”. Gopikas say, ” how can we say that…just now you were playful with us” etc. So Krishna say, “then you can stay here”. So Gopikas go to the river and do what Krishna told them to and rivers lower down.
Desires shouldn’t create pressure. Look at two great ‘sadhus’ Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. The clothes they wear. Latter still drives old, battered car. They both are giving money away to charities instead of giving it to even their children. So money in itself can never give pleasure. Another vedantic example commonly given by our Gurus is that of camel chewing nettle and the thorns make his mouth bleed. THe camel thinks how juicy the nettle leaves are unaware that he is tasting his own blood (or similar story of dog chewing a very dry bone and when his mouth bleeds, he thinks the bone is so juicy). The moral is that the objects don’t give you pleasure. YOU (the atma) are by your very nature ‘happiness’ (ananda).
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Anuja Chandramouli
August 13, 2015
BR: Really really enjoyed reading this article. I love work and it is hardly a chore but the thing is somewhere along the line, if you are a bona fide female, you are led to believe that you are simply not good enough unless you are wonder woman and superwoman rolled into one. Rahini’s comment was spot-on, women who work from the “comfort” of home are usually expected to double as maids, chefs, rangoli artistes, etc. If it is not possible to deliver consistently on all these fronts, either you feel like a slacker or made to feel like a lazy, steaming, pile of excrement.
Nowadays, thanks to the tourism industry, we are constantly being pressured into thinking that in order to get away from the pressures of WORK and LIFE which is a must in order to maintain equilibrium, we need to shell out beaucoup bucks and go to some crowded tourist destination, get burnt to a nice crisp, strike off boxes on the “Things to do in *****” list downloaded from tripadvisor, and take plenty of envy-inducing pics to post on FB, Twitter and instagram so that there is something to show from this life – changing experience other than a big fat hole in the pocket. I say bollocks to all that! As BR says, it is important to prioritize and do the things that makes us happy even if it means embracing your inner workaholic and taking every other Sunday off to get shit-faced, or allow your brain to turn to mush from too much TV or pornography viewing.
BR made an excellent point with “You keep thinking about what you didn’t do rather than what you did…”
…as the kind of thing that sends stress levels soaring through the roof. I am tattooing this onto my brain to refrain from indulging in this rather futile exercise in pointlessness. Many thanks to my New Age Guru, who I am hoping will jot down his thoughts on the short-lived porn-ban and totally make my day!!
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vijay
August 13, 2015
“but one disturbing / worrying aspect i see in employees in India (my sample size might be small hence possible skewed observation.. sorry if so..) is they themselves are not so keen to go for long vacation despite complaining how stressful their worklife is (many reasons being quoted by them of which most are not very relevant for career growth).. and i hear even stronger complaints from their better half regarding lack of time for family…”
Santosh, that could be because of the rat race factor and there are just too many rats in India. Also vacation is an alien concept in Indian work culture. You sometimes feel you have sinned if you take a 2-week long leave. The save-now-spend-later middle class mentality also comes into play. I am thinking that a lot of working desis wouldn’t know what to do if forcibly asked to go on a month-long vacation.
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Di
August 13, 2015
@Neena: ” How can we ever judge what someone else goes through with having kids and the decisions they consequently make?”
think of millions of american who cannot send their kids to india (or their native country in Europe etc)…. outsource parenting?… just because we desis have “choice” and just because parents or relatives say “yes” doesn’t absolve us of our duties of parenting. The thought behind sending them somewhere else needs to be examined. Is this the life-“balance” that you are trying to achieve? The sending away to a day-care for 8-10 hours is bad enough then imagine how traumatic never having them around to begin with!! How can such a child then go thru’ SECOND trauma of separating from grandparents to go back to “parents”. I cannot even bear to imagine the pain/ Psychological issues. that poor kid sufffers. I once sat in airplane, flight to india, with a dad next to me with new born baby so tiny that he didn’t even know how to hold it properly. He was going home to drop the newborn to his parents house because mother didn’t even have time to make this trip as she was preparing for medical exam. The new born cried the WHOLE journey. It was heartbreaking. And the same newborn will have 2nd heartbreak when these very same “parents” will wrench him out of grandparents hands at age 5 or 6 when he ready for kindergarden, all potty trained and culture infused. Whatever the situation parents had, the child had not committed any crime and didn’t have a choice. So the onus (of judging ) lies with the parents always (and I will not bring karma theory here lol)
Two of my teen classmates were raised by their masi in mumbai while the girls parents worked in dubai. The mom-dad were sending good sum of money to the masi but masi was extremely mean and stingy and abusive. The girls were a mess. They felt abandoned by parents and felt they couldn’t “complain”…so they endured. If you are abandoned by your own parents you will possibly have trust issues and Psychological problems for life!!
Anyhow. Close of topic.
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rothrocks
August 14, 2015
Great article and great responses. One point I want to make is perhaps looking at the ‘other’ activities as only a pleasure or indulgence is a bit restrictive. Depending on what those activities are, you may be able to make more out of it than a mere pastime if you want to. I play tennis everyday. As of now it’s a hobby. But who knows maybe I could be a coach one day when I have the experience and testimonials. I could even do online tutorials, write blogs. I like to write. It doesn’t pay as of now but maybe one day I could monetize it. Imo if one is productive and manages time effectively, 9 hours a day for 5 days a week is adequate to get your work done. In corporate, a lot of time is wasted in faffing or just waiting for instructions from managers who don’t delegate enough. It’s not like I religiously avoid addressing work issues on weekends; I often do resolve anything that can be resolved without my physical presence in the office. Technology makes it really easy. I am just saying pursuing other activities need not be a guilt ridden trip. The world is very dynamic and disruptive and a chosen field of work itself may get obsolete. So spread your risk if you can; pursuing a passion side by side might just come in handy one day.
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rothrocks
August 14, 2015
Re daycare, forget America, they are much sought after in India. As are old age homes. I am sure people would have perfectly valid reasons why, but what it boils down to is society is becoming increasingly transactional. The columnist Anubhav Pal wrote a funny piece on the Mumbaiite’s uneasiness with idle time, where if you called up somebody who is just an acquaintance and not really a friend just like that without any business to transact, they would think you are mad. Well, what Mumbai thinks today India does tomorrow so I won’t be surprised if things are moving in that direction elsewhere too. Looks like Neil Peart beat John Lennon in the long run.
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Puneeta
August 14, 2015
I take umbrage at the labelling of non-work time as “life”. Are you not living when you are at work? Why can’t it be called a work-home balance?
The rest of what you say is pretty great. As someone who hasn’t taken a vacation in three years (yup, an atheist, I worked throught Diwali as well! 😀 ), I am now relaxing because I reached where I wanted to career-wise(I work in marketing), and the break-neck speed is not necessary, at least not for a bit.
Maybe when I get into my dream career (scriptwriting) I will push the pedal on the accelerator and careen again, but until then I am happy coasting along 🙂 And maybe I will even take a vacation 🙂
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Puneeta
August 14, 2015
On an aside, why haven’t you written about MI: Rogue Nation yet? 😦
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Di
August 14, 2015
Puneeta, we watched MI.x and loved all (predictable) parts of it! Kid and I “sang” along the music in the theater (a very first ever for us) and it seemed no one minded. It was a fun ride. The film that left me spellbound was Bahubali….
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Iswarya
August 14, 2015
Puneeta: The choice of words would be even more misleading if BR had called it “work-home” balance because “home” doesn’t always mean putting up one’s feet. I guess that has been clarified earlier. The words here point more or less to existential, rather than, spatial criteria.
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Gradwolf
August 14, 2015
This whole work and loving one’s work etc being celebrated as some sort of virtue must be stopped. Humanity’s ultimate goal is unemployment. One’s life part is what one loves to do, enjoys doing while work remains as something that one doesn’t mind doing and can get by with just because one gets paid for it. Work as passion is a strict no-no because once you start getting paid for doing something you love, it becomes a job. I am also saying this work-life balance is myth but totally for different reasons. What is work, what is life needs redefinition!
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chhotesaab
August 14, 2015
Great Discussion !
This is one of the topics where, IMHO, there is no right or wrong, or a template to follow, and a lot of comments have addressed that. Right work-life balance for someone might not be right for someone else and vice versa. Whatever works for a particular person. And that could be an evolving thing.
At the end of my work day, I’m happy to go home and at the end of the weekends, I’m happy to go to work. That’s a good enough balance for me! Sure, it could always be better both work wise and home wise but you know what, there are just 24 hours in a day so ………
Rahini’s first comment re: doctors and teachers long hours as opposed to an accountant – well obviously the perception is the way it is because doctors / teachers/ social workers etc are helping or taking care of other people (directly) as opposed to an accountant or some profession like that. But all the observations and points are valid and great.
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apala
August 14, 2015
On a lighter vein:
Life was more merrier when Apple, Blackberries were just fruits…
Hmmm… those were the days, my friend we thought would never end.
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apala
August 14, 2015
“The concept in Hinduism is diametrically opposite of west!! In west we are taught, “do what you love and you will never have to work a day in your life”.
Well, You have to do what you NEED to do, so that you can do what you WANT to do… that’s the balance, I guess!
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praneshp
August 14, 2015
@Di: Not cool, coming up with a biased rant about some things you don’t like, generalizing with sample set = 1, not engaging in a discussion, and saying ‘Anyhow. Close of topic.’. I could find you an equally large set of parents that made their kids study for IIT-JEE/medical even if the kid hated it. I’d rather grow up with grandparents/aunts.
And, interesting choice of people to call sadhus. If you think Bill Gates is a “sadhu”, you’re completely unaware how much damage he caused to free software single-handedly, and through Microsoft. He may be doing a lot of good work now, but it doesn’t absolve him of the shit he has done in the past.
Other than that, I wonder where the IT-is-not-satisfying logic came from. I work in Software Development (bit removed from IT), but I love my job (vs loving where I work), and see a lot of happy (and some unhappy ones) people around. I wonder if people start out happy and the rut then sets in?
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Srinivas R
August 14, 2015
“Humanity’s ultimate goal is unemployment”
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Ram Murali
August 14, 2015
“Life was more merrier when Apple, Blackberries were just fruits…”
@apala, LOL! reminded me of that hilarious exchange between Dhanush and Amala Paul in VIP where the latter talks about getting an Apple (phone) and the former dismisses it with a smirk saying something like, “Enge veetlaye ekkachakka apple (fruit) iruku!”
Crazy Mohan (who is my wife’s Uncle) recently told a joke to my wife’s sister:
“Ungaluku copy-paste na ena-nu theriyaadha?”
“Enga aathula paste-ku apram thaan kaapi!”
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apala
August 14, 2015
@Srinivas R: “Humanity’s ultimate goal is unemployment”
இதைத்தான் “சும்மா இருத்தலே சுகம்” -னு பெரியவுங்க சொல்லுவாங்க!
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Iswarya
August 14, 2015
Praneshp: I totally agree. It’s so easy to condemn other people’s choices without really stepping into their shoes. And closing off the discussion just like that.. No fair.
Gradwolf: “Humanity’s ultimate goal is unemployment.”
I’m not sure all of humanity would agree. In fact, I’ve been thinking about what BR says here about “what makes you happy.” I’d like to qualify that a little further. There are occasional cravings and indulgences that seem to make us happy, but whether they would mean long-term happiness is doubtful. I think of happiness in the longer run as things that enhance your own sense of self-worth, irrespective of whether that is through financial rewards, the joy of a clean home, the smile of your kids or the satisfaction of having volunteered at the nearest orphanage. The happiness of looking back at something that you achieved which nobody else could have, I won’t say done better, but done in that unique way in which you did. That sense of ownership you feel towards the effort of your hands, your mind and your affections – I think of that as happiness.
Ram Murali: LOL at that copy-paste! 😀
BTW, unga melayum andha kaathu konjam balama than adichiruku, saar. 🙂
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brangan
August 14, 2015
When I say “what makes you happy,” I obviously mean in the now. It’s impossible to predict long-term happiness with anything.
Also, disagree with the unemployment thing. The feeling of not just being paid but earning that money because of a service you provide that not may others can… That’s quite a great feeling.
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Iswarya
August 14, 2015
BR: Well, by long run, I also meant the relative long-run, say looking back on your choices in the course of a year or so, not a contemplation-of-your-life-so-far sort of thing. Why I said long run was that the precise way in which some of those ‘now’ moments are spent can plague us a little later with guilt trips. A slightly distant view, one step back, is what I wanted to take. In terms of what-my-life-has-been reflections, we’re always wise only after the events.
BTW, The feeling of not just being paid but earning that money because of a service you provide that not many others can… is what I also meant by The happiness of looking back at something that you achieved which nobody else could have, I won’t say done better, but done in that unique way in which you did.
In fact, I’m quite aware of the fact that passions do degenerate into routines at some point. Going through that phase myself. BUT, when your work is in some sense an extension of your personality, and if you’re basically happy with who you are, every act involved in the work adds to your own inner worth in a way no amount of leisure, idleness or unemployed luxury can. Those who crave unemployment then, not as a break from work or as a welcome change, but as an end in itself, must be somewhere unhappy with themselves, I feel.
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doctorhari
August 15, 2015
Because few people brought in spirituality here, thought I’d contribute my two cents from the knowledge I’ve gained from the inspiring spiritual books I’ve come across.
Sri Aurobindo’s explanation of Gita’s idea of Dharma goes like this – every soul when born brings with it a ‘seed of self-expression’. Swabhava, Gita calls it. The work which is in alignment with one’s Swabhava is one’s Dharma in life. That is how Sri Aurobindo interprets it. How it differs from the individualism-centered philosophy of the West is: Gita insists our Dharma should be done in the spirit of Yajna – a heartfelt offering to the world. Then, our work would elevate us, rather than getting us more tangled with the world. That is Gita’s Karma Yoga. (Being sincere in one’s responsibilities, say, towards parents, children, the environment and so on are also included under one’s Dharma, but that is not the only aspect.) When done this way our work would root us more and more in our true spiritual self, says Gita.
About சும்மா இருத்தல் – I don’t know in what way it was meant, but yes, that is the ultimate attainment as per Gita too. Not the lazy man’s சும்மா இருத்தல், but that of the one who has completed full circle and has reached that state of deep calm within him through his work. For him the purpose of work in the world is attained. Yet as long as he is here, he should continue to act, tells Gita – for the sake of inspiring the world the right way. A poem by Hafez comes to mind here: ‘Even after all this time, the sun never expects any return from the earth. Look what happens with a love like that – it lights up the whole sky.’
But I have to concede that all that is quite difficult to follow when we are just a cog in the unfeeling corporate machine.
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Priyangu
August 15, 2015
Punch phrase: “Balancing the mind”.
Speaks a ton about the EQ of a person.
On a related note, “Piku” movie portrayed this work-life balance very beautifully and very realistically. It’s all in the beautiful mind.
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Di
August 15, 2015
For gradwolf’s ‘controversial comment (lol), watch this clip:
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Gradwolf
August 15, 2015
@Iswarya: Of course all of humanity is not going to agree. Not even two people in this space 😀
My philosophy is better articulated by Sidin here: http://www.livemint.com/Opinion/VpW7tczZzs0S5Wyo8g4EMP/Cubiclenama–Dont-love-your-job.html
I strongly believe making work only 20-25% of your happiness or life part of the whole balance. I am not at all a fan of the whole “loving your job” or do what you love thing. (there is whole another angle to it where “do what you love” is essentially a form of privilege. There was a good write up on this that I am not able to find now).
“But then…maybe loving your job isn’t such a good thing. Think about it. As far as most organizations are concerned you are really just a fungible asset.
Yes, yes. You might like to think you’re special and indispensable. But really, you’re not. What causes greater discord in your office? You going off on a two-week break? Or the Wi-Fi router breaking down for 15 minutes? See?”
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Di
August 15, 2015
@praneshp: it is not a personal bias. There is a right and there is a wrong. If motivation is saving money (which is what it is in 99% cases in USA) then it is 100% wrong action. Can a grandmom, for instance, breastfeed the child? Should that not be the new mom’s responsibility? Fine. No breastmilk. Day-care raising. But the parents at least are there in evenings/weekends. I can sort of understand that the mom and dad both had to go to work therefore daycare/nanny. But dumping them to India?!? One can plan and prioritize and prepare before having a baby. Buy smaller home. Find a job that allows one or two years of leave without pay etc etc. I don’t see this type of behavior in other immigrants here in USA. There has to be limit to chasing career/money and both parents should not be running after the career/money. I know some brave stay at home dads! If you cannot love your own child and provide her with time she needs, then no one else is going to able to do that! It is completely unfair to burden you aging parents to duties of 100% raising a child, when they already did that for you!! And after giving up the child to be raised by grandparents what rights do we have to traumatise him/her again few years down the road? You could go blue in face arguing for the parents and how/why they made this choice, but I will still side with the innocent child who had no say in the matter!
On Bill Gates: “subah ka bhula agar sham ko ghar wapas aa jaye to usse bhula nahi kehte” fits.
First England introduces industrial methods; factories; treats people like machines. Then to over come all the guilt, the corporations now say work-life balance, yada, yada. It is like whacking someone on face, then providing them with band-aid and chocolate to make them feel OK. Many time this “work-life” balance is just a sham. The corporate policy is one thing and following up is another. Companies and their managers famously speak from both ends of their mouth!!
😦
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Anu Warrier
August 15, 2015
Coming late to the discussion here, but I find it interesting. My husband is an engineer, and finds a lot of pleasure in his work. Code is beautiful to him. I’m an editor and I work from home. Yes, in the beginning, it was hard because I was at home and while no one expected a photoshoot-worthy home at any point, maintenance calls became my domain because it was ‘easier for you to call from home’. Eh? Not really. I don’t like my work day disturbed either. Once we worked that out, we were fine.
Also, there’s a lot of self-induced guilt if you are working from home. When I went to work, it was different. I didn’t have to worry about the chores left undone at home. They got done or not as the case may be when I had the time. Now, I can see (in my mind’s eye) the laundry waiting to be done, the clothes needing to be ironed, what’s for dinner… It took some time to train myself out of that mindset.
I enjoy my work; I get frustrated by it; I could kill some of my clients – but all that would have happened if I worked in office as well.
I don’t see why I have to do something for my work-life balance. Society seems to put such a premium today on taking a vacation or working long hours (or not) or being creative (or not) – as if all these are mutually exclusive. You can work and be creative even if you are not in the traditionally ‘creative’ fields – I’ve seen my husband’s joy at writing some particularly complex bit of code, and I see him happily cooking while listening to music at the same time.
Maybe I don’t analyse myself or my life too much, but ‘taking stock’ is something I haven’t done. There’s no point in regrets (other than a moment or two) for things you haven’t accomplished, or dreams you have lost along the way. Life goes on. I look for relative happiness. Am I happy today? And if I’m not, is that the end of the world? Tomorrow is always around the corner.
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Anu Warrier
August 15, 2015
@Di, even though she seems to have closed the topic. Let me offer one case to counter her one case. My friend dropped her three-month-old baby off at her parents in India. She was studying for her Dental entrance at the time. Her daughter stayed with the grandparents until she was 4. Came back here to be with her parents then and is now a well-adjusted, well-settled young woman of 17 and a highschool senior.
What she got out of being ‘outsourced’ to her grandparents? A well-adjusted family life with people who loved her and cared for her, parents who visited regularly during the period she was away from them, and a very, very close bond with her grandparents that still continues to this day. Every year, she spends her summer holidays with said grandparents, or they come here. Because of the way she grew up, she is very close to extended family as well. (Unlike my sons who have no clue who half their ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ are.) I would say that that is one case where things worked out even better than expected.
So, are you being self-righteous? Darn right you are. It didn’t work for you, fine. It is not something you would do, fair enough. But to actually judge why other parents would do something that you wouldn’t do? Judgemental.
We all make choices that are right for us, and our circumstances. We have the right to do so without being pilloried for them. And when my case counters yours, does that mean one of us has to be wrong for the other to be right? There are several cases that will fall between these two extremes. Not all good, not all bad, not all great, not all horrible. It might be good to keep that in mind.
As the great bard said, There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
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brangan
August 15, 2015
Once again, thanks all, for a wonderful discussion. Am inspired to write more “general” posts like this one. As Anuja (jokingly?) says, maybe there is a New Age guru in me after all 🙂
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brangan
August 15, 2015
Gradwolf: I am not at all a fan of the whole “loving your job” or do what you love thing.
Perhaps. You know yourself best. But from my POV, let me say that there are huge benefits to loving your job or doing what you love, and I think it boils down to what Iswarya beautifully said: whether your work is an “extension of your personality.”
For me, it definitely is. A lot of the things people say they derive from “life” things — say, happiness, peace of mind — I derive from work. I feel as much of a high or as much relaxed when a piece of writing comes out the way I want it to as when I’m chilling out with friends/family or having an ice cream or meditating or whatever. The “life”-leaning pleasure centres are activated equally at “work.”
Of course, this is what I mean when I say it depends on the individual.
But just wanted to reiterate this in light of Sidin’s (very good) piece — which may be true from the POV of people whose work is not an “extension of your personality.” But it’s not THE “truth.” It’s one man’s opinion. As is my piece.
Anu Warrier: Life goes on. I look for relative happiness. Am I happy today? And if I’m not, is that the end of the world? Tomorrow is always around the corner.
Wow. Just wow.
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praneshp
August 15, 2015
@Di: ” If motivation is saving money (which is what it is in 99% cases in USA)”.
Says who? Do you have peer-reviewed research to show that pegs the number at 99%? How do you know it is not 95.7%? Is it not possible that your acquaintances and experiences have moulded your views? Every single one of my friends came to the US looking for research experience and the such. Does that mean in 99% of the cases people are chasing education, which can only be a nice thing? And btw, not one Indian immigrant couple I know has sent their kid away to India. That is what forms my biases, but I’m willing to see/listen and don’t make up numbers out of thin air.
”’On Bill Gates: “subah ka bhula agar sham ko ghar wapas aa jaye to usse bhula nahi kehte” fits.”’
I don’t even now how to reply to this while also being nice and respectful. It doesn’t fucking fit.
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Priyangu
August 15, 2015
“Am inspired to write more “general” posts like this one. As Anuja (jokingly?) says, maybe there is a New Age guru in me after all”
I was waiting to see something on these lines. Finally it seems to be happening.
It would be quite exciting if BR starts publishing a full-length magazine. A general one, like the (g)olden days Ananda Vikatan or Kalki. But an innovative one tuned to tap the current tech age features.
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Madan
August 15, 2015
Re Gradwolf’s comment, I think there are two separate strands of thought here. Gradwolf is talking about not loving one’s JOB. People are responding with “what’s wrong with loving one’s work?”. The two things are different. By all means enjoy your day at work, enjoy the process. It doesn’t matter actually what you do, you should enjoy the process else you will feel miserable and perpetually unhappy. But should you love a JOB? Pl remember that the brutal truth in today’s society is you are just a ‘resource’ for a faceless, emotionless ‘organisation’. I cannot take names but I work for an industry bellwether and people who have given 20-30 years to the company without being disloyal and shifting to greener pastures have been laid off in the name of austerity while the top management pockets raises (for what?). I am not judging, this is simply how the world works today. Whether you are leftist or rightist, capital reigns supreme and terrorises employees and governments alike into submission. In such a scenario, loving your job (and by implication, your organisation) would be naive in the extreme. Hey, I am not for stopping anybody from fulfilling their desires. So if you wish to still love your job, go right ahead. But be well aware of the pitfalls. A bit of detachment may help you to see yourself as an entrepreneur and take stock periodically of whether your org pays you the market value of your job. This is something everybody should do today. Let orgs moan about disloyalty and attrition. If they cannot stand by staff during hard times, they don’t deserve loyal employees.
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bart
August 15, 2015
Work encompasses everything around it like – time & deadlines, protocols, hierarchy, promotions, appraisals / judgements, uncertainty, idle time, red-tapism, documentations (template-driven), platitudes and a lot of falseness to bear with. So it being an “extension of your personality” or deriving ” happiness, peace of mind” from it are dependent on how much of the non-work components are part of one’s work. On the top of it, as pointed out by Sidin, if the work is “insurance claims adjustment” and your colleague “loves” it, maybe a hookah bar should be visited everyday before work to get anywhere closer to similar mental zones.
The work can be an extension of “life” only when there are high levels of autonomy in it and a significant portion of it kindles interest and produces joy. While I agree that there are “adjustment”s in life too, it becomes painful when you’ve got to do it with strangers for survival. As put brilliantly by Anu, to work towards tomorrow’s relative happiness is a way to breathe “life” into it 🙂
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vijay
August 15, 2015
“The feeling of not just being paid but earning that money because of a service you provide that not may others can… That’s quite a great feeling.”
In a typical corporate setting almost everybody is replaceable. So thinking that its just me who could provide this service could be a bit misleading. Nobody is indispensable, just that the price of dispensability varies from one to another.
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Di
August 15, 2015
“My friend dropped her three-month-old baby off at her parents in India. She was studying for her Dental entrance at the time. Her daughter stayed with the grandparents until she was 4.”
@Anu: first of all, a lot of sacrifice involved. When she is ‘healthy’ 17, who cares what happened in past and that she got weened at 3 months of age from her mother’s milk (American pediatric association wants mothers to nurse at least 12 months). Lot of americans go to med school or dental or higher education but I don’t see them sending kids away to some foreign or their native country for years and years. That is not delivering svadharma and having a completely lop-sided lifestyle. Instead of work-life “balance”, your friend’s life is completely balanced on the side of work/career. Have you interviewed the double-trauma 17 year old to know the truth before saying she is “healthy”?
On a side note: Neetu Singh, Hema Malini, Rekha, Sridevi maybe utterly successful today and all appearing “normal” but they all have deep rooted psychological issues of having been treated as child labor (you can read any number of Neetu Singh’s interview and she will kooly say that again and again). None of them therefore forced (child labor) their young daughters to be child stars. Their parents can go blue into our faces saying how very TALENTED they were even as kids etc etc, but that doesn’t change the truth that a childhood was lost and that a career was built on lots of unhealthy choices in which the child had pretty much no say!!!! I had a friend whose parents sent her to Panchagani from kindergarden onwards. She is now a ‘normal’ 25 year old. She swears that whenever she has kids, whatever city she is in, she will never separate her child from herself, for any reason. The person who has gone thru’ the trauma of separation knows The healthy 25 year old is normal but eats incessantly and is morbidly obese and I know that she is not aloe responsible for it in ways more than one!. I don’t think a child should be subjected to such separation trauma for “n” number of reasons (and there will ALWAYS be “n” number of reasons to do so). The psychologist couch was invented for these very kids, who grew up and had lot of mental issues… inner child issues… drugs. I had a friend whose very old older sister (in her 50s) was married to british royalty. The handsome royal was in his late 20s. I was aghast… and so were the parents of the royal man! HOW IN THE WORLD THIS HAPPENED?!?!?! The wife is beyond even reproductive age, lol. IT turns out that his royal highness was thrown into the care of nannies at birth and boarding schoo when he was 6 yrs oldl and the royal mama didn’t have time as she was busy with her royal “duties”. So repercussions are always there in the society, at MIRCO and MACRO level and subject of most of Manmohan Desai’s movies as well..lol. And yes, there is a right and a wrong, in this case as clear as chalk and cheese.
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vijay
August 15, 2015
“If they cannot stand by staff during hard times, they don’t deserve loyal employees.”
which is why I am not a fan of all those bullshit “family day” outings, or we are family kinda speeches/functions which I stay away from. At the first sign of trouble these a-holes wouldn’t hesitate to shake your hands and let you go. where does the family go then, you wonder.
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Di
August 15, 2015
@Praneshp: “@Di: ” If motivation is saving money (which is what it is in 99% cases in USA)”.”
Sorry, I was trying to be nice. It should read 100% of cases and not 99%. my mistake.
In the guise of various excuses (parents are studying for exams to working in factory to working in hi-tech to kids itself is sick to blah-blah) the bottom line was the parents didn’t want 1) quit working/studying/making any sort of lifestyle changes
2) they didn’t want to waste the money they had gotten by (1) above, to stupid day-care or nanny, which was exorbitant.
So both 1) and 2) are really related to money!!
I have a friend who decided not to get married. ANother couple who don’t want children (they know they are selfish, want to travel and enjoy life forever and ever instead of being stuck with kids who are nothing but resourse consumption unit in terms of time and money). I have tremendous amount of respect for both, the unmarried friend and childless couple!
So if all the guilty parents now let me off the hook, I am tired of discussing this topic and want to move on…..
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Anu Warrier
August 16, 2015
Di, I know I’m not going to change your mind by saying this, and I doubt you will get off your high horse (let me know how the climate is up there for you), but just on the off chance that you will realise that not everyone falls into your reading of their lives and the effects of ‘separation trauma’ on it, let me at least try to explain. For the last time, I promise! After that, I will follow your lead and say ‘Case closed!’
One, I’ve known that girl since she was 4. She’s grown up in front of my eyes. So yes, you will have to take my word for it that she is perfectly healthy and happy and well-adjusted. Yes, I know she doesn’t fit your narrative of how she should be. I’m sorry I can’t make her a maladjusted, unhappy teenager to prove your point.
Two. My friend has a perfect work life balance, thank you very much. Ever since her daughter came back, she’s been working part-time as a dentist, increasing her hours as the child grew older and didn’t need her as much. Now, she’s again cutting back because her daughter is in her senior year. Again, sorry to burst your bubble, but my friend’s kid is not obese nor does she have any psychological problems.
Did you interview her? A tad ironic, don’t you think since you appear to be talking about the motivations of everyone you know who has sent their kids back to India?
As for your Not self-righteous and all disclaimer, it is pretty obvious from your following posts that you are very self-righteous and judgemental. It just oozes from your posts. And what did you say? Lot of americans go to med school or dental or higher education but I don’t see them sending kids away to some foreign or their native country for years and years.
Well, for one, this is the Americans’ native country. Even those who have immigrated have very few ties to their native lands. Secondly, many (not most, not all) American kids spent their time ping-ponging between their mothers’ and their fathers’ separate houses, because a lot of the parents are divorced. Then they have to deal with parental alienation, step parents (good or bad), different schools, loss of income and therefore lifestyle due to their parents’ divorce and so on. You’re telling me that that is fine, but it is not fine that Indian kids are looked after by loving grandparents? Assumedly, the grandparents have a choice?
You don’t want to send your kids away. Don’t. Others do or have to, for reasons of their own. Please don’t think you know everyone’s motivations. Stop judging them, all the while pretending not to judge them. Because then you are not just being self-righteous and judgemental; you’re also being hypocritical.
Disclaimer: I haven’t sent my kids anywhere, though sometimes, I would cheerfully like to send the older one on a one-way ticket to the moon.
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Iswarya
August 16, 2015
Di: I know that your last response was to Anu, but I feel compelled to respond. If only what you posted here had been a part of a face-to-face conversation, I’d have stormed out of the room in disgust. Since there’s no way of being so demonstrative online, let me try and point out a couple of things as civilly as I can.
Since you roped in a lot of spiritual stuff earlier into the discussion, even now getting all prescriptive about ‘swadharma,’ let me say this: I don’t know what this ‘swadharma’ is and don’t know that I give two hoots. There is one spiritual rule, though, that I mostly stick to: not casting the first stone on others.
There are multiple reasons why children maybe weaned away from mother’s milk at 3 months or even earlier. I, for one, had lactose intolerance as an infant and was weaned even earlier. My point is, please don’t judge, not knowing all the facts of a case.
I was brought up by my grandparents since my ‘viciously career-oriented’ mother subjected me to the ‘trauma of separation’ just for the sake of the ‘pursuit of filthy money.’ And guess what? I’m BLOODY GLAD she did. In addition to all the problems she faced with her health, finances and the socially-imposed guilt factor, I wouldn’t put her (or by extension, any other mother who has had tough choices to make) on the dock for acting in any way she thought best for both of us. God knows there are enough of smug stone-throwers in the world.
Despite your wish to put all those apparently healthy and successful women on the couch (and since we’re holding discussions here on anecdotal evidence and the sample size of 1), I believe I can confidently say that I’m reasonably healthy, socially well-adjusted and certainly in no risk of turning psychopath or revealing symptoms of “inner child issues… drugs” etc. Again, please don’t generalise on who the psych’s couch was invented for.
And regarding that marriage with a person of the British royalty, you wonder “HOW IN THE WORLD THIS HAPPENED?!?!?!” Guess what? It’s none of your … business. (It took all my self-control and years of training my students not to swear in public to stop me now from using any profanities.) Anyway, that example doesn’t add anything to the discussion. If a ‘handsome’ young man in his 20s, royalty or no royalty, decides to marry anybody of his choice, it’s his … business. And no, it doesn’t matter how aghast any freaking stranger or his own parents feel about it.
Knowing something about May-December marriages myself, let me call your attention to the one big joke you thought you’d cracked: The wife is beyond even reproductive age, lol. Sorry, utterly un-funny. Better luck next time.
The only line in your comment that approached any level of humour (I’m sure, unintentionally) was what you had to say about “right/wrong” and “chalk vs. cheese” at the end. Thank you.
BR: Sorry that it got too personal. I hope this will never happen again. And hope I remained as civil as I promised at the beginning of the comment.
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Rahul
August 16, 2015
“Am inspired to write more “general” posts like this one. As Anuja (jokingly?) says, maybe there is a New Age guru in me after all”
All good, until and unless you turn up as a guest commentator on a TV debate on “Migrating patterns of antarctic penguins”. Leave that to the Suhel Seths and the Chetan Bhagats.
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newbie
August 16, 2015
Great topic and what an interesting conversation covering a gamut of opinions.
@Di – My two cents worth on the ‘child-outsourcing’ one. I concur very much with @Anu and @pranesh in that you seem to have confused ‘opinions and bias’ with ‘scientific facts’, ‘examples in your personal life’ with ‘thats just the way the whole world runs’ , ‘quantity of time spent’ with ‘quality of time spent’ , ‘ageing invalids’ with ‘grandparents’ , ‘seeing kids in the evening and weekends’ with ‘baby heaven’ and ‘black and white’ with an ‘incredibly huge colourful spectrum’.
Adding to that though, seeing that you have taken the side of the innocent child, that the innocent child had no say in all this – I am compelled to say any choice you make as a parent for the child perpetuates or sets in motion a set of events that will have both good and bad impact on the child, other children, other adults, the environment and the universe. If you use disposable diapers for your baby, you are contributing to serious risks to the environment and people alike. If you feed your baby non-vegetarian food, your kill life in the name of your child. If you buy clothes, shoes, jewellery for your child, you have probably contributed to some innocent lives being exploited in the supply-chain of those products, again in the name of the child. If you live in a town or a city, you probably have contributed to the destruction of a forested or arable area, thereby contributing to ecological (and food scarcity) issues. If you use energy from non-renewables and use non-degradables, then you are contributing to climate change and other issues damaging the very earth we live in. You make all these choices in the name of the baby and then raise it in such a way that the baby almost never feels bad about any of this when grown up and continues making the same choices for his or her baby (although I must say I am much more hopeful about the current younger generation than my own what with all the awareness).
On the trauma issue, children bond when they meet other children who have had the same experiences. There is no trauma without stigma! When people like yourself consider parental care and attention to be the only panacea for a child to become golden, there is no doubt people who have made different choices are made to feel bad. There is no one particular way to be a parent as there is no one particular way to love. I think Chandler Bing said it best in Friends ‘I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.’
Oh and one word about grandparents too – its proven that spending time with grandchildren (babysitting) improves their mental well-being and keeps them from slipping into loneliness, depression and can even delay onset of diseases such as Alzheimers.
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Neena
August 16, 2015
Di: I’m beginning to think we are really dealing with a troll here. Mainly because most of the comments you make are kind of unbelievable. Anyway, since others have responded to your holier-than-though views on parenting, I only want to respond to your bit about the couple who are childless by choice and ‘know they are selfish’. So the only way to be ‘selfless’, according to you, is to move to the US, have kids, pay through your nose for child care and also maintain a career?
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Madan
August 16, 2015
Shame that a great discussion got sidetracked by the sanctimoniousness of one individual.
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Iswarya
August 16, 2015
Neena: You make me wish I could click that up-vote button a couple of times more. I too was too stunned to respond to that. I was reminded only of this quote from my favourite writer (the one I’m doing my research on):
Jesus, Annie, you’re beginning to appal me. There’s something scary about stupidity made coherent. I can deal with idiots, and I can deal with sensible argument, but I don’t know how to deal with you. 🙂
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Di
August 16, 2015
@neena: let Irony in my statement escape you. I rather be that “selfish” couple who made a difficult choice instead of being just selfishly fulfilling desires of becoming biological parent, married to work-money-career what have you.
@Ann: There will be exceptions. Maybe 17 year old turned out ok, as you claim. American society and kids raised in two parent home, certainly are not our role models. If I was a mother, who had the baby in my womb for 9 months and 3 months post birth, came to empty home, i would rather die/quit med-dental school. i am emotional being. Just talk to a woman who is trying to have kids for 10+ years and is undergoing trauma of infertility. Or another mother whose child is suffering from terminal illness and ask the mother-father if they are willing to part with baby for one hour, even!!!!
@newbie: See the whole point of Chandler Bing was he did want to raise the baby. If he had said, “lets have a baby and send it away somewhere else to be raised” then it would be a point of this discussion. lol
ALL: the whole discussion came about from “balance”: work-life balance: If you are going to put the child away, it skews the balance. I am not sure who people do not see that?!. IF you all are in disagreement with this and want to continue to outsource responsibilities, then be my guest. I too want to outsource, cleaning, cooking, raising kids, gardening…pretty much everything and be in the same zone as Gradwolf. I would to love to escape life, do nothing, all the stuff that is causing too much stress and takes up too much of money. There is no ‘bhav’ left in life if everything that matters is outsourced! Life is choiceless-choice. Certain things have to be done, whether you like it or not. The day parents send their biological kids 1000s of miles away to India, I lose my faith in basic concepts of humanity, love. It is Kali Yuga where Dharma cow is “standing” on one leg.
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Di
August 16, 2015
And from the amount of personal, below the belt hitting/criticism I got, what with being called a “troll” no less, I have my suspicion that lot of the readers are NRI (never returning indians) who have made certain choices in their lives (that will remain unmentioned) and are eye ball deep in guilt. Maybe all of you all find peace.
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Di
August 16, 2015
“Jesus, Annie, you’re beginning to appal me. There’s something scary about stupidity made coherent. I can deal with idiots, and I can deal with sensible argument, but I don’t know how to deal with you. “
Iswara, your name should be changed to something else. lol. Lets see what the real Ishwara did:
Arjuna too has all the arguments in chapter one that are oh so convincing. It is better for the kid. The parents won’t get alzeimers. The child will learn all the various languages plus the native language and all the culture-religious stuff that I don’t possess. The day cares are not just expensive but child will get lot of infections and who will take it to doctor? I don’t have time from school/work/exams/chores to do all that where as parents in India are free all the time. Then the baby is lactose intolerant after all (https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bfinfo/lactose.html) etc etc. Seems to be very convincing and speak to all of us, every parent here in USA. All the aruguements. IT is of course not about money (of course it is not about Arjuna’s fear or cold feet; how could it be; he is warrier prince and all). And then 17 chapters devoted to drop the ignorance. And in each and every chapter Arjuna goes “but…but…but….what about…but, but….”. It wasn’t easy to take up dharma. Even for this dharmic prince. And Ishwara has to go literally blue in face to convince Krishna of what is the right. However the last sentence of Bhagvan is priceless. Now that you have the knowledge, do what YOU think you should do. Bhagvan also gives us that freedom to act the way we want to!!
If Warrier prince Arjuna could have ignorance, then what are we? We just don’t have a Krishna to guide us and tell us the truth.
I am sure all the babies brought up in India will survive and flourish. I am sure parents will get past the “life-balance”. I am sure same parents, one day as retirees will raise their grand kids just fine.
On a karmic plane though, I only have one prayer. If I even have another birth, let my biological mother also be the one to raise me and let me play in her lap and never be departed/parted from her. May this be so for all babies.
Peace.
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Priyangu
August 16, 2015
I think the punch phrase of BR’s article is “balancing the mind”. Let us not use our mental balance. We are all citizens of the world. The world will always be balanced: If there is an East, there has to be a West. If there is Work there has to be a Life. May peace prevail.
PS: For those you are still angry, if you want some comic relief, please read a few of BR’s reviews on some really mokka films of recent times. 🙂
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Priyangu
August 16, 2015
Ouch, i meant, “let us not lose our mental balance”.. LOL 🙂
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Anu Warrier
August 16, 2015
I rather be that “selfish” couple who made a difficult choice
Who told you they made a difficult choice? Perhaps it was the easiest choice they made – to not have kids. Of course, that doesn’t fit in with your view that to be ‘selfless’ you have to have a child, yes?
If I was a mother, who had the baby in my womb for 9 months and 3 months post birth, came to empty home, i would rather die/quit med-dental school.
Sigh. Yes. You would. Others make different choices. That doesn’t make you superior. Or the others the dregs of humanity. Get off that high horse you are riding on.
Just talk to a woman who is trying to have kids for 10+ years and is undergoing trauma of infertility. Or another mother whose child is suffering from terminal illness and ask the mother-father if they are willing to part with baby for one hour, even!!!!
Oh, gosh! This smacks of the ‘think of the starving kids in China’ argument.
Everyone can talk in hypotheticals. The couple who do not have a kid because of infertility? They can’t say what they will do when they have a child, because they don’t have one.
The family that have a kid with terminal illness? Well, I’m sorry to say that hypothetical family will spend many, many hours away from their baby because the baby will be in ICU. And the parents can’t sit there.
Please. Give me a break. Your sanctimony is appalling, your judgement of everyone who does anything different from you is astounding, and your hypocrisy is damning.
Signed: a NRI mother who is raising both her kids in the US without the help of any extended family, or nanny/daycare, and still manages to work – so, literally, fits your definition of a ‘good’ person. But you know what? I don’t give a damn what you think of me. And whether I come back to India or not is no one’s business except mine and my husband’s.
(BR, like Ishwarya, sorry for making this personal. I’ll sign off now, and go look deep into my karmic soul. )
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Di
August 17, 2015
Amen Priyangu 😉
East or West, films are the best 🙂
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Neena
August 17, 2015
Iswarya: ha ha, don’t worry, I’m not exactly pleased that I engaged in this or the way I handled it 😦 It is very unsatisfying, isn’t it, when an internet forum discussion leaves you feeling frustrated and bewildered rather than thoughtful or even angry? My rule has always been that don’t engage if you see something highly outlandish being expressed. Guess one can’t resist a response sometimes.
Di: I did not mean ‘troll’ as a below-the-belt comment. It would explain things if you were deliberately posting comments in order to provoke a discussion. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll)
Madan: yeah, guess I’m partly to blame for taking the bait first 😦 I usually like it how, in this blog, discussions veer off the topic of the review or the article and go to unlikely places. But, this didn’t feel like a discussion.
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Madhu
August 17, 2015
BR, congrats! For the first time (at least in the last 10 months) in one of your hundred-comments thread, you are not the dartboard.
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praneshp
August 17, 2015
Did Ishwarya’s comment that says “Since there’s no way of being so demonstrative online, let me try and point out a couple of things as civilly as I can” break wordpress for any of you? The boxes enclosing comments from the line after that are gone.
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Iswarya
August 17, 2015
Praneshp: Actually I was going to ask that myself. I first thought it was a problem with my browser, but I guess I caused that problem, in a manner of speaking. I had requested BR to fix up my HTML listing and I guess something got derailed there. All the text that followed look a little scrambled in my PC browser but OK on my mobile browser (both Chrome).
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Srinivas R
August 17, 2015
Yes Pranesh , the comments afterwards look a little weird.
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Rahini David
August 17, 2015
BR: The alignment does go haywire after that line ” “Since there’s no way of being so demonstrative online”. Please remove the HTML tags(<p>, </p>, <li>, </li>) in Ishwarya’s comment.
When you are at it, there is a category called “This, That & Everything Else” but this post is listed in 2 new categories “This” and “That & Everything Else”. Please fix that too.
Now the whole “New Age Guru” thingie is not so appetising anymore, isn’t it? 😀
Jokes Apart, I love the “This, That & Everything Else” category with its “Tetchy Thoughts on Time” and the importance of health faucets. But there are others who write well on general topics. Your thoughts on movies (new and old) are something more unique. So please do not dilute the topic range too much.
That said, I would absolutely love it if you would write on related topics like Advertisments, Television Anchoring, etc. As Anuja mentioned an article on Porn Ban would be great.
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Rahini David
August 17, 2015
Gradwolf: “What causes greater discord in your office? You going off on a two-week break? Or the Wi-Fi router breaking down for 15 minutes? See?”
I totally love that line. 😀
You see, loving your job should not include loving the particular company, or position or even technology too much. All these things are pretty volatile in today’s world. We are all replaceable. What most people mean when we say the “loving one’s job” is the satisfaction of seeing a job well done. At least I do.
In BR’s case, we all love his writing to the hilt. This does not mean that the “The Hindu” can not find other movie reviewers at all. Expecting that would be silly. Even “Movie Reviewing” itself is not his only stop, he can move to sports commentary (particularly tennis) if the urge takes him there. Or a painter.
I firmly believe that our happiness should never hinge on how irreplaceable we are.
Madan: Good Luck on your alternate careers. I myself have not thought of any alternate career seriously, with the exception of home-making. Perhaps I will need one. Accountancy Tuitions for number-challenged people may be it. I can dint numbers into any head and ensure decent marks in the exams.
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hari
August 17, 2015
Why US, I know of couples in Chennai have left their kids with grand parents in small town India like Mayiladudhurai etc for the first few years. And these kids have turned up very well. And nobody has any right to judge them. It is their decision.
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hari
August 17, 2015
This articule in linkedin – https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/google-gets-its-new-ceo-thanks-entire-generations-sacrifice-baruah?trk=hp-feed-article-title-like beautifully captures what parents went through. Sending kids to their grand parents is not some slacking off job but rather a huge sacrifice that they had to undergo to build a future for their kids. Respect to parents is the least that we can do. Peace.
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Madan
August 17, 2015
Accountancy Tuitions for number-challenged people may be it.
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Madan
August 17, 2015
Also, I am terrible at maths (though good at arithmetic) so I don’t think being good at accountancy has anything to do with being good at numbers. Actually, it has his own peculiar grammar of what is a debit and what is a credit and what is real, what is nominal blah blah. If one gets to the point where the blah blah no longer sounds like Greek and Latin, then accountancy is pretty simple. Where we CAs check in is more to adjust the timing of recording a transaction depending on the needs of business – compliance or profits or compliance-profit balance :D.
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Rahini David
August 17, 2015
Madan, arithmetic is usually slotted with Mathematics. But as you say it is entirely possible to be good in arthmetic addition, subtraction and bad at Algebra and trigonometry.
I was good at both Mathematics (until +2) and Accountancy (until ug). Not exactly 100% scoring type but then again, who cares?
People who are number challenged (that is bad at Arthmetic) are usually mortally scared of Accountancy too. But as you say, accountancy’s grammar is simplicity itself once you start making sense to the student. And I have helped people in that before. 🙂
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Neena
August 17, 2015
Second Rahini’s comment: unless it is a topic as compelling and as close to BR’s heart as health faucets and bowel movements, his writing on movies and related stuff (music, advertisements) etc are so much better than, to mimic BR, the ‘garden variety’ stuff that he posts on this blog 🙂
So, please, more movies – perhaps a bit on TV shows or actors etc. less other things…
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Di
August 17, 2015
“Sending kids to their grand parents is not some slacking off job but rather a huge sacrifice that they had to undergo to build a future for their kids.”
Hari: Thats what I am saying too. It is a sacrifice. You have to sacrifice love and being with your kid so you can have career/money. Those who leave their high paying jobs to be stay-at-home-mom/dad, are also making sacrifice of money/career for love. A discussion can begin when we acknowledge the truth in its absolute reality instead of justifying our acts. We may not be able to always take right/correct/dharmic decisions in life (a next door neighbor gave me a “why” for aborting her female foetus and it all had justification after all she already had one female child) but we should at least say “Yes, there was a right action but I had to sacrifice the right action so that I could… xyz… reasons”. IT could be money/career, societal pressure and all other reasons. And most of the time to perform dharmic action, there is huge/unsurmountable difficulties or near impossible situations and a need for lot of courage. It could be medical exams or high paying job or what have you and letting all that go is act of courage as well. So our prayers always are take me from asat to sat, from darkness to light. We may not always be able to do the right thing but in acknowledging the truth we grow as a person.
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Srinivas R
August 17, 2015
BR, Here goes a sort of wish list. Apart from your movie reviews, I really love the interviews – Thamarai and Bombay Jayashree being a favorite. I also love the non-movie stuff like your write up on Rubik’s cube or blind chess. It was like a peek into a parallel universe, that I was hardly aware of. I also recently read your piece on a lake front in some place in Europe. That was lovely too. So please keep the posts coming 🙂 A request to do some interviews. I think you are good at asking the right questions to bring out an unknown aspect of a celebrity/art. Interview of behind the scenes people from the film industry like writers (crazy mohan , may be), cameramen, musicians etc, would be very nice.
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Rahini David
August 17, 2015
Di: I too believe parents being there for their children in their formative years is very important. If this is not available, it is better that the parents and grandparents( or any other caregivers) really sat down and discussed the reasons and priorities etc. That said I felt the following things in this discussion.
1) I know of people who sent their children to stylish residential schools just to ensure that the child has better English Accent. I do not believe that accent is everything. But I believe that those parents loved their children and that they trusted the caregivers (nuns, in this case) enough to take decisions like that. I do not believe the parents did a wise thing. But surely a decision based on love.
2) It may well be that many parents did it for physical comfort reasons or financial reasons. If so, it is sad. But let us not say 95% and then angrily revise it to 100% and burn everybody at the stake.
3) When we are at it, let us not say low things about people with May-December romances and use them as proof of a non-well adjusted people. Let us not pass comments on the reproductive age of other women. Do not LOL at them.
4) Let us not put all women who did not achieve maximum results in breast feeding into one gas chamber. I did not breast feed my child. I had my reasons. Firmness of my breasts and monthly salary were not the reasons.
5) A discussion can begin when we acknowledge the truth in its absolute reality instead of justifying our acts.
I can see that you are a religious person, I am not. So we are probably going to differ on this one. Truth is ALWAYS relative. Especially in topics like this, truth is not an absolute reality.
6) Please keep Kaliyuga and Adharma and such words away from secular discussions. It is better to discuss these topics without bringing religious concepts in.
7) Please do not say things like “Anyhow. Close of topic.” in someone else’s blog. BRangan alone has the right to close topics here. If you want, say “That is all I have to say” or some such thing. It is anyway not necessary to say that as you seem readily available for discussion.
8) “Iswara, your name should be changed to something else. lol. Lets see what the real Ishwara did:”
I haven’t a clue about any real Iswaryas (nor do I care). I do know that this was an unnecessarily cheap shot. You may or may not like what Iswarya had to say. This should not have been said.
9) Yes, you really implied that deliberate childlessness is selfishness. Choose adjectives wisely.
10) Not THAT many NRIs are doing this. I know 30-35 NRI families. None of them outsourced. Let us not generalise based on very little sample data.
That is all for now. Peace.
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Madhu
August 17, 2015
Are we making a wish list? Yay! I second everything Srinivas has said. I loved your piece on Thamarai.
Other than those:
I would really love if you could do a piece on old movies which had quite successful run like Chandralekha, Veerathirumagan, Vedhaala ulagam, Kulebagavali, etc. About the humor and the melodrama that was so typical of that era, about those actresses who played heroines for decades (T.R. Rajakumari, G. Varalakshmi) and actually commanded respect for their talent.
A piece on the comediennes who actually did comedy along with their male counterparts – T.N. Maduram, M.Saroja, Madhavi, Manorama, Sachchu
An interview with Kovai Sarala who neither belongs to the above group nor below
An interview with latest comediennes – Aarthi (does she have a wiki page on her, doesn’t seem to), Jangiri Madhumitha, Vidyullekha Raman.
Uhm, that’s all I can think of right now. 😀
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Madan
August 17, 2015
People who are number challenged (that is bad at Arthmetic) are usually mortally scared of Accountancy too.
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Madan
August 17, 2015
We may not always be able to do the right thing but in acknowledging the truth we grow as a person.
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Di
August 17, 2015
@Rahini
Thanks for that input. It is written with lot of wisdom and love. Thanks for that.
1) I wanted to leave the discussion long back but people took objections to that and I am not trying to convince anyone. These are my thoughts and I stand by it.
2) You twisted some of my words (e.g. breastfeeding which was given as an example that grandparents cannot do ‘everything’ that a mom/parent can. I in fact endorse kids raised by grandparents but not physical separation to sending all the back to india and never seeing the child AND then having a second separation from grandparents who is now the real parents. This is IMO a childhood trauma with repercussions. You could read scientific journals and PH.D thesis, you don’t need to be “religious” person for that! Similarly there are other things that are twisted but above is one example I am giving.
3) If a young man marries a 50 year old, (where even the 50 year old and her sister are shocked), there is something of a mom he is looking in wife and its roots in the early parenting/childhood (in this case, the sister of the wife herself told me that the person had royal lineage and was into nanny-daycare-boarding school from infancy). It is definitely not a norm in the society at this point. I was writing with some humor, I am sorry if it hurt feelings.
4) The very definition of truth is that it doesn’t change with age/time (otherwise we may never be reading for instance B.G. which would be dated text). Otherwise it is not truth. I may not be able to accept the truth and therefore I need a sermon or need for that higher authority (a guru or psychiatrist or therapy couch) to guide me so I can “see” what the truth is, to hold the mirror to your “reality”. You may disagree with this but this is what I believe.
5) deliberate childlessness is selfishness viewed by the society possibly but in my opinion it is a far better option then to be biological parents and not have child as priority in your life.
6) you know 30-40 familiy but I know of over 150 families in my local area alone. And people may come up with a logical reasons of all sorts, but the bottom line is that there is economics involved. The families that didn’t send either had deceased parents or parents who were invalid. And yes, there is a sort of herd instinct. Once a person buys a motel and is successful, then EVERYONE starts using that as example and buys one (and this is a fact), nothing wrong in it, following a successful business model but that does speak a bit about your creativity and lack of innovative spirit, no? Outsourcing parenting is successful phenomenon and here to stay just as motel ownership is.
P.S: “I know of people who sent their children to stylish residential schools just to ensure that the child has better English Accent”
Korean parents in huge number, chop the portion that attaches upper lip to the mouth in the idea that it will make their child accent free and it would be easy for them to speak in propah english. Does that make it a right action because it is done for the love of the child and desire OF the parent that child speak good/proper english?!?!?. Please think about it.
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Di
August 17, 2015
@Rahini: I love my child, so much, so much that I am sending her/him away to India. (and bring it back exactly when she/he is of age where they can go to free govt school at age 4/5). If you truely had reasons that you couldn’t do it (medical school or what not) and if you truly were guided by love, then that love should enable you to leave the child back there with grandparents and not want to bring it back at age 4-5 and traumatise him/her again. THey say that if slaughter houses had glass windows, people would become vegetarian. I say that go to airport and watch the parting scenarios. Both the times. At 3 months and then again at indian airport at age 4 when you are wrenching the baby back from loving arms of grandparents. If it is not heart breaking, nerve wrecking… then i have nothing else to say to anyone.
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Rahini David
August 17, 2015
Di: Korean parents in huge number, chop the portion that attaches upper lip to the mouth in the idea that it will make their child accent free and it would be easy for them to speak in propah english.
Please give me links for this. I was not able to find any.
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Aseema
August 17, 2015
To add to Srinivas R/Madhu’s wishlist: I would really like to see a BR style interview of one or more of the “fans” who make sure that the Vaalus and the VSOPs succeed in the box office.
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chottesaab
August 18, 2015
“Korean parents in huge number, chop the portion that attaches upper lip to the mouth in the idea that it will make their child accent free and it would be easy for them to speak in propah english. Does that make it a right action because it is done for the love of the child and desire OF the parent that child speak good/proper english?!?!?. Please think about it.”
So do they do this at home with any blade or instrument they find ? or is it done in an oral surgery or dental office setting with local anesthesia, or even better with laser and minimal local anesthesia. I believe the procedure you are talking about is Labial Frenectomy and is a very common procedure in kids. To put it in perspective, Lingual Frenectomy is a similar procedure done to release the muscle attachment of the underside of the tongue to the inside of the lower jaw (commonly known as tongue tie). As you can imagine, releasing the tied tongue helps with speech and jaw development – again a common procedure sometimes done on fairly newly born child.
My point is, if done unsupervised , yes, not a right action. But If done under proper medical/dental recommendation and supervision, then it is perfectly fine.
Plus, I wanted to show off my dental expertise like all the writers, IT professionals, engineers… I might not get an opportunity, like ever again, on BR’s blog !
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praneshp
August 18, 2015
@Di: my mom cried her eyes out when I left for higher studies. I’m fairly sure that was not a one-off, several moms feel that way. It was, to quote you, “heart breaking, nerve wrecking……” What should I advice juniors? Don’t go anywhere you can’t return back to your mom at 8 PM? If you are truly guided by love (college and what not), then that love would enable you to stay at home and still be a good engineer.
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Prasad
August 18, 2015
There are lot of Point of views shared in this blog about Parenting/Work life balance and as everybody says it differs from person to person and there’s no silver bullet to these issues.
There are many pros/cons for each and every alternative suggested and there is no point is debating on that also. My Definition of work life balance is ” if you’re able to spend atleast 30 mins per day for yourself ONLY Yourself either relaxing not thinking of your Child’s Project/Worksheets or Job that’s enough” . Movies , Books and Music have this magical ability to transport you to a different world. Currently I thank vince gilligan (as am watching “Breaking Bad”…….) for giving me that 45 mins daily which makes me forget everything else.
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Iswarya
August 18, 2015
Rahini: Just one word. Thanks. 🙂
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praneshp
August 18, 2015
@Prasad: You’re able to stop at one episode a day? Hats off!
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Prasad
August 18, 2015
@Praneshp
Yes. The show is definitely addictive and we do watch continuous couple of shows in weekend but in week days getting that 45 mins daily IS actually challenging.
On second thought, Lot of things are being discussed in this blog but not sure I read any comments on our education system especially in India. The way Schools give difficult Projects to “kids” and eventually parents end up doing that, and the surprise tests/ worksheets for even 3rd and 4th graders. Kids being asked to do pages and pages of Abacus problems… this definitely has an effect on the work life balance for Parents. Somehow the “fun” element is cut off from kids at a very younger age.
Again this is purely based on my personal experience if anybody has different thoughts it’s perfectly fine.
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Madan
August 18, 2015
THey say that if slaughter houses had glass windows, people would become vegetarian.
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aparna
August 18, 2015
@Di
I belong to that group of medical / dental parents who left their baby in the care of its grandparents for a short period for the sake of their career. During my mbbs I had always been ambitious and wanted an MD and even a DM. Waiting to get married until I completed all that would have meant waiting till I was over thirty and my family was too conservative to allow me to get away with that. So I got married during my house surgency. Luckily my husband and his family (I live with his parents) were supportive. And when I managed to get a government MD seat in a nearby state in the All India quota, they were all for my pursuing it. Now again, waiting to have my first baby until I came back home would have been a good option but both my family and my husband’s were worried because some of our close relations had infertility problems. They (and the two of us) did not want us to wait until my MD was over by which time it would be six years into my marriage. Both my mom and my mom in law assured me of all support were I ever to have baby. And my first baby was born in my first year. My mom in law and mom (both lovely, intelligent graduates who had chosen to be efficient home makers) stayed with me taking monthly turns to take care of him (with the help of a full time maid) and I breast fed him for one year (freezing my expressed breast milk in the frig and feeding him when I had night duty). After his first birthday, I still had one more year to go. Due to some problems at home, it became difficult for both my moms to stay with us. I could have continued to stay with him and the paid help but all of us had reservations about leaving such a small baby in the care of a relative stranger during my hectic course. We all sat together, discussed our options and decided that having him in the care of his grand parents would be the lesser of the evils. So they took him home and I completed my MD. That remains one of the most heart wrenching experiences I had to go through. I’d go to see him most weekends. When I came back to him after my PG, it was also a bit of a heartbreak to see that I had been displaced from being the centre of his universe. I took a break of one year to be a full-time mom, to rebond with him and assuage my guilt a little.
I’m a pediatrician and was it wrong of me to put my baby through separation anxiety? Most definitely, yes.
Did it hurt him in the long run? I honestly feel the answer is a No. He’s the most loving amongst his cousins, the most bonded with his grandparents and their favourite grandchild. He is as well adjusted and sweet a son as we could ever wish for.
Would I do it again? Given the same situation, yes.
Perhaps it is difficult for any person to balance their family, their motherhood and their career without some compromises. I am at peace with mine. For all that, while the person I had been during mbbs had wanted another further three years of study to become a pediatric neurologist, being a mother changed me. And going through that separation, softened my ambition. I remain happy in my decision to forfeit further separations and further studies.
I dislike confrontations on the net and am a little shy about baring myself amongst strangers which is why I was keeping silent till now. But I wanted to try and explain that its not always black and white and give you a glimpse into my particular shade of gray. I am also certain that every single couple that you know who had to do a similar thing, have their own.
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Di
August 18, 2015
@Dr Aparna: ” But I wanted to try and explain that its not always black and white and give you a glimpse into my particular shade of gray.”
Thank you for that most honest and moving post. My whole working life and experiences are in USA and my whole work-life and outsourcing baby experience was about the particular set of NRI parents and that alone. There are various sets of grey e.g. the concept of daycare may not even be present in India even now especially in satellite cities, however in USA, desi parents (those who do take the step of sending kid to India) do it for economic reasons. The most inexpensive childcare runs up to $1K (rs 65000) per month, which is $12K per annum and can be up $60K+ till child is ready for school (not factoring in diapers, baby formula, clothes etc which is close to high way robbbery here). You could easily buy an apartment in India with all that money. I have absolutely NO issues (to each his/her own) but for the lack of honesty in saying the (economic) truth behind the motivation and to say its not a big deal in the child’s psche, doesn’t make difference to the baby etc etc. There should be some moral/ethical integrity. If day-cares were free, would anyone send them away to far off land to India?
On that note: the west may have invented materialism but desis have perfected it here. Do read a book “into the wild” and do see what a case of constantly working parents do to a child!
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Di
August 18, 2015
@Rahini: here you go. http://articles.latimes.com/2004/jan/18/news/adfg-tongue18
My memory was vague. IT is not upper lip but tongue to the lower area… anyhow… the point I was making…
S. Koreans Accent Surgery in Bid for Flawless English
“SEOUL — South Korean mothers know few bounds in trying to give their kids a leg up in speaking English. They play them nursery rhymes in the womb, hire pricey tutors for toddlers, send preschoolers to America to pick up the accent.
But now they’re even turning to surgery to sort out misplaced L and R sounds, underscoring the dark side of the crushing social pressures involved in getting a highly competitive society in shape for a globalized world.
The surgery involves snipping the thin tissue under the tongue to make it longer and supposedly nimbler. The government is so dismayed that its National Human Rights Commission has made a movie to scare the public into ceasing the practice.
It shows a young mother, obsessed with her son’s pronunciation at the kindergarten’s all-English Christmas play, rushing him to the clinic for a quick fix. The boy screams as the mother and nurses hold him down, the mother insisting: “It’s all for his future.”
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Di
August 18, 2015
@Madan: I believe it was one of the beatles. Anyhow, I was making a larger point.
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Madan
August 18, 2015
Dear God! Perhaps that is par for the course for the guy who married and got cheated by Heather Mills. Well, good on you, at least you have illustrious company in misguided veganism.
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e221
January 19, 2019
This Article was one for Ages!! Thank you BR!.Helps me to set the mode and pace for rest of the year 2019
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brangan
January 19, 2019
e221: Oh wow. The things people dig up. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
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Voldemort
January 19, 2019
Thank you e221 for commenting on this post and making me discover it! It’s pure gold!
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