You know those pretty, shapely girls from Belarus or Lithuania who come to Mumbai on a holiday and end up as backup dancers in a Baw-ly-would movie? In the song that plays over the opening credits of Great Grand Masti, one of them opens her eyes wide and goes WOW! as Ritesh Deshmukh, Vivek Oberoi and Aftab Shivdasani enter the frame. I guess this is director Indra Kumar telling us he’s making a fantasy. We cut to Ritesh Deshmukh examining the private parts of a man. I’m guessing he’s some kind of doctor (it would be troubling if he weren’t), though if you ask me what his specialty is, I wouldn’t be able to say. This isn’t the kind of movie to bother with details. His phone rings. It’s a call from Chudail Ki Beti. If you’re wondering who that is, you haven’t seen a Masti movie. It’s the wife. She wants him to come with her to see a swami (Sanjay Mishra) who goes by the name of Antakshari Baba and speaks in film song-ese. Already I’m beginning to wonder why they don’t crowd-source the one-liners in these films, especially with the predominance of wags on social media.
Aftab Shivdasani comes home in time to hear his bosomy sister-in-law yell STATUE. He freezes. She begins to tickle him. Even though he’s supposed to be frozen, one part of him moves. Sister-in-law is delighted. You want to promptly put her on a couch – clean your mind with soap, I don’t mean that. I’m saying she has issues if her idea of fun and games is to give her brother-in-law a boner. Aftab Shivdasani’s signature acting move is to convey arousal by rolling back his eyeballs and making his jaw quiver – it’s as though he’s getting blown by a vacuum cleaner. A little later, he refers to his penis as a chooha. He keeps doing this. In a subsequent scene, it’s a lollipop. And then we move to Vivek Oberoi’s house, where his wife and brother-in-law are weirdly linked, the way E.T. and Elliot were. One does or feels something. The other experiences the same. So when an amorous Vivek Oberoi returns home, his wife begins to behave like her brother who is somewhere else, kicking someone in the groin. Under the Farrelly brothers, this would have become a great low-brow gag. Indra Kumar, alas, is only interested in low-bra gags.
Ritesh Deshmukh finds there’s a new domestic help at home. She’s bosomy too. I’ll stop referring to the women in this film as bosomy because that’s like calling the sky blue. (If you’re chuckling and asking, “The sky blew who?”, you’re exactly the target audience for Great Grand Masti.) The screen tests, I am fairly certain, weren’t about whether these women fit the parts but whether they fit DD-cup bras. When the heroes have an accident and their car slams into a tree, I half expected inflatable mammary glands to cushion them. Am I losing track of the story? I suppose I’ll have to return to the scene in which Aftab Shivdasani goes to take a shit and thinks he’s been bitten by a cobra, which means one of his pals will have to suck out the venom from his rear end. This film is big on rear-end humour. During the climax, Antakshari Baba, under the influence of a spell from a demoness, actually shits out a watermelon.
This demoness (Urvashi Rautela) lives in a dilapidated mansion in a place named… Doodhwadi. When our salivating heroes imagine the kind of women here, they see pretty young things everywhere, even at a potter’s wheel. Aftab Shivdasani tells the latter creature he loves her matkas. In case we didn’t get the joke, he tells her again. I grinned when a man with a blanket was dismissed as Kambal Haasan. (Oh go on, judge me!) So a few scenes later, our heroes walk into the mansion and meet the demoness, whose blouses are one exhalation away from a wardrobe malfunction. They don’t know she’s a demoness. They want to have sex with her. Turns out, she wants to have sex with them too. Only, after she’s done, the man will end up dead. For a second, I think Indra Kumar is subverting his earlier Masti movies, wagging a warning finger at cheating husbands. But nah! He’s soon back to slipping Viagra tablets in stainless-steel glasses, which increase in size.
Soon after intercourse – sorry, intermission, we get another gag-that-could-have-been. The three men sit around a table, that soon begins to wobble on… seven legs. And under the influence of the blue pill, Aftab Shivdasani starts pounding on a piano using his engorged member instead of his fingers. One of the songs is Khambe jaisi khadi hai. A more alert director would have quickly segued to Laal chhadi maidan khadi, and made a running gag of it. Instead, we meet Shreyas Talpade, in a special appearance. He plays a “gaon ka gigolo” hired by the trio to sleep with the demoness. She’s furious. She turns the man into a cock. I mean the bird. Soon, our heroes attempt to have sex with Ritesh Deshmukh’s mother-in-law. Why is she here, you may wonder. Because the wives have come to celebrate Karwa Chauth, and it’s their steadfast wifeliness that ends up saving our leading men. In other films, this festival is when wives offer prayers for their husbands’ long life. But here, you have to wonder if the desired lengthening wasn’t targeted at something else.
- Chudail Ki Beti = a witch’s daughter
- a Masti movie = see here
- chooha = mouse
- matka = earthen pot
- gaon ka gigolo = the gigolo of the village
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