“Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3 / Mastizaade”… Sophomoric smut

Spoilers ahead…

The Kya Kool Hain Hum movies pride themselves on their wit – all fifty per cent of it. (You can imagine the writing team in T-shirts that say “The penis mightier than the sword.”) So in the manner of the Hindi film hero who puts up with whiplashes because Nirupa Roy is tied to a pillar, we grimace and take it on the chin when Rocky (Aftab Shivdasani) tells Kanhaiya (Tusshar Kapoor) that a pal has offered them employment. “Bangkok jaakar use handjob de.” Kanhaiya is shocked. Rocky explains, “Matlab uske job mein use hand de.” It’s line after flaccid line like this. So I was mildly intrigued when the possibility of a comedic situation came about, as Rocky watches porn on his laptop. It’s a site that hosts “hot” versions of desi films, like the story of a runner who’s having problems with his baton. The title: Jaag Rambo Jaag. (In case you still need a hint, in this universe, he’d be nicknamed the Flying Hand Sikh.) Soon, a scientist attempts to fix the athlete’s problem with Censor Board-approved lesbian action. Results are achieved. A long rope attached to the athlete’s member rises… and rises… and we see that the rope is tied to a tyre, which also rises. Okay, that is mildly amusing if you remember the original movie.

But that’s the extent of imagination. (All the blood, after all, has rushed somewhere far below.) The rest of the scene is business as usual. Rocky is turned on. He begins to play with himself. Kanhaiya walks in with his grandmother, who sees what Rocky is up to and promptly dies of shock. It’s the old thing’s birthday. She just turned… 69. What is more depressing? The fact that the first Kya Kool Hain Hum was made? Or that it has spawned a franchise? (This one is directed by Umesh Ghadge.) While you mull over that, here’s another highlight. Beavis and Butthead take up that job in Bangkok and discover that their friend makes… more “hot” versions of desi films. But lest we begin to judge him, he thunders, “Haan main maanta hoon ki main gandi filmein banata hoon. Lekin usi kamaaye hue paison se main Somalia ke nange bachchon ka tan bhi dhakta hoon.” I guess he’d call it self-relief work.

The storyline has terrific potential. Kanhaiya falls in love with Shalu (Mandana Karimi), whose ultra-traditional father isn’t going to accept a porn-actor son-in-law. Kanhaiya needs to show he’s a “family man.” Cue, a Birdcage-like set-up where his co-stars pretend to be kith and kin out of a Sooraj Barjatya movie. (Bistar Mein Hum Saath Saath Hain? Main Porn Ki Deewani Hoon?) But nothing works. The writer Milap Zaveri is to this genre what Chetan Bhagat is to literary fiction – he’s content writing sophomoric jokes around five-point-something inches. I had far more fun imagining Zaveri’s childhood. He must have been the kid who tented his shorts every time the teacher drew a sphere or a cone in geometry class. Oranges, bananas, beach balls – he sees smut everywhere. Like in this scene where Sunny Leone, peddling a cleaning liquid that gets rid of stains on golf balls, holds up a pair and says, “Saaf balls se khelne ka mazaa hi kuch aur hai.”

No, wait – that’s Mastizaade, the other porn-comedy with Tusshar Kapoor, Sushmita Mukherjee and Ritesh Deshmukh. This one’s actually directed by Milap Zaveri, and it’s a similar scenario of the bar being set so low, it’s barely off the ground. If Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 makes porn-y versions of desi hits, Mastizaade makes commercials out of them. (The Karan Arjun-based ad for condoms is pretty funny. As is the donkey whose private parts can tell time. I admit it. I laughed. Please don’t judge me.) We look forward to more along these lines – but that would require too much work. Far easier to think up wordplay along these lines: “House-full nahin, blouse-full hai.” Leone, in a double role, gamely subjects herself to a series of Dolly Parton jokes, though the most hilarious thing about the movie may be the notion that someone like her would lust after Tusshar Kapoor. Had this been a better movie, I might have discussed the flaming gay stereotype Suresh Menon plays, but everyone, really, is stripped of their dignity. I came away with increased admiration for Asrani. The old-timer has been in his share of terrible comedies, but never in the midst of so many dick and boob jokes. But he commits to the part with astonishing vigour. Whatever the acting world’s equivalent of Viagra is, he’s on it. What a trouper.

KEY:

• mastizaade = fun lovers

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Posted in: Cinema: Hindi