Spoilers ahead…
The Kya Kool Hain Hum movies pride themselves on their wit – all fifty per cent of it. (You can imagine the writing team in T-shirts that say “The penis mightier than the sword.”) So in the manner of the Hindi film hero who puts up with whiplashes because Nirupa Roy is tied to a pillar, we grimace and take it on the chin when Rocky (Aftab Shivdasani) tells Kanhaiya (Tusshar Kapoor) that a pal has offered them employment. “Bangkok jaakar use handjob de.” Kanhaiya is shocked. Rocky explains, “Matlab uske job mein use hand de.” It’s line after flaccid line like this. So I was mildly intrigued when the possibility of a comedic situation came about, as Rocky watches porn on his laptop. It’s a site that hosts “hot” versions of desi films, like the story of a runner who’s having problems with his baton. The title: Jaag Rambo Jaag. (In case you still need a hint, in this universe, he’d be nicknamed the Flying Hand Sikh.) Soon, a scientist attempts to fix the athlete’s problem with Censor Board-approved lesbian action. Results are achieved. A long rope attached to the athlete’s member rises… and rises… and we see that the rope is tied to a tyre, which also rises. Okay, that is mildly amusing if you remember the original movie.
But that’s the extent of imagination. (All the blood, after all, has rushed somewhere far below.) The rest of the scene is business as usual. Rocky is turned on. He begins to play with himself. Kanhaiya walks in with his grandmother, who sees what Rocky is up to and promptly dies of shock. It’s the old thing’s birthday. She just turned… 69. What is more depressing? The fact that the first Kya Kool Hain Hum was made? Or that it has spawned a franchise? (This one is directed by Umesh Ghadge.) While you mull over that, here’s another highlight. Beavis and Butthead take up that job in Bangkok and discover that their friend makes… more “hot” versions of desi films. But lest we begin to judge him, he thunders, “Haan main maanta hoon ki main gandi filmein banata hoon. Lekin usi kamaaye hue paison se main Somalia ke nange bachchon ka tan bhi dhakta hoon.” I guess he’d call it self-relief work.
The storyline has terrific potential. Kanhaiya falls in love with Shalu (Mandana Karimi), whose ultra-traditional father isn’t going to accept a porn-actor son-in-law. Kanhaiya needs to show he’s a “family man.” Cue, a Birdcage-like set-up where his co-stars pretend to be kith and kin out of a Sooraj Barjatya movie. (Bistar Mein Hum Saath Saath Hain? Main Porn Ki Deewani Hoon?) But nothing works. The writer Milap Zaveri is to this genre what Chetan Bhagat is to literary fiction – he’s content writing sophomoric jokes around five-point-something inches. I had far more fun imagining Zaveri’s childhood. He must have been the kid who tented his shorts every time the teacher drew a sphere or a cone in geometry class. Oranges, bananas, beach balls – he sees smut everywhere. Like in this scene where Sunny Leone, peddling a cleaning liquid that gets rid of stains on golf balls, holds up a pair and says, “Saaf balls se khelne ka mazaa hi kuch aur hai.”
No, wait – that’s Mastizaade, the other porn-comedy with Tusshar Kapoor, Sushmita Mukherjee and Ritesh Deshmukh. This one’s actually directed by Milap Zaveri, and it’s a similar scenario of the bar being set so low, it’s barely off the ground. If Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 makes porn-y versions of desi hits, Mastizaade makes commercials out of them. (The Karan Arjun-based ad for condoms is pretty funny. As is the donkey whose private parts can tell time. I admit it. I laughed. Please don’t judge me.) We look forward to more along these lines – but that would require too much work. Far easier to think up wordplay along these lines: “House-full nahin, blouse-full hai.” Leone, in a double role, gamely subjects herself to a series of Dolly Parton jokes, though the most hilarious thing about the movie may be the notion that someone like her would lust after Tusshar Kapoor. Had this been a better movie, I might have discussed the flaming gay stereotype Suresh Menon plays, but everyone, really, is stripped of their dignity. I came away with increased admiration for Asrani. The old-timer has been in his share of terrible comedies, but never in the midst of so many dick and boob jokes. But he commits to the part with astonishing vigour. Whatever the acting world’s equivalent of Viagra is, he’s on it. What a trouper.
KEY:
- mastizaade = fun lovers
Copyright ©2016 Baradwaj Rangan. This article may not be reproduced in its entirety without permission. A link to this URL, instead, would be appreciated.
AlterEgO (@skc89)
February 4, 2016
Thankfully haven’t seen both the flicks… btw the funny donkey scene is copied from some Italian movie. Probably it was funny because it didn’t come off from Milap Zaveri’s imagination and is a rip off.
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Jyoti
February 4, 2016
The donkey whose privates can tell time is a European video that’s been doing the circuits in whatsapp circles for sometime now… So there is nothing new even there…
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apex
February 4, 2016
“The Kya Kool Hain Hum movies pride themselves on their wit – all fifty per cent of it. (You can imagine the writing team in T-shirts that say “The penis mightier than the sword.”
Haha
Haven’t seen any of these flicks but the sunny leone pic (with bananas) makes me want to…
🙂
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apex
February 4, 2016
Thanx Jyoti: “that’s been doing the circuits in whatsapp circles for sometime now”
Jus curious. Can that be shared here, or is too much for the sanctity of this blog….
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Deepak
February 4, 2016
I still have fond memories of the first Kya Kool Hai Hum (I’m not sure where to insert additional vowels in there to make it “Balaji films numerologist approved”) – mainly as it was one of our go-to movies to watch on a night when you’re piss-drunk. I’ve never tried to watch it while sober as I’m sure it wouldn’t be 50% as funny. 🙂 However, the one positive I could think of was this movie introduced me to Ritesh Deshmukh (insert extra vowel somewhere in there) and his killer comedic timing. I don’t think anyone else could’ve sold lines like “aur mujhe chronic diabetes hain” (when it was pointed out to him that the sachet which he was threatening to take and die if his girlfriend refused his proposal was actually a sachet of sugar). But he never seemed to have risen above that level and in fact seems to have regressed in his later movies. He seems to be having a good career in Marathi movies but his recent turn as a psycho in Ek Villain (no extra vowels here, I think) was pretty sad.
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MANK
February 4, 2016
Brangan, you rock man. Balaji films is most versatile production house in the world. from sas bahu serials to this. i dont know even hollywood film studios show such versatility
Haven’t seen any of these flicks but the sunny leone pic (with bananas) makes me want to
Apex, Ha,Ha 🙂 But even that’s no original. it is already there in a sunny leon condom video floating on the youtube. jee wiz, i can’t believe i remembered that. 😀
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venkatesh
February 4, 2016
I love smutty movies ….. when i am high.
They are just great fun.
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ramitbajaj01
February 4, 2016
” he’d be nicknamed the Flying Hand Sikh”
I actually had to take a moment away from the screen to recover form the amusement. so damn hilarious 😀
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Jyoti
February 4, 2016
Sorry Apex, I seem to have deleted it from the phone…
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olemisstarana
February 4, 2016
I have PTSD from watching the trailers.
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Ram Murali
February 4, 2016
If I were a Thamizh producer, I’d call my production manager and say, “Yela Muruha…kyaa cool hye hum-nu padam vandhurukaam ille…”
“Aamangaya…innooru padam kooda…masti saadhe…”
“Udaney phone-a podu bumbaay-ki…remake rights-a vaangiru…”
“Aagatum ya…”
“Title register panniru…modha padam, ‘enna jil-lu pasanga naange’…innooru padam, ‘sunny neeraadu”
“Hero yaarungayya?”
“Rendu padathukum namma seevee prakaasu theyn…paya romba aarvama nadipaan…”
“Director?”
“Andha Tirisa illana nayanthara director-a poattuka…vekkam illaama…adhu, koocham ilaama direct seyvaan…” 🙂
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udhaysankar
February 4, 2016
Ram Murali: seevee prakash. LOL
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MANK
February 5, 2016
Ram Murali, funny as hell man, didn’t know you had such a funny bone. sunny neeradu, lol on that. Ok just add a ‘BEEP’ song in there somewhere. that would make the picture complete. 😀
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Sutheesh Kumar. P. S.
February 5, 2016
“I came away with increased admiration for Asrani. The old-timer has been in his share of terrible comedies, but never in the midst of so many dick and boob jokes. But he commits to the part with astonishing vigour. Whatever the acting world’s equivalent of Viagra is, he’s on it. What a trouper.”
Kalakkitinge ponga..
They attempted erecting the mast, you hoisted the flag on that. LOL.
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Anu Warrier
February 5, 2016
splutter I had to read it while eating dinner! Now you owe me a keyboard!
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apex
February 5, 2016
@ jyoti: “Sorry Apex, I seem to have deleted it from the phone…”
That’s a good girl Jyoti3.. good girlz always delete such stuff (after watching) 🙂
@ anu: haha, btw what did u hav 4 dinner lol. Try phone 2 avoid keyboard accidents
That reminds me, 4 any whizz whyy isn’t there an option to post a comment from smartphone here ..sometimes. It’s ok from other ‘devices’ like ipad etc…?
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apex
February 5, 2016
Sorry, oops, that ‘jyoti3’ was a typo. U r not the third jyoti here I’ve typed to…
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Rahini David
February 5, 2016
Apex: There is an option to post comments from smartphones.
The difference seems to be that the comment box comes immediately after the post and before the existing comments.
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Supertramp
February 5, 2016
I thought Mastizaade has Vir Das in it, not Ritesh. Still hard to differentiate between the two films. But the important question is has any leading porn star read the review and expressed desire in watching this?
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brangan
February 5, 2016
Supertramp: ROFL. Thanks for cheering me up this Friday morning with three releases ahead of me.
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Honest Raj (formerly 'V'enkatesh)
February 5, 2016
Ram Murali: Why not SJ Suryah? Acting and directing – he can do both!
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KayKay
February 5, 2016
“It’s a site that hosts “hot” versions of desi films, like the story of a runner who’s having problems with his baton. The title: Jaag Rambo Jaag. (In case you still need a hint, in this universe, he’d be nicknamed the Flying Hand Sikh.)”
Mwahahahaha…. thank God for cinematic dreck like this for the far more entertaining reviews they spawn. And bless you for that line above, B!
Like any genre, Smut can be entertaining, if done right.
Leaving aside Hollywood and European movie makers who are old hands at this, HK cinema’s own soft porn offerings (like Sex & Zen) are often hilariously entertaining thanks to a Tongue Firmly In Cheek (among other places) approach. Of course, they also contain what is often prohibitively denied to Indian Films: Copious amounts of nudity
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KayKay
February 5, 2016
Ram Murali: “Sunny Neeradu”! Excellent! You sir, are a poet! A veritable Longfellow!
Is it just me, or do certain Tamil movie titles look like they could be perfectly appropriated for soft-core features?
Kodi Parakkathu
Ulle Veliye
Gopurangal Saivathillai
Veetle Visheshanga
Apoorva Sahothirigal
Kai Kodukkum Kai
Thavani Kanavugal
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brangan
February 5, 2016
KayKay: Erm, of all the poets, why did you pick, er, “Longfellow”? 😂
ROFL at Kai Kodukkum Kai.
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DewMoonDrop
February 5, 2016
Nowwww, I want to see both the movies ! 😀
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Shreyasi Ghosh (@gshreyasi)
February 5, 2016
YES! I KNEW it! Knew you’d review both the films together. Also that you’d find SOMETHING to write home about.
ROFL at Flying Hand Sikh and (Bistar Mein Hum Saath Saath Hain? Main Porn Ki Deewani Hoon?). One can practically make a game out of it!
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Ram Murali
February 5, 2016
Honest Raj – LOL! I did think of SJS but I think that he would have done this in the early 2000s, not now.
Udhaysankar, MANK & KayKay – thanks! glad you found it funny.
KayKay- when we were in college, my friends and I had a field day once coming up with seemingly harmless titles that could be construed differently. I can’t believe that we were laughing out so loud while sitting at bessie… My favorite from that list was Thambikku Endha Ooru. my friend quipped, “Annanuku endha ooroo adhey ooru than!”
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Amit Joki
February 5, 2016
KayKay I second you. You know the following titles assume a different meaning altogether if you have a dirty mind.
Yennai Arinthaal
Iruthi Suttru
Alzhagu Kutty Chellam
Kaththi
Ellam Un Kairaasi
Kumari Pennin Ullathile
Murattu Kalai
Vetri Kodi Kaatu
and a lots more…but don’t want to sound absurd here.
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venkatesh
February 5, 2016
KayKay: Have i told you that you are a genius…. you had me at Kodi Parakkathu
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Anu Warrier
February 6, 2016
@apex – Heh. I hate typing on phones with a vengeance. I hate reading articles on my phone even more.
As for dinner, yesterday was soup (which was what caused my downfall, or to be more accurate, that of my keyboard – no thanks to BR) and roast veggies. Should listen to my own admonition to my son – don’t eat and read at the same time.
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apex
February 6, 2016
“Apex: There is an option to post comments from smartphones.”
Thanx rahini: u r the whiz’kid’ here ..
“ROFL at Flying Hand Sikh and (Bistar Mein Hum Saath Saath Hain? Main Porn Ki Deewani Hoon?). One can practically make a game out of it!”
Haha shreyasi: u seem ‘inspired’ by Punee (jus joking) but v difficult to match her in humour..
🙂
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KayKay
February 10, 2016
“Erm, of all the poets, why did you pick, er, “Longfellow”?”
B, seriously, after all this time, you have to ask???? 🙂
“Have i told you that you are a genius…. you had me at Kodi Parakkathu”
Not at all dear venkatesh. Some people are backward. Some are forward looking. My gaze tends to travel southwards most of the time 🙂
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udhaysankar
February 10, 2016
Ram Murali: same here.
1) evano oruvan
2) sura
3) Thani oruvan
4) Irumbu Kottai Murattu Singam
5) Paarthaale Paravasam
6) Rettai Suzhi
7) Naduvula konjam pakkatha kaanom
8) Irudhi Suttru
9) Ivan vera maadhiri
10) Azagiya Tamil Magan
All the above titles can be naughty if visualized in the right manner
Ilayathalavali Vijay has always uttered lines with subtle eroticism that have been discovered later. Gems like
1) Nee Adicha peesu, naan adicha massu
2) Enakku pottu kuduka theriyaadhu, poda dhaan theriyum
3) Evan Adicha pori kalangi boomi adhirudho avan dhaan tamil
4) Indha edam, andha edam, indha area, andha area, engayume enakku payam kidayaadhu daa. Enaa all area’layum Annan Gillian daa.
5) Oru dhadava mudivu pannitaa en pecha naane kekka maaten.
Even the music directors sometimes help add to the absurdity with out of the world bgm’s like “Everybody everybody rock your body, paathu kodaa villu oru Kedi”. Wtf!
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