By சராசரி பெண் (Ordinary woman)
These words just poured out after watching the recent Tamil movie – Lover
Many people question if cinema can influence life
Well, it did mine
Tamil cinema has been the bane of my romantic life..
Non-existent romantic life because I was terrified of getting into one..
The movies I grew up watching from the 80s, 90s, 2000s all showed “love” as this possessive, toxic, male chauvinistic expression of feelings..
Where merely conveying the connection by stealing glances at each other was called “love”
Where once you showed interest back, it was taken as commitment leading to marriage
And the female was typically shamed if she didn’t continue any further than that..
She was slut-shamed if she then became interested in someone else
So I was terrified
Terrified of even giving glances lest I be forced to be bound to that person in commitment without knowing them fully well
I questioned all along how “love” can develop with a mere glance – it just didn’t make sense to me
Tamil cinema never showed that this was just an initial attraction
That attraction is not love and need not lead to commitment
So, I suppressed my attractions in fear of being stuck with the wrong person
Tamil cinema didn’t teach me that I have the agency to choose the person to love and to leave the person when things don’t work out..
It taught me that it was the duty of a lover to stay with their lover no matter the circumstance because that is pure “kadhal”
This made me question my own level of “commitment and sacrifice” possible to stay with the lover no matter what they do
So I never ventured into one for a long time
Why did cinema influence me so much?
I don’t have an answer
Maybe because I saw many similarities between cinema and the society around me
Maybe “love marriage” was not common in the society I was in
And cinema was the main reference for how lovers are
Maybe I didn’t have the courage back then to not care what the society thought about me
Took me many years to finally experience love
And when I finally did, it was with an abusive person
What a glorious timing, because Arjun Reddy came out at that time
And said that in passionate true love, abuse is normal
I went into guilt and doubt whether it would be wrong to leave the person I love
Thankfully a sane friend of mine said I need not tolerate it
It doesn’t make me a bad person
Since then, I have explored and realized the true meaning of love
Love is beyond a feeling
It is an act of empowering each other to experience our fullest selves
Abuse cannot co-exist with love
And we do not “owe” love to anybody
With this newfound meaning of love, I was so glad to watch the Tamil movie Lover
I was so glad that times and tunes have changed
The movie calls out abuse as abuse and not love
I was rejoicing, a little too much that the current younger generation will not be misguided by cinema anymore
Until I reached the very end of the movie
And it was a slap on my face
Because the boyfriend rides away almost heroically after their final breakup
He is never shown to understand why his actions were abusive
Never sincerely apologizes to the girl that he was abusive
But the girl is left crying and apologizing for calling out his abuse
I was left fuming after the climax
Tamil cinema still has some way to go
Baradwaj Rangan 
Mahesh Chakravarthi
June 20, 2024
I have always been told life imitates art and how something like movies not just holds up a mirror but also ends up shining a (mis)guiding light for our lives. Hello saraasari penn, until I read your post, the above ideas were always a bit theoretical to me – maybe because I didn’t take my cues from movies (or I am unaware of them). After reading your account, I now see how powerfully movies fashion expectations, beliefs, and behaviours. Thanks for sharing.
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mvky
June 20, 2024
So true. Well written about the problem with deceptivly progressive films.
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vishal yogin
June 20, 2024
So there is this question in the q&a section on okcupid which is a fair indicator of what once used to be the difference between the east and the west, but now its all about the east being inspired by the west.
“Would you need to sleep with someone before you considered marrying them ?”
We know the answer today, but the sad fact is that there is no such thing as safe sex no matter how safe you try to be. In the end, it is always a gamble. This is why sexually transmitted infections are very common in a large percentage of the population in the west, and probably soon across the globe.
How many liberated people are aware of this fact?
To get to know someone really well before choosing to love them is fine but (ahem) trying a shoe on for size to see if it fits should not be a part of it.
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Yajiv
June 21, 2024
“To get to know someone really well before choosing to love them is fine but (ahem) trying a shoe on for size to see if it fits should not be a part of it.”
That is your decision/opinion for how you choose to lead your life & I respect it. However, it does not need to apply for anyone else living their individual lives.
“How many liberated people are aware of this fact?”
Far more than you might think, especially in this internet age. Let us not infantilise adults.
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Yajiv
June 21, 2024
Also the fact that this is the point you latched onto instead of what the essay is calling out (regarding relationship/partner abuse & how that is often conflated as love in our media) speaks volumes about the attitudes of the modern Indian man & why such abuse even happens in the first place.
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Rahini David
June 21, 2024
Yeah, this was my takeaway about what 80s, 90s movies said about love.
Laughing at a man’s joke is equivalent to saying “I am crazy about you, I am yours, I want to stop my education to marry you, my parents and siblings don’t matter anymore, your family is mine”
Women who laugh as witty jokes lead innocent men astray. They should be ashamed of themselves. Men on the other hand are victims. They have the right to be really angry. Appo antha sirippukku enna artham?
It meant that the joke was funny, you clueless clown. Nothing more. Get the rest of your act together.
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madhusudhan194
June 21, 2024
Why impose the responsibility of our parents, friends, teachers and families on poor mainstream films? These people are supposed to teach us things like gender sensitivity, public behaviour, empathy, kindness etc. When they fail in their responsibilities we decide to find a soft target – mainstream cinema.
If you want to learn about love, Tamil cinema is not the place to look. Read literature, poetry, whatever. If you want entertainment, watch films. When you pay for a ticket, do a basic reflection of what to expect. If you want lessons, go to a teacher. Having said that, I am not saying films can’t be socially conscious. But it’s not a classroom, my friend. I don’t intend to trivialise your issues but pointing fingers at films for our problems is downright silly.
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Rahini David
June 21, 2024
Just saying we thought stupidity was stupid, Madhu. Didn’t mean to offend.
Will read silapathigaram to learn love in future. Thank you.
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madhusudhan194
June 21, 2024
Was not offended at allm Rahini. My comment was for the article. By the time I finished my comment, I think yours was already posted.
My only point is that we always hold the wrong person accountable. It’s easier to blame a stupid film instead of confronting a parent or a friend or a partner. I never said that the 80s or 90s films were correct in showing what they showed. Just saying it’s not the right place to look for if you want to learn about relationships.
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Rahini David
June 21, 2024
Madhu, I am aware that your comment was about the article and not my comment. But I pretty much agree with what the OP is saying. My first comment was, of course, only a shorter form of the same thing and deliberately exaggerated for effect.
That said, I wanted to defend the overall article and provide my opinion on the “blaming movies is a soft target” take and especially call out the “take thyself to literature” take. 80s cinema is not suffering pain because of this article. 80s movie industry is not collapsing under சராசரி பெண்‘s wrath.
A woman who has faced enormous anxiety because of a certain variety of expectation society places on women is voicing her opinion on what she believes is the problem. I will try to voice my own take on old fashioned cinema and current trends at leisure. I can get rambly. But even if she was wrong in aspects, what of it?
Ok, I can take myself to some good old fashioned thirukural to teach myself what grammatically correct romance should look like. But would my ‘sincere very good boy’ stalker agree to read some good chunky feminist theory to try and understand why it isn’t nice to be a stalker?
Should I visit the mother of the man who touched me inappropriately and explain to her where she went wrong as a mother and then visit his sisters and teach them how to bring up the next generation?
No, so many of us suffered in silence. And when we whine, let us whine. You can let us be. We promise to not destroy 80s Tamilnadu economy because we wanted to whine in 2024 in a predominantly male blog about the 80s. We aren’t time travellers and we aren’t the bullies. All is well.
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damilan
June 22, 2024
The argument that “Tamil films are not the place to look” to learn about relationships and one should instead look at literature is disingenuous at best.
As social beings, we are attracted to what our peers are attracted to. If they’re into films, then that’s where you’ll likely find yourself. It takes immense fortitude to buck the trend.
Sure, you can call it a failure of parenting and that one should learn from adult role models, but also keep in mind it’s a privilege to have good adult role models. Not everyone has that luxury.
If you want to defend films and their messaging, save it for when one is calling for their ban, not for someone’s mild criticism.
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Prem Rogue
June 22, 2024
We are all shaped by multiple influences. Family, friends, teachers, media, films, etc. Films do not exist in a vacuum away from society. They both reflect and shape it. This includes films that aren’t polemics about a specific sociopolitical topic.
I don’t expect every film to adhere 100% to my own beliefs, even the films I enjoy. The least a filmmaker can do is to not advocate for something ignorant or dangerous, whether it’s overt like a character giving someone a lecture, or in more subtle ways.
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Rahul
June 22, 2024
Both cinema and literature require engagement through similar cognitive and interpretive tools. They involve narrative, character development, themes, and emotional responses. Engaging with both forms demands critical thinking, interpretation, and analysis.
All forms of art, including literature and cinema, reflect, critique, and influence the societies in which artists create and audiences consume them. Literary critics often analyze texts in relation to their historical, cultural, and social contexts.
However, some resist analyzing cinema within its societal context. Many perceive cinema primarily as a form of entertainment, leading to reluctance to view it through a serious, critical lens, especially in mainstream discourse. Additionally, the heavily commercialized film industry contributes to the perception of films as products rather than cultural texts deserving deep analysis.
Literary criticism boasts a longer and more established tradition compared to film criticism. The methods and frameworks for critically analyzing literature are more deeply embedded in academic and public consciousness.
Despite some resistance, film criticism has evolved significantly. Many critics and scholars analyze films in relation to their societal contexts, exploring themes such as gender, race, class, politics, and more.
Analyzing cinema within its societal context is crucial for a deeper understanding of its themes, narratives, and impact. Films offer profound insights into the cultural and social issues of their times, and understanding this context enhances our appreciation and critical engagement with them.
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Rahul
June 22, 2024
This is what I wrote in the comment on the review:
“My favorite scene was the last one, where Divya visits Arun’s cafe. Arun realizes he still loves her, and he knows she knows it too. Despite this, he respects her decision silently, without any fuss. His one-word goodbye encapsulates the entirety of their relationship: the memories of the past, the reality of the present, and the poignant acknowledgement of his future life without her, as he stoically accepts the reality of their breakup.”
After reading this article, I went back and watched the ending again, but I could not see what the writer saw. I still stick to what I saw in my first viewing. Of course, this is just my opinion.
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Ordinary woman
June 24, 2024
Thank you all for your comments.
Rahini, damilan – Thanks for your wonderful comments and saying what I wanted to say in a much more clear way.
Madhusudhan – “If you want to learn about love, Tamil cinema is not the place to look. Read literature, poetry, whatever. If you want entertainment, watch films. When you pay for a ticket, do a basic reflection of what to expect. If you want lessons, go to a teacher. Having said that, I am not saying films can’t be socially conscious. But it’s not a classroom, my friend. I don’t intend to trivialise your issues but pointing fingers at films for our problems is downright silly.”
-This came across as very patronizing, my friend. Firstly, it is haughty to think that books are better than films. Secondly, in the growing up phase of a child/teenager, ideas and opinions are shaped by multiple influences – assimilation happens even without the individual knowing about it. It takes years and life experiences to reflect on conditioning and unlearn some of the things. I wish I can go back in time and give a lecture to my younger self to not learn about love from Tamil cinema as per your advice, but alas if only it could be done. Thirdly, this article is about how Tamil cinema influenced my perception of love – it doesn’t mean that society or parents had no role in this.
Rahul – “My favorite scene was the last one, where Divya visits Arun’s cafe. Arun realizes he still loves her, and he knows she knows it too. Despite this, he respects her decision silently, without any fuss. His one-word goodbye encapsulates the entirety of their relationship: the memories of the past, the reality of the present, and the poignant acknowledgement of his future life without her, as he stoically accepts the reality of their breakup.”
– Very interesting observation. I interpreted this scene and the scenes leading up to the final parting differently. There is a scene where he begs her to give one last chance and she asks him if he would ask his mother to give another chance to his dad. From that moment on, he starts being curt with her and starts acting as if she is at fault for pointing that out. She even apologizes to him for that. And while saying goodbyes after the trip, she hugs him, but he doesn’t reciprocate and rides the bike away – again acting as if she was the one who did a mistake. And, she is left crying. In the final scene in his cafe, when he decides to give the cake to her, I interpreted it as if he has decided to forgive her and give her the cake. For all the abuse he did to her, there should have been one scene where he sincerely apologizes for what he did. To me, it depicts the fragility of male ego, how it is hurt by a ‘No’ and takes on the victim identity thereafter.
This review on The News Minute also captures this point: “We see that in the way Dhivya mourns what she’s decided to walk away from, particularly in the times her resolve wavers when she remembers the reasons she fell in love with Arun in the first place. However, it is precisely this insight that is twisted around at the end in a manner that makes Arun the hero after everything he’s done.Judging by the cheers it drew, the sequence played right into the Tamil cinema trope of women-who-leave-a-man-deserve-to-be-humiliated-at-the-climax-mass-scene. Cheers from audiences or not, Prabhuram Vyas’ conclusion of his story begs the question: Can abusers who refuse to take accountability for their own lives turn things around only by acting like it’s they who are the victims?” https://www.thenewsminute.com/flix/lover-a-rare-kollywood-film-that-calls-out-abuse-but-then-falls-prey-to-sexist-tropes
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Sifter
June 24, 2024
Nicely written OP. While I was never influenced by films wrt love, I understand your pov.
Before I read, heard good reviews about Lovers, I had already come to a decision to not watch it.
Why? The preview that plays in Disney Hotstar when you hover on the title is enough. It was too artificial in the name of natural acting, cliched dialogues, and delivery which we are supposed to accept as how any person speaks. It was also the end of the scene in the preview that suggested that no matter how abusive the hero is…drunkard or not, the heroine is shown as his doormat.
This is enough for me to gather that this is a good for nothing film, that has the same old hallmark like all the tortured, abusive heros in the.name of love in these films tom-toming the illusion that they are progressive films.
What I don’t understand is how this got so much positive reviews. Has the standard fallen so low that these types of movies are now celebrated as fantastic?
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Rahul
June 24, 2024
Ordinary Woman, I see where you are coming from; however, I see it differently.
It is clear that he is a toxic person; the film never pretends otherwise. It is also clear that he loves Divya, and in his mind, he thought that this love would conquer his shortcomings. When he leaves that day on his scooter, he does not apologize to Divya but does apologize to her friends, and he is quite sincere. I think he assumes Divya would understand, as she is more embarrassed by the way he acted with her friends than with herself.
In the ending, he is the one who notices Divya’s perfume, waves to her first, and approaches her. There is no indication that he is forgiving her for anything. The reason he remains a bit aloof is that he does not want to give himself any hope that things can get back on track with Divya. He also wants to let her know that he is doing alright, just to relieve her of any concerns she might have for him. I think it is a poignant ending.
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