Spoilers ahead…
Why is Madhur Bhandarkar still making movies? This is not a question about craft, for it is evident that the word means to him something that flies in the sky or sails in the sea. This is more about his interest in exposing the seamy underbelly of dance bars, jails, the fashion industry, Bollywood, and so forth. Heck, give this man a camera and slip him into Sabarmati Ashram, and he’ll find something there – probably that a limp-wristed male employee is blackmailing Page 3 socialites caught doing it in the charkha room. Bhandarkar’s hysterical sensibility is made for television news. With his ceaseless preoccupation with what the nation apparently wants to know, he’d out-Arnab Arnab. So, again, why is he still making movies? His reply, courtesy a recent interview: “I feel when people can read about it, can gossip in corridors, can see it on TV sometimes, why can’t they see it as a film?” And so we have his latest exposure of female flesh exposé, Calendar Girls, a film that comes with the backing of a ‘lingerie partner.’
Calendar Girls is the story of five… uh, calendar girls. (In a Bhandarkar movie, what you see in the title is what you get.) One of them is from Kolkata. Her name is Paroma. Her boyfriend’s name is Pinaki. We see them eating puchkas and strolling around puja pandals. Bhandarkar lives in his own world – he’d have to, otherwise he’d watch his films and renounce this one – so the idea of a city being populated by multiple ethnic types completely eludes him. What if the Kolkotan went by the name Sharon Pinto? Or Mayuri Chauhan? Ah, but then Bhandarkar would have to think up a new name for the Goan girl and the girl from Rohtak. I clutched my armrests and braced myself for the inevitable South Indian, who’d no doubt be called Soundaravalli Subramaniam, and be seen ladling sambar on her plate of idlis. Surprise! The girl is from Hyderabad. And she’s called Nandita… Menon. And she addresses her friend as akka, which is Tamil for sister. Has Bhandarkar, finally, discovered multiculturalism? Nah. He probably just gave himself a crash course on South India by watching Chennai Express.
These girls leave their respective cities and land up in Dante’s ninth circle of Hell Mumbai. We expect the film to delve seriously into the world of, um, calendar shooting – the fashioning of those bras, for instance, and the intricacies of engineering that keep them in place. But no. The calendar shoot itself is quickly dispensed with over the course of a song, so that Bhandarkar can get to what really interests him: the continuation of his thesis that where there is an apple, Eve will bite. One of the girls becomes a high-priced escort. Another girl begins to seduce cricketers and fix matches. A third finds herself married to a tycoon who cheats on her. The only one who manages some fun is the girl who becomes an actress. In the film’s best scene – though that’s really not saying much – she accepts a fat fee to attend a funeral. I wanted to see more of her and her secretary, but halfway into the shoot, Bhandarkar probably decided to develop that subplot into a future film: Starlet.
Calendar Girls, in all respects, is root-canal painful. The acting is mostly terrible, but I wouldn’t blame the girls (Akanksha Puri, Avani Modi, Kyra Dutt, Ruhi Singh, Satarupa Pyne). The pacing of scenes brings to mind a goldfish gasping for air. (See the conversation between two girls getting a massage to know what I mean. It’s as if they shot the rehearsal and forgot to shoot the actual take.) One of the girls has the good fortune to come under a speeding car. As for the others, they soldier on through further indignities – bad lines, bad makeup, bad clothes. And bad co-stars. At some point, the film gets all meta on us by having Madhur Bhandarkar appear as himself. He sings his praises without a hint of self-awareness, without an iota of shame. I finally understood why his films don’t have comedy tracks. His delusions inspire more laughs than anything he could dream up.
KEY:
Copyright ©2015 Baradwaj Rangan. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
Ravi K
September 25, 2015
“The girl is from Hyderabad. And she’s called Nandita… Menon. And she addresses her friend as akka, which is Tamil for sister.”
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Ram Murali
September 25, 2015
Wow! That was one hell of a scathing review! It looks like Bhandarkar has completely lost the honesty and sincerity that characterized his “Chandni Bar.” Have you seen that movie? Tabu was splendid in that one. The climax had one of the most poignant lines that I’ve heard of kids affected by the mistakes of their parents. (“In my children, I wanted to see my future; instead, I see my past.”) But barring “Page 3” and parts of “Fashion,” he has gone into free fall.
But beware of him, BR. If he reads this review, his next target could be….film critics! “Ink Talwaar”-nu oru padam eduthaalum edupaaru! The protagonist might work for a paper named “The Buddha.” (Avar thaan romba clever aachey!)
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olemisstarana
September 25, 2015
@Ram Murali: Hahaha! I’d DEFINITELY watch that, and that’s saying a lot. I get increasingly creative reaching for language that would describe what I’d be doing rather than watching a Bhandarkar movie. Think rack, pulled toenails, eating nattō, hanging out with Kim Davis etc. (Sorry BR, consider these movies the world righting itself. For every Court there’s Calendar Girls for you to review.) (Also, you are always good, but this is rare form. Thanks. I’ll try not wishing more bad movies on you.)
About Chandni Bar, I have this theory that he was temporarily possessed by the ghost of a competent film maker. Maybe he had a head injury after the movie that forces him to see things in 2D, like color blindness. Or that an incandescently talented actress inspired a real movie out of him. I loved that movie too. What a pity… that he were only lucky enough to see his own past in his future… work, i.e.
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Ananth
September 25, 2015
That is great! It looks like you enjoy the bad movies more than the good ones. Does the worst brings out the best in a critic? Or is that masochism?
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MANK
September 25, 2015
Why is Madhur Bhandarkar still making movies?,
Brangan, in the recent interview with Rajeev Masand, Bhandarkar called this kind of Expose cinema, his trademark, his space – like the lost and found formula was for Manmohan desai. He just doesn’t believe that his films are exploitative, but just a slice of life. now try arguing with that?
oh BTW, Aren’t there any gay stereotypes – oops- characters this time? or has he spared them for once?
Ram Murali, Bhandarkar’s next is about politics and is called madamji. now that sounds hot and piping. Yeah, but at the rate which he is going, a film about film critics is not far away.
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Anu Warrier
September 25, 2015
I’ll echo you – why is Madhur Bhandarkar still making movies? And who, honestly, goes to see them? My problem with him runs deeper than the kind of films he makes – that, I can avoid. (I used to say, there were some directors whose films I would watch, solely on the basis of their names; I don’t care who stars in them. Madhur Bhandarkar falls into the category of directors whose films I will not watch, based on their names.)
It is the sheer hypocrisy of the man. He points out the exploitation of women in disparate industries – by exploiting them himself.
@Ram Murali – Good warning to BR there. 🙂
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Nitin
September 26, 2015
ROFL! Just for this review, I guess we need to thank Bhandarkar for making this movie!
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udhaysankar
September 26, 2015
“akka” is “akka” in telugu too… 🙂 ..
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Santosh Kumar T K
September 26, 2015
akka is sister (elder) in Telugu too!
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Santosh Kumar T K
September 26, 2015
to be fair to madhur bhandarkar and the likes, BR, i think they are all aware of the reality. this is not to condone the atrocious crap they dole out but the market/economics doesn’t allow them to do anything different if they have to survive. if you are branded, you are branded!
i’m sure they go into making these movies knowing very well where they will work, who their targets are, and which critic will say exactly what.
so whether it is ram gopal varma, madhur bhandarkar, karan johar, the “carpe diem/do what your keswani-dadlani-sidhwani-khilnani heart says” family, ashutosh gowariker, any god damn guy who wants to be able to make a movie in 2015, they are correspond to different shades of the survival spectrum. there is no escaping this.
they do want to do different stuff and god forbid they produce turkeys, then it is back to square one: do what made them famous in the first place.
so the days of a Dil Chahta Hai, a Company, a Chandni Bar, a Swades are all over.
even the “so called” kings of the fringe (kashyap/banerjee/motwane/bahl/raghavan) will be forced to make movies — ironically — what they are already known for. an anurag kashyap won’t be allowed to make a KKKG if he so wishes to, and a farah khan won’t have a chance in hell to sober up.
(my only hopes are hinged on shimit amin – jaideep sahni, and i don’t mind any length of time he takes to make that next awesome shimit amin cinema.
aah yes, vishal bhardwaj too!)
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mohit
September 26, 2015
BR jee,
I was hoping that you’d review Welcome Back. Why didn’t you review Welcome Back? Please review Welcome Back if it’s still playing in theatres; if it isn’t, then after DVD release.
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KayKay
September 26, 2015
“Exposure of female flesh”, “One works as an escort”, “Conversations between 2 girls getting a massage”
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sanjana
September 26, 2015
Even in Kannada Akka means sister. Akka Thangi. Elder sister, younger sister.
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Madan
September 26, 2015
Heck, give this man a camera and slip him into Sabarmati Ashram, and he’ll find something there
I would appreciate some feedback from anybody on this ‘forum’ about The Intern. The Indian reviews are scathing while the reviews from America/Britain seem to be more mixed with some suggesting it’s basically the kind of film that’s not made anymore (which is not necessarily a bad thing). Thinking of taking the wife to see the film so just want to know if it’s ‘good, clean fun’ or if it’s just plain boring and nothing I would miss.
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venkatesh
September 26, 2015
I have no problems with Exploitative cinema , in fact some of the most fun times are had at the altar of the proper pulpy exploitation movies.
What i hate about MB is his sanctimonious tone and the holier than thou attitude. he comes across as a twat in his interviews as well.
@Madan: Go for the film, it has Anne Hathaway and Renne Russo.
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brangan
September 26, 2015
Ram Murali: I doubt I’m famous enough to become a target in his next film, but yes, will keep an eye out for a bald writer with a penchant for polysyllables 🙂
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Madan
September 26, 2015
Thanks, Venkatesh. Have liked Anne Hathaway in Prada/Les Miserables so will just go with my gut, I guess.
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xoxo
September 26, 2015
Double sided adhesive tape, hairspray and a prayer :p that’s how, brang.
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Anu Warrier
September 26, 2015
Actually, BR, you could have ended the review with ‘Calendar Girls… Bleurgh!’
That really sums it up, doesn’t it? 🙂
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Amit Joki
September 26, 2015
Hey, slightly offtopic, but, I often see a user named “KayKay”. On the other day, I saw the name in the credits of Aadukalam.
Is he/she who’s been mentioned in credits?
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Rahul
September 27, 2015
Akka is an open-source toolkit and runtime simplifying the construction of concurrent and distributed applications on the JVM. Akka supports multiple programming models for concurrency, but it emphasizes actor-based concurrency, with inspiration drawn from Erlang.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akka_(toolkit)
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