By Severus Snape
I am 18, a college fresher, and I like to be cool. I like to have people praise me; I want to stand out from the crowd. I want to participate in several clubs; it sounds cool to say, “Oh, I made a clock using Arduino and designed an app to display our timetable”. The literary society of my college announced a scrabble tournament. I never played this game, but I looked up a few videos, and it seemed easy. I gave my name. I won the group stages and made it to the quarter-finals. I got a couple of bingos (scrabble equivalent of a home run) in a game, and I was happy.
I haven’t been a happy person for a while now. No, not that I was sad, I did laugh at a few awesome memes and jokes, but when I go to bed every night, there’s no feeling of “Yes, that was a good day”. There’s no feeling of “I’ve done something useful today. I’ve completed all my pending works, and I’ve achieved something.” I count all the pending tasks I’ve written on a piece of paper. I remember the first time I used this technique. Apart from the obvious benefit of keeping track of the day, it felt satisfying to check the little box beside each task. I would complete about 90% of stuff(related to math, physics, and chemistry) back then and sleep with a grin; the other 10% about a subject taught awfully, one could study a day before and get a 99 out of 100. But now it doesn’t happen. The boxes are unchecked, apart from a couple of rare ones. I’m embarrassed to show it to anyone, but it’s on my table and catches the attention of classmates, who see a printed template I had created so proudly a couple of years ago.
Anyway, I digress. I think about everything I’ve done till now, and then I think about what others have done(or are doing). One guy knows how to play the guitar; another one figured out how to solve a mind-numbing problem related to wires. A girl’s passion is computer science, and she aims to do her masters abroad. A couple of friends have worked on a project that they’ll submit to the electronics club of the college. At the same time, another guy who doesn’t particularly like the stream he chose(like me, we’re supposed to become electrical engineers) is trying to make an app for the software development club. I remember him telling me he had to fix this, but that is working perfectly, but all I understand is that he is doing something. And then, there’s me.
I have no distinguishing talent, no passion for doing anything. I’ve never played any sport or instrument. I wish I could sing or write, but I just can’t. I never found the time to learn to do so; all I know is to sit in front of a desk and study. That’s what I’ve done my entire life, trying to hit(and successfully hitting) academic milestones. “Topper of the class” “Full marks in Math” That’s all I knew before 11th. I was a sincere school boy who felt disgusted by the thought of academic dishonesty. The last few times I slept with a satisfied smile was when JEE results were declared a few months ago, and I could go to one of the most prestigious engineering institutes in the country.
But I’m not passionate about engineering and not electrical engineering at all. It was a crowning achievement, something my parents could feel proud of. My dad was a little disappointed I chose electrical engineering instead of the much-coveted computer science, but not because I like CSE. He wants me to do an “easy” IT job(it’s still possible to shift from EE to CSE, though) and get paid in lakhs rather than living a modest middle-class life like him. And to see people talk about it as something they would love to do made me think, “What am I doing with my life?” I’m reminded of that scene in the Tamil movie VIP, where a drunk, unemployed Dhanush tells the heroine he’s absolutely not jealous of his brother(who bought a car with his hard-earned money). Then he pauses for a moment and admits he’s slightly jealous. I’m not jealous of my peers at all; it’s just that I feel like I’m doing nothing.
And yes, I can no longer do what I did best before. I’m unable to understand almost every course, and I’m relying heavily on last-minute studies to keep my grades up. I see people making a squarewave generator, moving a wire here and there, trying to cancel out the noise in the oscilloscope. I’m unable to do that. I look at the resistors, the capacitors, the wires, the breadboard, and the oscilloscope, and I want to run back home and never return. I can’t understand concepts in the classes, and I’m bunking them so that I don’t feel screwed by the end of the class. I feel painfully mediocre, and I have nothing to make me unique. I want to cry as loud as I can, but tears don’t flow, possibly because these aren’t real problems. I guess it’s also the fact that I’m an introvert and can’t tell all these “problems” to anyone. Yes, I know there are people with far worse issues worldwide, and there’s possibly no reason for me to write this whine-fest.
I don’t know what to talk about when I sit with my classmates for lunch and dinner; I haven’t seen many movies. I love reading about films and songs and watching cricket as a layman(A guy who often sits next to me is a wicketkeeper-batsman), but I can’t translate any of this into conversations. There are a few conversations here and there, but most of the time, I sit in a group of people talking to one another, with nothing for me to chime in. I’m afraid of being left alone. A part of me says why should I care about their attention, but I don’t know. I like people noticing me in a crowd. I know I’m probably an attention-seeker, but I guess I am.
I just listen to songs and play a couple of mobile games to distract myself from my “problems”, but they come back to haunt me like ghosts at night. At this point, the Scrabble tournament was announced. I gave my name. It will be a fantastic achievement if I win this. And then, a mischievous thought came. The tournament was online, so I could simply use an anagrammer. I dilly-dallied this thought, “Am I that desperate for attention? In a tournament filled with experienced players, is it necessary to win and deny the rightful winners their prize?”
I cheated.
It looked easy, this thing. I played my way through the group stages. On the other hand, I loved the game. I saw a fascinating video of professional scrabble players talking about their best move, worst move, improbable move, etc. I wanted to be like them. I played a few games without cheating, losing most but slowly improving. I made it to the quarter-finals and was supposed to play three matches. I won the first one and then lost the second one. Both my opponents were terrific, and I respected them for their skill. And the day I played my second match, I got two bingos without cheating in other random games. I can’t express how happy I was to get them; it seemed like I could do it without resorting to using an anagrammer. And then, I got a message from one of the organisers.
He said it was pretty evident that I was using help and asked me to confess or prove otherwise. I was shell-shocked, and I didn’t know what to do. I reached for my phone and started typing my confession. I searched for reasons to justify myself, and the whole validation thing hit me. I started sobbing, not only because I was caught but because I stooped to this level to look cool. Every dormant thought I had in my mind came to me, and I felt horrible that I had done this. The weight of everything I had done had suddenly become apparent to me. I cheated; I denied chances to deserving people; I became the person I would have hated in my school days. I didn’t know what to expect but was scared. And then, he responded. He said it was fine.
He told me that cheating was unacceptable(of course), but I had four years and more to figure out everything. He said everything would be fine, and I didn’t have to resort to cheating to look cool. He allowed me to play the last match and reduced my score in the other two as a penalty. He told me that scrabble is fun once I get the hang of it. I didn’t expect him to be this polite. He understood my feelings more than I did then and showed me mercy. If I’m allowed to be corny, I felt like Valjean after his interaction with the Bishop in Les Misérables. I messaged my classmate about this, and I expected him to laugh at my “emotional” state, but he didn’t. He told me there’s no use in looking for validation from others. And I found the root cause of all my “problems”; I cared more about others’ perceptions of me than what I thought of myself. Of course, I still hate being mediocre, but it is in my hands to change that. I have to stop thinking about others and simply improve upon myself. While I couldn’t sleep well last night, I hope I’ll soon sleep with a grin, counting all my tasks and thinking about how much I’ve improved.
Baradwaj Rangan 
Madan
June 20, 2022
Not clear if this is autobiographical or an imagination of the life of an 18 year old. More impressive if the latter but very interesting at any rate.
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Deepika
June 20, 2022
@Madan, I bet he’s a 90’s kid 🙂 there’s a heavy influence of GVM, JEE and VIP! Sorry, Snape!
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Satya
June 20, 2022
Dear Severus,
I advise you to be aware of a certain Lilly Evans and James Potter, and implore you to see reason while dealing with a certain Tom Riddle. I am sure depression must be eating you, but do remember that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one remembers to turn on the light, and that I would do nothing expect spout such complicated lines throughout our time together.
Warm Regards
Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster
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Satya
June 20, 2022
Nice write-up, btw. Feels very novel-like.
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Eswar
June 20, 2022
If you have figured out so much in the first eighteen years, I am sure you will figure out the rest too.
Your post reminded me of this talk by Jeyamohan. I don’t know why.
I usually don’t recommend books that I haven’t read myself. But after reading your post, I felt I should recommend Jeyamohan’s Thanmeetchi. My apologies if you cannot read Tamil.
https://thannaram.in/product/%e0%ae%a4%e0%ae%a9%e0%af%8d%e0%ae%ae%e0%af%80%e0%ae%9f%e0%af%8d%e0%ae%9a%e0%ae%bf/
இன்றைய தலைமுறையில் மிகச்சிறுபான்மையினராயினும் ஏராளமானவர்கள் தனக்கென தனிவாழ்க்கையை கோருகின்றனர். தனி அடையாளத்தை விழைகின்றனர். அவர்களே இந்த வினாக்களுக்குள் வந்து விழுகிறார்கள். அடுத்த தலைமுறையில் இக்குழப்பங்களுக்கு இடமிருக்காது, சமூகத்திலேயே இதற்கான பொதுவிடைகள் உருவாகியிருக்கும், ஐரோப்பிய அமெரிக்க சமூகங்களில் இருப்பதைப்போல. சமூகம் இத்தனை அழுத்தத்தை தனிமனிதனுக்கு அளிக்காது.
திரும்பத்திரும்ப என்னிடம் இந்த வகையான வினாக்கள் கேட்கப்படுகின்றன. இத்தகைய வினாக்கள் இன்றைய தலைமுறையினரிடம் வலுவாக எழுந்துகொண்டிருக்கின்றன என நினைக்கிறேன். சென்ற தலைமுறையில் இத்தகைய வினாக்கள் இல்லை. அன்று ஒவ்வொருவரும் சமூகத்தின் பொது அடையாளத்தை தன் அடையாளமென்று கொண்டனர். வேலை, குடும்பம், தனிச்சொத்து, தொழில்வெற்றி, ஓய்வுவாழ்க்கை, இறப்பு என பிறர்போற்றும் வாழ்க்கையே தன் வாழ்க்கை என்று எண்ணி எளிதில் அமைந்தனர். அதுவே நம் மரபு நமக்களிக்கும் வாழ்க்கைப்பாதை. அதை ஏற்றுக்கொண்டால் சிக்கல்களே இல்லை.
இவ்வகையான கடிதங்களுக்குச் சென்ற இருபதாண்டுகளாகப் பதில் போட்டுக்கொண்டிருக்கிறேன். ஏனென்றால் இது நம் சமகாலத்தில் உள்ள பொதுப்பிரச்சினை. அனைவருக்கும் உரியது. இதற்கு தனிப்பட்ட ஆலோசனைகள், வழிகாட்டல்கள் உண்மையில் உதவாது. ஏனென்றால் ஒவ்வொருவரும் தனிப்பட்ட ரசனை, தேடல், அறிவுத்திறன், வாழ்க்கைச்சூழல் சார்ந்து தானாகவே தேடிக் கண்டடையவேண்டியது இது. ஆகவே இப்பிரச்சினையின் பொதுவான தளங்கள் என்னென்ன என்று மட்டுமே சொல்லமுடியும். இரு கோணங்களில். ஒன்று, இது ஒன்றும் இருபத்தொன்றாம் நூற்றாண்டு மனிதனுக்கே உரிய தனிப்பிரச்சினை அல்ல. என்றுமுள்ள மானுடப்பிரச்சினை. ஆகவே இதை மரபு எப்படி அணுகுகிறது என்று. இரண்டு, இன்றைய சூழலில் இது பொதுவாக எப்படிப் பொருள்படுகிறது என்று.
திரும்பிப்பார்க்கையில் நாம் நமக்களிக்கப்பட்ட நாட்களை நம்முடைய அகம் நிறைவுகொள்ளும்படி செலவிட்டிருந்தால், அந்த வாழ்க்கை முழுமையானதுதான்.
தன்னறத்துக்கும் சூழலுடன் ஒத்துப்போவதற்கும் நடுவே ஒரு துலாமுள் போலவே நாம் செல்லவேண்டியிருக்கிறது.
– ஜெ
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Cholan Raje
June 20, 2022
Ever since I moved schools from 4th-5th standard, I’ve been an attention seeker too. I was in denial about it for so long, and I was so focused on being “interesting” that I neglected all my studies, forced myself into a “quirky” personality and lost my own in the process. I only woke up to reality when I realized most of my classmates were going into STEM, and I was going into a Humanities degree because my academic performance was so poor I could only get consistently high marks (and the validation I sought from teachers) in non-STEM courses.
I think I was borderline suicidal the summer before my first year of university. I would wake up in the morning and go for a walk, and I’d be too tired to walk without slouching. I’d spend the rest of my day binging YouTube to distract myself. My mom was starting her YT channel around that time, and I remember occasionally shit-talking her videos in front of her to make me feel better about myself, only to feel like shit after a few minutes.
University came around and I had no idea how to handle the sudden truckload of work. I remember looking at the pages, freaking out, and my mind racing, searching for some antidote to make me productive. Making my parents proud. Making tons of money. None of it worked. Then I found out I could get some work done by vilifying my more successful classmates, and motivating myself to work by telling myself that if I did, I’d be “superior” to them. I’d also remind myself that all of my classmates were able to make it into STEM, and if I couldn’t even do a Humanities course, I was a (insert profanities here).
It worked, but it also made me hate myself. Summer came around, and I was low-key proud of myself for surviving the first year and getting good grades too. I think the pride simmered down my anxiety and helped me realize that everything I think and do is driven by a high need for validation.
Going into the second year, my “plan” to study was to shut down any thought I had relating to my desire for validation, in the belief that the more indulged in those thoughts, the less productive I’d be. Turns out practically every thought I had related to validation, meaning I effectively had to stop myself from thinking outside of studies. I tried to stop thinking altogether because I feared if I did, I’d fall back into my old habits and lose everything.
Eventually, I was so miserable I gave into my desire for validation and believed I could never become productive. I shut down. I passed my courses with decent grades because of the good work I did prior in the semester. My parents wanted me to find a job, but I didn’t apply for any because I didn’t want to go back to trying to become productive. They found out I didn’t do shit and started yelling at me. Then I broke down in front of them. I gave them some BS so they’d stop harassing me and I kinda-sorta got through the next semester by procrastinating a lot in most of my courses.
This summer, I spend as much time outside the house as possible. I wait to leave, and once I do I walk around the local mall with headphones on and drown in dreams of receiving validation. They make me feel miserable, but without them I feel miserable too. The only thing I’m “working on” is trying out all the flavors at the local ice cream shop.
I think I was getting better, but now I don’t feel like doing it because all the pain I went through ended up being for nothing after the relapse. Obviously the rational thing to do is keep moving forward, but idk. I just run away from things until I have to face them.
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Doba
June 21, 2022
Dear Severus,
As Madan mentions, I have no idea if this is fiction or autobiographical. But it deeply resonated with me (and if you will pardon me), I see my students in you and so I am going to respond by assuming it was the latter.
Right from the time, we are small, people are obsessively discussing or thinking about what we are going to “become” when we grow up. Everybody is dreaming of those big podium finishes, with a gold medal around our neck and our face flashing on thousand screens. But the reality is often very different. Wherever we end up, college, first job, second job, we find people who are smarter or for want of a better word, more successful than us. In fact, the likelihood of this happening is greater when we go to (again for want of a better word) a higher-ranked place. We discover, in our early adulthood, the mortifying truth that we have been prepared all of our life for coming first but not for being second best. Movies, books, and certainly our parents and teachers do not talk about silver medals or bronze medals or heaven forbid anybody below that. I was certainly not prepared for it and feel that I am still not (and I am much older than 18!). To this day, I walk into conferences amazed at the intelligence of some colleagues and envious of the extroversion of others, and long to delve behind the nearest rock (no luck because fancy 5-star hotels are fresh out of rocks). So this is how I am trying to handle my pain and I hope you will write back and share how you deal with yours –
1. I choose to work on problems that are within my capacity to solve and which I will feel good about solving.
2. I never compromise on academic integrity so that I can sleep at night without being plagued by my conscience.
3. I try to be as kind and respectful of the people I work with, be encouraging of students, and try to make a positive difference in the small circle of influence that I have.
All of this sounds dreadfully unremarkable I am sure. The longing to be one of the Big Three clinching away yet another Grand Slam is totally understandable. But I want to remind you that a Tsonga just retired with the full respect of the tennis community – both players and fans. There is still a place in this world for being a good and decent person who works hard and honestly.
My very best wishes to you and I hope you find lots of bingos.
Doba
p.s EE is vast. You may find topics in your electives in later years of studies that take you to many exciting places and discoveries!
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Madan
June 21, 2022
Doba : That’s brilliant advice. And I consider myself very fortunate that my parents never compared my performance to the brightest kids in class. If I got criticized, it was for not giving the best that I was capable of. And that is what I try to focus on to this day.
Hand in hand, I want to also make a darker comment : there are no guarantees in life. So just enjoy it while you can. If someone chose, like me, a path of carving out a quiet niche for yourself to run at your own pace, well you may one day find your idyllic existence disrupted at the behest of some big ego’s power play, leaving you somewhat like where Appu (perhaps my favourite character of all in Indian cinema, more so than any superhero, macho man or golden hearted son) is roughly at the interval block. When that happens, be thankful for what you did enjoy all these years and reflect on how much earlier it could have been taken away from you. And just hold tight and hope it will pass. I am still at the stage of holding tight as of now so if and when I make progress, I will write in with an update. But there will be curveballs and you have to “face the music with a smile” as Prasanna says.
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Madan
June 21, 2022
Cholan Raje : I am sorry to hear about your travails. I don’t know how supportive or not your parents and unfortunately too many Indian parents adopt the tiger mom posture. But if they ARE supportive, first fess up and ask and get their support. You are searching for validation but what you really need right now is a shoulder to rest a hand on for balance, somewhere where you can drop anchor so you don’t feel rudderless.
Then, many fulfilling career paths do exist for a Humanities student so jot down all of them and then circle the ones that appeal most to you. And then TRY to shape a career around them (but have a plan B). I never planned to be a Chartered Accountant. My Veronica was an MA Eng Lit and parents wanted me to study Engineering so the Betty option was Commerce. And here I am, with nearly 15 years experience now. I have much to be thankful for too. I have no liabilities, a flat of my own and cash in the bank. If it comes to that, I can ride the storm. So whatever tears I shed along the way, especially in 11th standard when I was simply petrified of Maths, have been worth it, I guess.
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Anu Warrier
June 21, 2022
First, two words – get help. Please. I do not mean to be condescending or dismissive. Mental health is so overlooked, and everyone feels like they shouldn’t say anything to anyone for fear of being dismissed or worse, mocked, that it is like living in a pressure cooker.
Two, intelligence is great. Integrity is somewhat unnoticed but equally important. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself.
I’m so glad that the organiser was a decent, compassionate person. I’m equally glad that your friend to whom you reached out was equally understanding. Value those experiences, pay it forward.
I hope you succeed – in whatever way you measure success.
p.s You write very evocatively. Perhaps that’s your métier.
@Cholan Raje – I’m so, so sorry. But to you too, I say, get thee to a therapist. Fast. I’m serious. Please, please reach out for help from people who are trained to help. Not your parents, not your relatives, not your friends. An objective professional. My best wishes.
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Satya
June 21, 2022
Another thing to add here. If you and/or your family members are believers/thiests, and someone in family says we get a prayer done for curing the depression within, or you yourself hope that God will pull you out out from the well, please reconsider.
I had to seek therapy when I wasted years trying to ace a professional course and when my father passed away, and I am a believer too. As assuring as the presence of God actually can be, it is important you treat the turbulence within like any other physical injury and see a therapist / counsellor here. Talk to your parents, the doctors, college staff who are involved in your education and make peace with them. God should come in the picture to handle things beyond your agency. That’s that.
One really good example is this – Gunaseelam village in Tamil Nadu. That place has a Prasanna Venkatachalapathy Temple, which is a very ancient place of worship and is fairly busy with devotees on a regular basis. People visit that place, among many other things including tourism, to pray for their family members who have mental health issues and stay there for 48 days. But if you see, that temple premise has a Govt. sponsored mental health rehabilitation centre where these patients are admitted and looked after. I don’t know how many here are thiests and actually believe in God healing people, but IMHO this place shows ideally how it should be – proper medical help first, and then praying God to help with the ongoing uncertainity.
Sorry if that felt unnecessary, but I have seen my friends denying professional help and simply leaving it to God. And the stories here moved me and I could not help but comment. Take care people, and do converse. It really helps.
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Severus Snape
June 21, 2022
First off, I’d like to thank everyone for reading the piece and responding to it(It’s autobiographical; I had written it the day after I got caught). I was a silent reader of this blog for a couple of years. I often read the archives and the comments below them; and it feels surreal to see the same people respond to my piece; I can’t write a coherent sentence to describe my feelings. I hope I’ll find time to write a reply to each one of the comments, but until then, thanks again!!
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Rahini David
June 21, 2022
You know what would really help? Posting positive recovery stories that include a professional therapist’s help. I have heard at least a 3 people IRL say they had positive outcomes after their therapy. But I don’t know their real story ( beyond knowing it was after a divorce or something like that ).
It can be anonymous if the commenter is a regular here already. Can some of the lurkers do that?
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sanjana
June 21, 2022
Sadhguru replied, “Do you still expect the world to be fair to you?” Samantha said with a laugh, “That’s why I’m asking this question! Can I blame it on my past karma is what I’m asking.” Sadhguru responded, “I want the world to be fair to me is a schoolgirl question,” before offering an explanation about how life is inherently unfair. “By now, you should know the world is not fair. It will not be fair,” he said.
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Rahini David
June 21, 2022
Sanjana,
Is that a quote from a story you read or is it a micro-short-story you wrote?
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Madan
June 21, 2022
Without giving names, obviously, I can say that a relative of mine went through hell with bipolar and lost a year of college as a meritorious student (they graduated from Urbana Champaign). Currently married, soon to be a parent and getting a PhD from Ann Arbor after a fruitful 5-6 years in corporate.
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sanjana
June 21, 2022
Rahini,
The source is
https://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/telugu/samantha-ruth-prabhu-sadhguru-interview-7977661/
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Madan
June 21, 2022
I would detail my own experience but that a) I wasn’t and am not on meds and b) it’s too soon to say the coast is clear. But particularly with covid and how it has made the workplace or place of learning (as applicable) and effects on mental health from a covid infection for some people, I would absolutely say don’t hesitate to take help from a professional and screw the skeptics. You can, within constraints, get operated upon for a bodily ailment but you may not get back your sanity so it’s not worth taking a chance over.
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sanjana
June 21, 2022
Taking a break helps. Trekking, visiting places, having a pet, writing poetry help. Everyone goes through these phases and tomorrow always brings something better.
A good therapist is important. Nowadays, many do not know who to choose. Better to go through therapist’s credentials and reliability.
Wishing all the best.
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Srinivas R
June 21, 2022
I am in my 40s and relate quiet a bit to whats written here. The constant procastination, running away from things I need to do are real problems I grapple with, been grappling with for long. One thing that helps always is a tight deadline. Setting small achievable goals i.e. breaking down large, seemingly complex & boring things to small chunks helps. Off late I have started watching videos of Dr. Andrew Huberman and its an insight abt how to manage your behavior. I also find the no bullshit self help approach of Mark Manson very helpful. Its still a long journey.
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Jeyashree
June 21, 2022
Keep a hug Snape, Raje, Madan and all you lovely ones who need one. I’ve been on meds and therapy and yes coast is clear for now.
I feel what you narrate and it’s the story of most of us front benchers, nerds and people who never flouted a rule ever in life and all went well until it isn’t all that simple like it used to be when studying hard meant good marks and then decent degree and dream job. Then what? We haven’t grown up understanding ourselves
I’m glad you had an experience to understand integrity is everything. It is ok to take your time to figure it out and you know what, it is ok if you don’t .. the process of figuring it out is life and sad we’ve not been prepared well enough for life as much as we’ve been for academic and professional achievement.
Take help. You have a broken bone , you don’t need mommy s kisses you need a cast. Same here. Some neurotransmitter tweaking needed and you shall get it with professional help. Remember there’s a lot of time , there are so many good souls out there and you can be anything you want. Also there needn’t be an achievement at the end of it all to validate all what you’ve been through. Two things that have always helped me are some physical activity and keeping what I call the circle of love alive. Random acts of kindness and spreading love to people around starts off a chain reaction of positivity and comes around 🙂
Cheers to some peaceful times ahead pal!
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Enna koduka sir pera
June 22, 2022
Severus – I was touched by what you had written. It is so beautifully written as well.
I was in the same boat too 15 years back. There was this constant (self-built) pressure to be cool, stand out amongst my peers and seek validation. Then, it all changed one day – what made it change, I don’t clearly remember, but it was sort of this incident. I had finished my college degree and was going in a bus one day and I saw this fisherwoman sitting next to me. She was sitting the way she wanted, talking the way she wanted, giving little thought about how she will be perceived. I was observing her and thinking that in my circles, this would be considered as ‘crass’. But, it occurred to me that she clearly didn’t give a damn about any of this and just wanted to be who she was. And, I think, at that moment, I felt like receiving a slap on my face and realizing that I had at many times been conscious about what I do, how I do so as to be validated by others in my circle and it had constricted my behavior and thoughts so much. It was just so liberating to have this realization. And, it felt so good to slowly come out of this need for validation – I hope you are able to come out soon from this and as others suggested, please do get professional help if you can.
Also, it is totally okay to be mediocre in everything. I recently came across this beautiful quote: “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” As someone else mentioned, from the time we grow up, we are constantly asked about, “What do you want to be? What is your passion?’ and so on, as if to become the best in a chosen field is what the purpose of someone’s life should be. But, it need not be. The best part about life is seeing the humanity around, and you already got to see that in the Scrabble tournament organizer and your friend. There is more of that you will get to experience and that’s all life is about, in my opinion.
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sai16vicky
June 22, 2022
@Rahini David:
Here’s one. During the 4th of my year PhD, I was in therapy for about a semester. I was going through a bunch of difficult things at that point in time; the PhD not going anywhere was probably the least of them. My advisor referred me to a therapist. The initial sessions went absolutely nowhere — for all the extrovert I am (even an extravert, one may say ;)). Slowly, over time, I started opening up to him. After about ten seemingly futile sessions, he finally hit a nail and made me discover one of my deepest fears. It felt like whole life up until that point was driven by that fear.
I wouldn’t say I have gotten over that fear. In fact, I didn’t even try all that much. However, I have accepted the fact that it is going to stay with me. Sometimes the solution to life’s most challenging problems is probably just that: acceptance!
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vishal yogin
June 23, 2022
Severus, I’ll share what I did albeit late. Maybe you could do it earlier.
I did my bachelor’s in electronics. I struggled, and made it of course, but I remember nothing in retrospect. It was just a waste.
I learnt how to live and much more by getting into classical yoga. In my experience, new age and western psychology/spirituality/self-help are fledglings in comparison. Cut through the flab, go to the original.
Not the asana centric kind of modern day yoga of course.
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Anand Raghavan
June 25, 2022
The world is a mix of people with special talents and the people who may not possess such special talent but everyone is a part of the whole.
My thoughts on talent vs ordinary as a verse..
The trunk is tree too
The trunk stood there strong and tall ,
Flowers and leaves flaunted their gorgeous colors
as spring and summer gave way to fall
Bereft of fragrance, through rain and shine
it remained, never once did it whine
Branches that monkeys swing and play,
chirping birds and munching squirrels ,
Howling gales on a stormy day
the mighty trunk shoulders ’em all
and it is on them the axes fall
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Severus Snape
June 28, 2022
Deepika:
I was puzzled for a minute after I read the comment about GVM, JEE, and VIP, and then your short story(A story of a 90’s kid) struck my mind. I immediately went to that story and had a hearty laugh after a long time. Thanks a lot; I really liked your Anbe Sivam article too.
Satya, Anu Warrier, “Enna koduka sir pera”:
Thanks a lot for your comments about the writing style(or, as BR often says: the FORM), which I didn’t expect at all 🙂 I wrote the article the day after I was caught, and I still don’t know why I decided to write it. Initially, I wanted to end on a sad note, but by the time I reached the end, I somehow felt like ending on a positive/determined note. Writing everything out helped me feel good and optimistic, at least for a while. I rearranged a paragraph to make the article sound interesting(I still don’t think I did this part well) and was quite excited to send it to BR. And about 10 minutes after I pressed the send button, I regretted my choice 🙂 I was anxious if the article was too amateurish to be sent to an excellent writer’s blog and read by professional writers and editors. While the comments about the content made me feel comfortable sharing my feelings, which I usually don’t, the comments about the writing style made me feel euphoric for a couple of days. Thank you!!
Eswar:
I am learning Tamil(I can understand and read a little, as of now); thanks a lot for your optimism that I’ll figure out the rest and for the recommendation.
Cholan Raje:
I am very sorry to read about your experiences; I hope both of us come out of our respective problems.
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Severus Snape
June 29, 2022
Doba:
While Satya’s comment about the writing style eased my apprehension about the article, your comment made me really happy that I wrote it and sent it to BR.
I could relate to every word in the paragraph about how we dream of big podium finishes; it felt too true to me. And I’m happy you shared what you do in such situations. Not only is it practical and achievable, but the “dreadfully unremarkable” bit also reminded me of my childhood social teacher, who often used to say(to make fun of students making noise) that common sense is very uncommon 🙂 Amid everything going on(my grandma passed away a couple of weeks ago, and I was in mid of rituals), I felt cheered up reading the comment, and I can’t express my gratitude enough.
My very best wishes to you, and I hope you find lots of bingos.
🙂 Thank you, I am improving daily, and I can spot more bingos.
p.s EE is vast. You may find topics in your electives in later years of studies that take you to many exciting places and discoveries!
I do hope so; I wish I choose something I am passionate about as a career.
Madan, Anu Warrior, Sanjana, Satya, Srinivas, Jayashree, Rahini, Enna koduka sir pera:
Thank you for your advice and responses to the content of the article. As I said earlier, it felt surreal to see replies by the same people whose articles and comments I’ve read, reread, and admired. I am planning to seek professional help, and I hope everything goes well.
sai16vicky:
The last sentence reminded me of Dumbledore’s quote: “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery” 🙂
vishal yogin:
I talked to my mother a couple of days later and she suggested the same(meditation and pranayama). I realised that a part of the problem is due to irregular schedules, and I hope to rectify that too.
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Simran
September 18, 2022
Wonderfully written and so relatable. I felt like I was peeping through the window of your life that you opened when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and write this piece. I related to you on so many levels – from seeking academic validation, to slowly not being able to tick items off of your to do list, to doing anything in your power to receive public adulation (even if it meant going down the wrong path), I’ve not read something so heartwarming for a long time (as I’ve been busy with acads myself hehe) and I’m glad that my friend forwarded this to me; it made my day. Please do continue to write, you have a gift that not many possess.
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