What some of us are feeling now, it’s vague, hard to put into words. And at least part of it is a little existential. Why were we spared? You don’t think this when you hear of shootings in America or earthquakes in Nepal. You register the horror, and do what you can – sign a petition, write a cheque – and you move on. But this thing, it happened in our backyard. It could have been us. And while we still think we need to move on, there’s a little PTSD mixed in with all of it, which no amount of volunteering and cheque-writing and petition-signing can fix. America and Nepal aren’t home. Chennai is. And when we are attacked in our own homes – and when we know there’s nothing we can do about it – something’s going to get out of whack. It’s like being that one student who survives one of those American school shootings. In some corner of the brain, the bullets are still zinging around.
I’m trying not to make too big a deal about this. Because in some ways, I have moved on. There was a family celebration recently, a zero-number birthday, and we went out, had dinner at a nice place. The money I spent, I didn’t feel… guilty about it, exactly. After all, some of my money has found its way to relief organisations. And we can’t stop living, right? Life goes on, right? But when I handed over my credit card, I felt weird. I think I understood – rather, felt – for the first time what Siddhartha must have felt when he stepped out of the palace and saw people who did not have the privileges he did. Again, I’m trying not to make too big a deal about this – but these are big thoughts, big emotions. About, through some freakishly random accident, being born into a certain kind of family, having all kinds of opportunities, having the freedom to chuck a phenomenally well-paying job and pursue a maybe-it’ll-work career in another field, now living in a flat in a high-lying area that floodwaters couldn’t reach – all of which led to this evening where I’m taking a casual look at the bill and handing out my credit card. Maybe people who believe in that God chappie have an easier time processing these things? After all, it’s someone else’s doing, we are but limply dangling puppets, et cetera.
Another part of this vagueness, this itch that cannot be scratched, is more concrete – it’s about how we have to take care of ourselves because our elected representatives aren’t going to do it for us. As much as my heart filled with warmth on seeing us take it upon ourselves to wade in and help out, it was chilling to realise that we had to do this in the first place, that there are no systems in place, that water from reservoirs can be released at random, that you can see your life being washed away even if you’re not living in a makeshift slum, even if your walls are made of water-resistant concrete. The tsunami of a decade ago was easier to grapple with. There was an earthquake in the Indian Ocean, the third-largest earthquake ever recorded on a seismograph. It triggered other earthquakes, in places as far away as Alaska. There’s nothing anyone could have done. Causes this cosmic are somehow easier to come to terms with than drains that weren’t desilted, houses that were built where they shouldn’t have been built. These are things we could have, should have, done something about. As always, the price is being paid by people who weren’t even shopping.
So though we’ve begun to eat out and watch movies and take vacations and post smiling selfies on Facebook again, some of us are going to have to do something about this vague feeling. Maybe it will pass. Maybe we’ll get busy with work again and, with time, get over it. But maybe this feeling will persist, and we’ll have to do something about it, not just caring about those around us – the domestic help, the auto driver, the watchman – who we’ve always cared about, but doing something for the city at large. Maybe we’ll finally learn to say no to plastic bags. Maybe we’ll consume less, maybe the slatted mango-wood chair that we just had to have will not prove so indispensable anymore. It’s hard to say now how and when (and if) things will begin looking the way they used to – I said I wouldn’t make too big a deal about this, and I think I already have. But then, this is something new some of us are feeling, some version of survivor’s guilt, and maybe it’s worth making at least a small deal about.
An edited version of this piece can be found here. Copyright ©2015 The Hindu. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
Iswarya
December 14, 2015
Believe it or not, the first comment I wanted to type in soon after your Carnatic pro-con piece was, “Are you grappling with some kind of survivor-guilt?” But I somehow decided that it would sound rude and left it at that. (and yes, laziness too!) And now, you’ve said it yourself!
And that plastic idea resonates so much with me. In fact, in the middle of these rains, when I had to wade through waist deep water in Ashok Nagar to buy loaves of bread for myself and a family of relatives that was temporarily sheltering me, I came back after a clumsy fall in the water close to a blocked storm drain and launched into a jeremiad after reaching home about the hazards of unthinking polyethene (ab)use! The family, of course, thought I’d become hopping mad after that fall and asked me to have my head examined. I’m so, so disturbed by the fact that the ingrained religious fatalism of some of these people just lets them shut their eyes to our own monstrous lack of responsibility!
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Di
December 14, 2015
“– it’s about how we have to take care of ourselves because our elected representatives aren’t going to do it for us.”
They are our employees, the elected. Never forget that. SO people of Chennai can vote and change those in power.
On rest of the article: thank god, you didn’t make “thinking of relocating elsewhere, safer” argument that a celeb made recently 😉
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sanjana
December 14, 2015
But we know in our hearts, that it is a waiting game. Today we are spared. But what about the uncertainty of tomorrow? Others will be reading about us and feeling sorry for us.
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Shankz
December 14, 2015
The agony most of the Chennaites went thru in the past 3 weeks beautifully put. God forbid, this is the last time some thing like this happens in Chennai. Having studied and lived there for a while, i can understand the pain each one of the affected must have gone thru. Amen!!
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Oliver
December 14, 2015
I was not in Chennai and was not directly affected by the floods. I have friends and relatives there, In spite of doing little bit, I had this feeling of “could I have done more to help? “. I can understand how you would have felt being there. It hits us hard when it happens closer to places we can emotionally connect to.
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Ram Murali
December 14, 2015
I loved your post, not just for the content but also the intent. It was nice that you expressed a version of survivor guilt, something that you may not have had completely fleshed out thoughts about. I don’t know if you felt this way but by the time your write-up ended, you sounded a little relieved that you had gotten this out of your system
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Enna_koduka_sir_pera
December 14, 2015
“But when I handed over my credit card, I felt weird. I think I understood – rather, felt – for the first time what Siddhartha must have felt when he stepped out of the palace and saw people who did not have the privileges he did. …through some freakishly random accident, being born into a certain kind of family, having all kinds of opportunities…. ”
“..it’s about how we have to take care of ourselves because our elected representatives aren’t going to do it for us”
Firstly, how do you always put the thoughts so clearly on paper, ones that I can’t even explain to myself properly when I think of them.
Secondly, now that you have put these on paper, I can definitively say that these two have been my thoughts as well for the past few days.
The first thought has been gnawing at me since my childhood. I have sensed a guilt factor in me when I see that I was born with all sorts of opportunities and privileges, that many don’t have. What am I supposed to do in this scenario? Do I work towards rectifying this divide in the society? Or is this all an illusion – each person is happy in their own life and these opportunities/money is all an additional aspect that does not contribute much to one’s happiness – and so i should just go on with my life?
The second thought is a more recent one. The number of volunteers, mostly youth, who came out after the floods was so heartening to see and kindled in me this question. What if the youth, who clearly love their city and its people and have kindness in them, take over the administration, enter politics and work towards creating an equal society. I would love to see that happen and be a part of it.
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Jyoti
December 15, 2015
But this thing, it happened in our backyard.
This was the exact sentiment that was echoing in our minds throughout the entire (for the lack of a better word) incident. Even though we r continents away, “namma chennayilaya” was the most dominating thought, while we were frantically trying to reach our old neighbours and friends. I just can’t imagine how families with small kids and elder people managed those disastrous days…
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Anu Warrier
December 15, 2015
I lived in Chennai (then Madras) for seven years. After we did our moving around, life came full circle and first real job was in Chennai (Madras) again. I watched the events unfold on television – while I wasn’t personally affected, my family was, my friends were. And after the initial checking to see if they were okay, it hit me that they were the fortunate ones, even if they didn’t have power, and even if some of them had relocated to the upper story of their houses because the ground floor was flooded.
I did my bit – wrote a cheque out for the relief fund – but there was a nagging sense of guilt. Life was going on as usual for us in the neighbouring state, and that seemed unfair. Especially so, since my father was bred and buttered in Madras – school, then Loyola, then Guindy College of Engineering. Besant Nagar, Anna Nagar, Meenambakkam, Nungambakkam, Egmore… all names I’d grown up hearing. Some, places that I’d lived in myself.
So, yes. I can empathise with your feelings. Even though I was far away, safe and dry, and you were right there – amidst all the turmoil. And I can feel as guilty – while I do my bit, could I do more? Could we all do more?
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Jeeva
December 15, 2015
This may look like a political companion piece to your article, from my blog.
http://theblurringline.blogspot.in/2015/12/vote-for-amma-instead-if-you-want-to.html?m=1
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sravishanker1401gmailcom
December 15, 2015
Dear BR This piece really strikes a chord. and is up there with your best. I was discussing this with my sister and she said that it is all so surreal. A part of us is still trying to come to terms wit the fact that this actually happened. And no amount of wealth would have saved us. The image of AC Muthiah being transported on a relief boat says it all. An affluent old couple I know were returning from Bangalore on their Innova and were suddenly engulfed in water thanks to the Chembarambakkam fiasco. Looks like we are doomed to undergo more of this as all the illegal and unplanned constructions (obstructions ??) on water bodies will not recede. Life will go on till another calamity worse than this one…
best Ravishanker
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Rahini David
December 15, 2015
I have a very weird feeling going on. I don’t seem to have changed as much from the antediluvian days. I know it is wrong but, I keep feeling a sort of “Did you all not notice all this before?” feeling. But then again I was feeling the same thing post the Nirbaya incident a few years back. I kept wondering silently how many people had not realised until that incident that women live amongst many wolves really.
I am not sure if even the Tsunami evoked this strong a reaction amongst us. It it because of social media? After all, Tsunami happened in our backyard too. Seeing more photos, hearing more personalised stories seem to have triggered the collective conscience more. And even more for Chennaites, that time when lack of electricity and network connection forced us to stop thinking of a our daily office work and kids homework helped a lot. As we could not think of the next deadline and the next unit test for sometime, we are thinking of the poor. I felt extremely helpless during the floods in certain ways. I kept wondering if I had not been married and had no child, would I have been a better citizen and done more for the poor? Would I have done more if I was amongst people who did these stuff? etc.
As children, we have all often asked this questions at least to ourselves. Why did it take so long for Sidhartha to realise that old age, sickness and death existed. Do not we know about these things even as young children? But only sometimes we are in a position that these realisations wash through us.
I personally do not believe that we are suddenly going to wash the government with our new found unity. But maybe if we start taking the plight of the poor in our day to day existence, we do have hope.
P.S. Maybe people who believe in that God chappie have an easier time processing these things?
Quite possible. I have been following this blog for 6+ years probably and this is the first time I find a frankly atheistic line in your work. I always suspected it. But only because of more subtle hints. Not that it matters. But it makes me mighty pleased.
P.P.S. Knowing that a particular feeling has a name/label often helps people to deal with stuff better. “Survivor’s Guilt” in this case. But why?
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brangan
December 15, 2015
Via email…
Ambi: Respected Sir, Read your article “After the waters recede”..
One particular sentence is ” than drains that weren’t desilted, houses that were built where they shouldn’t have been built. These are things we could have, should have, done something about”
This is where I think people should engage with their local ward routinely and proactively to get those desilting other civic work done.
People need to monitor the functioning of the councillors and MLAs in their local wards on a regular basis just like how they will monitor the functioning of a maid servant in their home.
People pay the tax and expect the system to perform and hence they need to continuously engage and monitor and get that work done.
The more the people monitor the work of the Govt. in their local ward the less the corruption will be in their ward.
Probably people should take up activities promoted by this NGO organization called http://www.janaagraha.org/ which is working on creating active citizens in India who will improve the democracy of the country.
It is also about creating leaders.
Here are the speeches of the founder. Ramesh Ramanathan, MBA (Yale University, USA) who has been driving this for the last 15 years in India.
His organization has several initiatives including Bala Janaagraha.
There are success stories starting to happen.
Please see if we can educate the youth as well so that they can also engage.
Just like how people feel together when they build a temple of a community, they will feel together when they build the society via these initiatives.
I can call and talk to you if you are interested in understanding more of this.
Can we promote these to the rest of Tamil Nadu and get people to engage before Republic Day in Jan 26 and that way of active citizenship, they can celebrate the democracy?
thanks
ambi
other initiatives of Janaagraha.
http://www.janaagraha.org/bala-janaagraha/
http://www.ichangemycity.com/
http://ipaidabribe.com/#gsc.tab=0
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Reuben
December 15, 2015
“Maybe people who believe in that God chappie have an easier time processing these things? After all, it’s someone else’s doing, we are but limply dangling puppets, et cetera”.
Loved that line because I know how it feels sometimes when you no longer have the supernatural crutches for support.
Any way, God or not, we are still marionettes in a certain way.
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brangan
December 15, 2015
Rahini David: Stop twisting my words. 🙂 Maybe I’m including myself in the people who believe in… you know. 🙂
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Madan
December 15, 2015
it’s about how we have to take care of ourselves because our elected representatives aren’t going to do it for us
Then again, when Mumbai received extremely heavy rains on two days of June (almost the only days when it REALLY rained, Mumbai style this monsoon!) and left most of central Mumbai submerged, people expressed outrage a la “I am mad as hell and can’t take it anymore”. Yeah, colour me cynical but I can guess how this will pan out. Same story will repeat next year and the year after. To paraphrase RR Patil’s glib excuse after 26/11, bade bade shehron mein chhote chhote cheej hote rehte hain.
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venkatesh
December 16, 2015
Survivor’s guilt while all well and good does not last.
All we can hope for is next year the rains are not as ferocious, nothing will change, it’s India.
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Ananth
December 16, 2015
Oh. It is so unlike you… I have been reading you for so many years now. And this is the first time, i feel, you lost your way with the words. So unlike like you. Your style of writing – was that affected by emotions? Quite an interesting piece.
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ninjatalli
December 16, 2015
Reblogged this on Blah… Blah… Blah… and commented:
The guilt feeling that one (should, atleast subconsiously) has when s/he contributes to the bigger mess – buying that flat in an occupied area at a cheaper rate, misuse of plastics without a concern, wasting water and other resources and so on.
Baradwaj tries to put it out in his words – do give it a thought!
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Venkatesh
December 18, 2015
As someone who witnessed (and partly experienced) the recent floods and the one that affected the city exactly a decade back (although not as worse as the recent one), I can say the elected officials of the city never learnt how to manage water during critical times. Although NASA claimed this year’s rainfall was the heaviest in the city since 1901, there weren’t floods anytime during the past hundred years? Recently came across this:
http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/chennai/floods-in-madras-over-years/article7964078.ece,
where it says ‘The 1985 floods bear a semblance to this year’s fury’. It was said that even MGR, then CM, had to shift to Connemara. And this was just 30 years ago!
I personally feel the effects of the recent floods comfortably overshadowed the 2004 tsunami’s, thanks to the age of social media! The worrying factor here was some people who posed themselves as ‘relief workers’ were doing the measures as a publicity stunt. My FB feed was flooded with their selfies and photographs depicting their charitable acts in no time. Of course, social media did play a fine part, but this attitude is worse than that of the sticker boys‘!
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luvsuksam
December 18, 2015
Survivors’ Guilt? Collective guilt perhaps, for failing in collective responsibility-that of questioning the civic administration for not maintaining storm water drains,the ruling government and its predecessors for lack of governance, infrastructure and crisis management .
Instead of feeling guilty in retrospect, it’ll help if every one of us do our duty – whatever that is – without fear or favour-and with a sense of responsibility towards our environment. Just imagine if corporation workers collected the garbage from the roads every day and we citizens made it a habit not to litter everywhere, how beautiful Chennai or any city for that matter would be!
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vijay
December 18, 2015
“ Maybe we’ll finally learn to say no to plastic bags. Maybe we’ll consume less, maybe the slatted mango-wood chair that we just had to have will not prove so indispensable anymore. ‘
and maybe, just maybe, we’ll finally go out and vote (out those Dravidian parties), while still accepting all the bribes they are going to dole out in a few months
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Rahini David
December 4, 2023
Ah, the nostalgia.
Hard to believe it has been 8 years.
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