Our annual feature, where ‘Metro Plus’ staffers (names changed), all newbies to Carnatic music, raise questions about the Season. Baradwaj Rangan attempts to keep a straight face and provide answers.
An earlier installment can be found here.
Dear BR: Why are most popular ragam-s named after women? Bhairavi, Arabhi, Kalyani, to name a few… – ‘Man’d Maama
You are mistaken that these are women’s names. Arabhi is a synthesis of the words “Arab” and “Hi” – it’s essentially how you say hello in the Emirates. Most ragam-s, thus, are named after where they’re from. For instance, Kanada was discovered north of the United States.
Dear BR: Are there any singers besides MS Subbulakshmi who were sponsored by Microsoft? – Carnatic Music is Geek and Latin
Unfortunately, no. But there are many that were sponsored by Apple. Like Ariyakudi Ramanuja i-Yengar and Madurai Mani i-Yer.
Dear BR: If the singer is stealing glances at me, am I allowed to flash him a little ‘call me’ sign? After all, not even the most traditional Bhairavi can stop true love. – I Love Car-naughty Music
Of course you can. But you have to follow strict kutcheri protocol. The creators of Carnatic music anticipated this, which is why they devised talam-s (rhythm cycles) in various counts. For instance, aadi talam has eight counts, roopaka talam has six counts. So if your number is 8688xxxxxx, then you look at the singer, hover your hand over your lap, and go aadi-roopaka-aadi-aadi…
Dear BR: Why do so many ragam-s have such long and complicated names like Amritavarshini, Simhendramadhyamam and Mayamalavagowla? – Srivenkatachalapathy Anantharamasubramaniam
Seriously?
Dear BR: Does Swiggy deliver to the sabha-s in case the canteen fare is disappointing? – Music is the Love of Food
Maybe not at all venues, but definitely at the Moussaka Academy.
Dear BR: When the singer is allowed to look at an i-Pad or mobile phone and sing, why do they frown on us for texting when the concert is on? – WhatsApp Varadarajan
Because they want to make sure you’re not live-tweeting about their concert. Nobody wants to go home after a hard-sung kutcheri and find comments like “first half marana mokkai.”
Dear BR: Is it okay to go sabha-hopping just to spot “the one girl we’ve always dreamt of”? – Maama-Me ah?
Absolutely – provided the girl of your dreams is 55, loves silks and gossip, and wears diamond nose studs that can illuminate the sabha in the event of a power cut. BTW, what’s “cougar” in Tamil?
Dear BR: Since Margazhi is in the midst of the Christmas season and some singers do take requests, can we ask for hymns set to Carnatic music? – Carol Ondrum Illai
The December season is about music, not about religion. So feel free to ask for a rendition of the famous Yule-time sloka that goes ‘Santa karam’…
Dear BR: How do I overcome hunger pangs during a concert? For instance, every time I hear ‘Pibare Rama rasam,” I start dreaming of south Indian food. – Sambar over the Rainbow
Please consult a psychiatrist. Next you’ll be dreaming of north Indian breads every time you hear ‘Naan oru vilayattu bommaiya.”
Dear BR: I know the singers are expected to wear pattu saris and mallipoo. What about the audience? Will we be looked down upon if we went in a khadi kurta, carrying a jolna pai? – Bon Journo
Not at all. Musicians cannot afford to be particular, any more, about audience attire. After all, they make their living by travelling the world and catering to all kinds of fans. In the US, people land up in shorts. In Greenland, they come in caribou coats. In France’s nude beaches, they come in nothing, prompting our singers to plead with them to wear something at least: Chinnanchiru thuniye…
Dear BR: When is the best time during a concert to get to the rest room without offending the sensibilities of both performer and audience? – Give Pee a Chance
Stop being a baby and wear adult diapers like everyone else in the audience. (How else do you think, at their age, they’re holding in all that filter kaapi?)
Dear BR: Why is it that, at every kutcheri I go to, I find this one person looking smug at having landed the best seat possible? Forget Coldplay: how do I get the best seats in the house for a kutcheri? – Chair Market Investor
Try this web site: Book My So-billu…
Dear BR: Do the sabha canteens serve biriyani? What if I have a sudden craving? – The Bone Identity
Sorry. This art form is about the main piece, not a leg piece.
Dear BR: Every time I find a good seat, the same two maami-s find me and start asking for my horoscope and bio-data details. Is there any way to escape the matchmaking radar? – Rage of Aquarius
You mean they’re stalking you at kutcheri-s? Just tell them you’re not the typical, conservative south Indian boy and that you’re majorly addicted to sax and violins.
Dear BR: Does the word ‘Carnatic’ denote the fact that the music was created by Karna? – Maha Bored Thatha
I’m not sure. But I recently came to know that folk music was created by a man who couldn’t find a spoon.
Dear BR: Why is the shruti box sometimes tuned so loudly that we do not even hear the singer sing? – Loony Tones
Try listening to some of the Skype-trained singers and you may realise that that is exactly the whole point. It’s not just that the music is learnt over a distance. The audience needs distance from the music too.
Dear BR: Should the ragam Sindhu Bhairavi be renamed since Sindh in no longer in India? – Atlas Drugged
How silly. Next you’ll be asking if the ragam Bhavapriya should be retired from concerts since the heroine no longer acts in movies. No wait, that’s Banupriya!
Dear BR: Is it okay if I seek out an interesting-looking man and tap the talam on his lap instead of mine? – Thighs Thighs Baby
As if you have to ask. (PS: I’m the bald guy in the blue shirt.)
An edited version of this piece can be found here. Copyright ©2016 The Hindu. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
ruzaikadeen14
December 16, 2016
Oh dear, this was such a scream!!! This sure sounds like a valid reason since it’s bound to happen these days: Nobody wants to go home after a hard-sung kutcheri and find comments like “first half marana mokkai.” 😂
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ini
December 16, 2016
This stuff is just so good that, in fact, I look forward to this annual feature more eagerly than your year-end movie list.
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Anu Warrier
December 16, 2016
🙂
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Vikram s
December 16, 2016
😂😂😂
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MANK
December 16, 2016
Brangan 😂😂😂😂😂
And as always,the last item on the list is the killer Ha ha. Beware of the bald guy in blue shirt 😃
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Deepa
December 16, 2016
Hilarious… 😂😂😂😂
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Santosh Kumar T K
December 16, 2016
“i-Yer and i-Yengar” seriously?! gosh BR, all this is so labored and puerile! 🙂
or is this the standard path to what is popularly bandied around as “ambimamadom?”
how one wishes you left such 2005 blogger/blogspot attempts to kids from bombay and america. sigh!
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Sudhir Srinivasan
December 16, 2016
“Hover your hand over your lap, and go aadi-roopaka-aadi-aadi…”
😂😂
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lakshmi
December 16, 2016
‘Metro Plus’ staffers (names changed) 😀
I especially liked Carol Ondrum Illai and Maha Bored Thatha.
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venkatesh
December 16, 2016
I like that BR has decided that Blue is the color he is going to be known by,.
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Iswarya
December 17, 2016
Looking forward to hearing many more back stories of ragas like Kal yani as the confusion of the North Indian singer in explaining why yesterday is different from tomorrow or Bhai Ravi, the long lost twin of Suriya from Anjaan
😉
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brangan
December 17, 2016
Iswarya: Long long ago so long ago no one can say how long ago, I had a column called Arre O Sambar, filled with the cheapest Tamil puns I could think up. I had great fun and the reader reaction was funnier. One half loved it, the other half loathed it. Was so funny to see how worked up they’d get over it 🙂
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Ramakrishnan Shanmugasundaram
December 17, 2016
BTW, what’s “cougar” in Tamil?
Try google translate…1. கொழுப்பு
2. பூனை இனத்தைச் சார்ந்த கொடு விலங்கு
cougar
😂😂😂😂
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Iswarya
December 17, 2016
BR: Hmmm.. This is awkward! Now I see why coming up with the rather hideous puns in my earlier comment was a sure sign of unsound judgement. (I swear they felt fun to write at the time but are terribly embarrassing to read once sobriety has returned!)
As a part of my archive binges here during my long-ago lurking phase, I have had the erm… pleasure of reading all the AoS posts here. To be honest, I was definitely on the loathing side of the audience. Even the baingan stuff you wrote in the Rajinikanth explainer last year or so made me hold my head and do a double take.. So I totally understand the polarized reactions. If I remember right, I did leave a comment even last time about cringing at the memory of AoS. But, for some reason this annual feature feels different.. Maybe because this provides the much-needed relief amid all others writing about the Season in the intimidating tone of high seriousness?
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Ravi K
December 17, 2016
I swara I don’t mean to raga on you, but this piece made me misra-ble. By the end I felt like Andy in The Shashank Redemption.
Just kidding you made me say “haharohanam” many times. Besh!
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Madan
December 17, 2016
Sambar over the rainbow, ha! Imagine the late Judy Garland singing that with utmost sincerity.
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sachita
December 17, 2016
this is worse than aos series though.
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RadicalJunk
December 18, 2016
There should be one for lit-fests too, considering how many there are now. I have one – Can you attend a session on a book/movie even if you haven’t read or seen it, and the only reason you want to is because you have secretly admired the author/reviewer for long and it is a chance to see and hear the bald man (all oblique hints are shamelessly direct)
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Rahul
December 20, 2016
This is hilarious. Though I know nothing about Carnatic music , I enjoyed it. Feel a little bit ashamed of having laughed out loud at “sax and violins” , but so I did.
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Rahul
December 20, 2016
Some of us played a game of coming up with Hollywood movies inspired by Indian cuisine. (Most of them are horrible , read at your own responsibility)
Last Taang in Paris
Save the last Naan for me
Look who’s farting
Days of Tandoor
An iftaar to remember
Queer idli for the straight madrasi
Samosa and Rooh-afza get laid
Full Murgi
american boti
There’s some Heeng about Mary
Kaisa-bana-tha
A streetcar named dosahut
Naan-spotting
SeekhKabob SquarePants -The movie
GladEater
Liver and let Fry
Manchoorian KandaPlate
Bolied keechary and saboodaane ki kheer
Christmas Ka Roll
Meet The Parathas
The silence of the lamb curry
Something about Mari-nade
Four Vadapaos and a funeral
Lard of the Onion Rings
Dirty Hari Sabzi
Top Bai-Gun
Vanilla Sky Milkshake
Raan Man
In the Meat of the Night
HamLet-tuce
West Side Sabzi
How Green Was My Bhindi
Raiders of the Lost Achar
The Bhindi on the River Kwai
Moolia.n .
A few good Masaley.
A beautiful maghaz.
Murghi in the Balty.
A Sundar Karaila`s Story.
The Last Samosa.
Shakarpara in Love
Bhara Heart
Just marinated.
Lentil weapons
Shashlik redemption.
Honey i Fried the chicks.
I know what u cooked last summer.
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brangan
December 20, 2016
Rahul: Feel a little bit ashamed of having laughed out loud at “sax and violins” , but so I did.
Ah. The ultimate validation for a cheap pun 😁 Thank you so much.
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Bharathi Shevgoor
December 20, 2016
Stop being a baby and wear adult diapers like everyone else in the audience. (How else do you think, at their age, they’re holding in all that filter kaapi?)
Hilarious.
Don’t know about your past outings of this type, but most of these were enjoyable for me.
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hari ohm
December 20, 2016
Now you are going to get hits for “how to spot a cougar in carnatic kutcheries”
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Enna koduka sir pera
December 21, 2016
I had a good laugh reading this out to my friends. Our favorite was “Santa-karam” 🙂 I want to ask BR the cliched dialogue “Room pottu yosicheengala”!!
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Sifter
December 21, 2016
This piece mostly seemed forced, but enjoyed the following:
Hymns set to Carnatic music- A great idea!
Sambar over the Rainbow- Imagined Judy Garland singing it 🙂
Skype trained singers- Seriously, do they sing at the ‘December Kutcheri’s?’
Bald guy in the blue shirt- Really?
Carol Onrun Illai, Santa Karam, Atlas Drugged, first half marana mokkai, Maha bored Thatha—made me laugh out loud, specially the first one.
And Santa Karam stirred memories of the play by Cho I saw many years ago in DD.
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blurb
December 21, 2016
Besh besh, romba nanna irukke! 😀
From the Arre O Sambar days, I’ve felt that you have the crazy Mohan type word pun mokka humor streak in you. 🙂
Actually, sincerely hoping you get to write dialogues again soon. And the movie releases. Icing on the cake would be if it was for a Kamal comedy 🙂
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ChV
December 22, 2016
I like the puns you used here and there, even though they seem cheap, I would say “aadi roopaka aadi aadi…” was way out of the league, hilarious. Many young girls would to avoid going to kutcheri-s just to stay away from marriage stalker’s especially the “pattu mami’s”. Well you missed to mention about loafers who are fond off grabbing a plate of “GHEE Doda” at sabha canteen or people who halt at sabha just for food rather than music (well I do that mostly) .
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lakshmi
December 18, 2017
Miss your piece for the music season this year. In fact, it’s been a long time since you wrote about something that’s not cinema-related.
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