“Teraa Surroor”… So bad, it’s not even funny

Spoilers ahead…

“Jurm ki duniya mujhe gangster ke naam se jaanti hai,” says Himesh Reshammiya’s Raghu in Shawn Arranha’s Teraa Surroor, an in-spirit sequel to 2007’s Aap Kaa Surroor. Looking at the singer-actor, you don’t immediately think gangster. You think sulky schoolboy with facial paralysis who wandered into a broom closet and came out wearing a mop on his head. But think about it – gangster makes sense. Reshammiya, after all, has assassinated several members of the octave. And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays a guitar. No, that sentence is no mistake. This is a motif in the film. After a few scenes, we cut, without rhyme or reason, to this image – only, the instrument changes every time. So where were we? Ah, octave assassination. So we wonder if there’s something fresh in store. Maybe this gangster’s mode of operation is to tie his victims to a chair and launch into really high-pitched songs. But alas, Raghu simply wields a gun. And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays the drums.

Then there’s Tara (Farah Karimaee), Raghu’s fiancée. He tells her he had a one-night stand (the woman was on top, in case you’re wondering) and she says she’s going to Ireland. We’re stumped for a second. So that’s what people are doing these days? Admissions of infidelity are being countered by air tickets to Dublin and Galway? And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays the flute. So where were we? Ah, the one-night stand. It doesn’t even make sense. All Raghu wanted was to insert an explosive chip into the woman’s phone. Why go a step further, with another kind of inserting? Maybe it’s a message to the audience that Himesh Reshammiya is a sexual being too. Those must be some really nasal orgasms. Anyway, Tara gets caught for drug-trafficking. And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays the sax.

The film is about the hunt for a mystery man named Aniruddh Brahmin, Aniruddh Brahmin, Aniruddh Brahmin, Aniruddh Brahmin. They keep chanting his name like a mantra. He’s to be found if Tara is to be freed. But Raghu has other plans. He visits Santino (Naseeruddin Shah), a prisoner he found out about through a billboard, and gets tips on escape plans. Looking at these two share a frame is to reimagine the restaurant scene in Heat with Al Pacino sitting across Zac Efron. And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays the cello. Reshammiya is ambitious. He wants us to believe he has Anil Kapoor’s Janbaaz-era swagger. Ek goli daali, paanch ghar khaali… Meanwhile Shekhar Kapoor, playing the Indian ambassador, says, “I guess that’s why they say, ‘Don’t ever give a bad girl a good boyfriend’.” Who’s ‘they’? Are people saying this? Monica Dogra is there. Shernaz Patel is there too. As Raghu and Tara try to flee the country, we think of possible sequels. Uskaa Surroor. Iskaa Surroor. Sab Kaa Surroor. Baba Ramdev Kaa Surroor. And the masked villain stands by a floodlit window and plays the bongos.

KEY:

• Surroor = Intoxication of love.
• “Jurm ki duniya mujhe gangster ke naam se jaanti hai,” = The world of crime knows me as a gangster.
• Aap Kaa Surroor = see here

Copyright ©2016 Baradwaj Rangan. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.

Posted in: Cinema: Hindi